Boarded Up
by Hamliet
Summary: Rey, Finn, Poe, and Ben Solo all arrive at Jedi Academy with secrets that could bond them together, or tear them apart. Boarding school AU. (Not a retelling). Reylo & Stormpilot.
1. Lost Causes

**What if, what if we run away**

 **What if, what if we left today**

 **What if we said goodbye to safe and sound**

 **What if, what if we're hard to find**

 **What if, what if we lost our minds**

 **What if we let them fall behind, and they're never found?**

 **"Youth," Troye Sivan**

* * *

"Luke, really, you know you have to do it. You owe it to Obi-Wan," presses Ben's mother.

Ben scowls as he scrolls blindly through Reddit and listens to his mother kvetch to his uncle about whatever it is she wants him to do now. Instead of spending any last moments with her son, she prefers to argue with her brother. _Typical_.

"Have you seen this girl's file?" Uncle Luke demands. "There is absolutely nothing to suggest she would succeed at Jedi Academy. She'd have to play catch-up with our curriculum."

"Her grades are excellent, Luke," Mom persists. "And it looks like she's had a lot of hardship. It would break Obi-Wan's heart, and you know it would. He would want her to attend the school he founded."

Ben's ears perk up. Supposedly he's named after Obi-Wan Kenobi, who went by Ben at one point. Why the man would trade a cool name for an ordinary one like Ben, he can't say. And Ben's been thinking of changing his name too. When he graduates in nine months.

"Snoke isn't going to like us allotting more scholarships when school starts in just a week," Uncle Luke warns. "We already added one senior with a troubled record. I had to battle for that kid. Snoke will be furious if we add a second. Plus she'll have to get a visa, and flights…"

God, Uncle Luke's not usually such a cheapskate. Just goes to show that Principal Snoke is right, Ben thinks. His uncle _is_ a hypocrite.

"I was a diplomat, Luke," Mom points out, pulling out her trump card. "I have connections. Getting the girl a visa should be no problem."

Bam. His mother always wins. Except when it comes to her reputation. Ben scowls as he thinks about his father, and how he loathes the man.

 _He's always held you back…_

"Fine." Uncle Luke sighs. "I'll contact them and arrange for the girl to come. She'll have to go into Jakku for a dorm, though. I know it's the worst one we have, but it's the only one where there's still space."

"Somehow I think Jakku might be a palace to her," Mom comments.

Tuning them out, Ben clicks open another screen on his laptop and studies the application form. For colleges. For freedom, a place he can go where no one will know who he is, who his parents are, where he can make a name for _himself_.

 _"I'll get you in," Principal Snoke assured him._

Mr. Snoke's never let Ben down, because Ben's never let him down. _Just one more year_. His chest tightens, throbbing as he clenches his fists. _It's fine. It's fine. It's fine._

"Hey, baby," Mom says, emerging from the kitchen where she's been arguing with her twin. "Time for me to go."

 _Go, then,_ Ben thinks as he lifts his head and nods. It's not as if she'll have a spare moment to miss him.

Mom arches her brow. "Can I get a goodbye hug?"

 _At least she tries._ Ben shrugs. Dad didn't even bother to come home to say goodbye. A "good luck" text doesn't count.

She sighs and comes over to him, wrapping her arms around him. Stiff, he counts the seconds until she pulls away.

Ben wonders yet again if his father knows. If he suspects. And if he does, maybe he just hasn't confronted his son because he's written Ben off as a lost cause. Just like everyone else has, except for Mr. Snoke. Ben lowers his head.

"Enjoy your last year," Mom tells him, hands reaching up to cup his chin.

Guilt squirms in his stomach. "I won't."

She rolls her eyes. "Really, Ben? Don't pull this now."

 _Of course not now, when you're busy trying to leave._ "Don't pull what?"

Mom opens her mouth and then closes it. "Please remember to call, or I'll have to make Luke force you again."

 _Why can't_ you _call_ me? Not that he would answer. "I'll try."

The door thuds behind her. Uncle Luke doesn't emerge from his office.

* * *

"So, Finn," says the principal of his new school, slapping his file down on the mahogany desk. "Welcome to Jedi Academy."

Finn nods and smiles. _A fresh start._ He's determined not to blow it. "Thank you."

The older man, face entrapped in a spider web of wrinkles, leans across his desk. "I will warn you," he drawls. "That you are, of course, on probation."

His smile vanishes. If cold burns, it's burning in Finn's abdomen. "Yes, sir. I understand."

"The only reason we agreed to give you the scholarship is, of course, because of your exceptional record otherwise." Principal Snoke wrinkles his nose as if Finn disgusts him. "It's quite impressive that many of your teachers at your old school are willing to vouch for you in spite of what you did."

Finn has no idea how to respond to that. Thank him? Praise his overly kind teachers? Tell Mr. Snoke the truth, which he would never believe and which would probably just convince Snoke that Finn's even more of a liar than he is?

"And, of course, we have the fact that your guardian, Mr. Calrissian, is a good friend of our dean's. But rest assured that if we hear of any funny business, or if you don't regularly attend your counseling appointments with our counselor, we will not hesitate to expel you."

"I won't cause problems," Finn promises. He never has.

"Hm." Mr. Snoke leans back in his chair, eyes traveling up and down Finn. "We shall see." He waves his hand. "You should go meet with Dean Skywalker now. He'll show you to your dorm."

Finn stands. "Thank you, sir."

"So polite," Mr. Snoke comments, voice bitter as if he thinks Finn is mocking him. _What, does he want me to be rude instead?_

Finn exits the office, standing on the stone steps that lead out into the sun. Jedi Academy is spread out over a hilltop, stone buildings scattered among green grass and lots of stairways carved into the slopes, all safely encased within a stone wall. _Which way is the Dean's office?_

"Finn?" A head pokes out behind him, from what Finn assumes is the teacher's lounge. An older woman with hair like a cloud and bright blue eyes grins at him. "I'm Artoo, Dean Skywalker's assistant. I thought I'd come and make sure you knew how to find us."

"Oh, good," Finn remarks, falling in step behind her as Artoo leads him through the teacher's lounge and into a narrow hallway. "Because I didn't."

"It'll take a while until you get the hang of where everything is," Artoo assures him as she opens a door and ushers Finn into the spacious Dean's office.

"Ah, hello, Finn," a man with a beard and long, salt and pepper hair greets him, marching over to shake his hand.

"Hello, Mr. Skywalker."

"You can call me Luke." The man smiles and drops into a chair, motioning for Finn to take a seat on the padded bench. "Lando's an old friend of mine."

"He's mentioned you," Finn says, and then frowns. "All good things."

Luke laughs. "If they've all been good, he's been lying. I've been talking to admissions about your schedule…"

When Artoo escorts Finn to his dorm, Yavin 4, later, Finn realizes that Luke never once brought up the incident at his old school. Hope skips inside him.

"Oh, hello!" squawks his dorm parent, a man sporting an unnatural golden tan named Threepio. "How nice to meet you. Your room is 2187, which is this way." He leads Finn through the stone apartment, across a small a courtyard with hammocks dangling from poles. "Your parents aren't here?" quizzes Threepio.

"No, sir. They're dead." To him, at least. Or, well, he's dead to them. So Finn assumes.

"I am so sorry. I—"

Shouting emerges from a room as they pass it.

"I swear, if you don't pick up your clothing this year and actually unpack—"

"Hux, it's been one hour. Try not to make me want to kill you, okay?"

"You just think you're special because everyone loves your uncle and your mum!" snaps the first voice, British and chilling.

The other boy swears.

"Oh, goodness gracious me, what is going on in here?" squeaks Threepio, yanking the door open to reveal a thin redhead glaring up at a taller and much larger boy with black hair that Finn figures he's got to spend hours styling. "Hux? Ben?"

"Do we have to room together again?" the redhead demands.

The black-haired boy crosses his arms. He's dressed to match his hair—all in black, even gloves for reasons Finn doesn't understand. "This is what happens with no one else wants to room with you, Hux. Not that I can blame them."

"Try to get along?" pleads Threepio. "We'll discuss this in—just one moment, okay?"

"Fine." The emo goth boy drops back onto his bed and pulls out his laptop. Which is, of course, black.

"You're right next door," Threepio says to Finn. "It looks like your roommate is already there—I'll—"

"It's fine," Finn interrupts, straightening and adopting a persona of bravado. A familiar companion. "I can take care of myself."

"Thank you, Finn." Threepio hurries back into the room with the feuding boys. Finn pushes at the door.

Another boy, about Finn's height and Latino, unpacks his clothing. His father hovers over him. The boy stops when he sees Finn, his face breaking into a grin. "Hey! You must be my roommate! I'm Poe, Poe Dameron. What's your name?" Poe grabs Finn's hand and shakes it.

Finn nods, noticing that his luggage has already been delivered."I'm Finn."

"Good to meet you, Finn." Poe waves his arms at the mess of clothing dumped all over his mattress. Along with what appears to be wires. "This will all get cleaned up. Eventually."

Finn laughs, his anxiety easing. Someone who doesn't know him. Someone who's not judging. "No worries."

"Kes Dameron," the father introduces himself.

More yelling echoes from the room next door. Finn cringes.

"Oh, that's just Ben Solo and Brendol Hux," Poe says. "They fight all the time. I invested in earplugs last year, and let me tell you, it was a _great_ decision."

Finn snorts as he unzips his laptop.

"Dad's taking me to dinner in town tonight," Poe says. "One more night without cafeteria food. You wanna come? You can get Finn permission, can't you, Dad?"

Mr. Dameron shrugs as if he's okay with it.

"Um—" Finn swallows. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

"Welcome to Jedi Academy International School," chirps Artoo, Dean Skywalker's secretary, as she hands Rey a booklet no doubt filled with a long and boring list of the school's rules. "It is so exciting to have the founder's granddaughter attending!"

Rey manages a smile. "Thank you."

Up until two weeks ago, beyond basic biological common sense, she didn't know her grandfather existed, much less that he founded a prestigious international boarding school. It's still surreal. And this woman's looking at her like she's descended from some kind of god. Rey grins, trying to shake off the uncomfortable prickles running down her back.

"Your dorm is called Jakku," Artoo says. "Mr. Skywalker is sorry he can't be here to greet you himself—move-in day keeps him busy. How was your flight?"

"Not bad."

"You jet-lagged?" Artoo presses.

"A little bit," she admits.

"Well, I'll just take you to Jakku and leave you with your dorm mother. It says here you'll be rooming with Jessika Pava; she's a nice girl…"

"Jess," as she introduces herself, has a wide smile. "Are you from the UK?"

"Yeah. I got here only a few hours ago." Rey digs through her small backpack, red and threadbare, and pulls out the rag doll she made for herself years ago, setting it on the bed. Jess's eyebrows rise. "How long have you been going to school here?" Rey asks to distract her roommate as she turns to her one suitcase.

"Three years. All of high school." Jess frowns. "Need any help with your other bags?"

"Nah, this is all I've got." The back of Rey's neck prickles.

"Oh." Jess bites her lip.

 _It's a privileged school,_ Rey's caseworker had warned her. _You might find it hard to fit in._

She hadn't cared. Rey knew they wouldn't let her stay in her town, and once she left, it wouldn't matter if the place she lived was an hour away or an ocean away. None of it mattered, because her mother was never coming back.

And they said her grandfather founded it. At least she might be able to believe she was making one member of her family proud. As for not fitting in—well, Rey's spent her entire life floating around. That'd be nothing new.

She finishes hanging up the few items of clothing she owns and crawls onto the bed. "What time is dinner?" she inquires.

"Six. A bell will go off." Jess grins and checks her phone.

"Sounds great." Rey closes her eyes, but can't actually fall asleep even though every cell in her body feels weighted with exhaustion. Eventually, she drifts into a sort of purgatorial daze where she tries to run away from her memories, when she tries to stuff her own mouth to silence herself from screaming for her mother to _come back._

A buzzing sound slices through Rey's ears, and she jolts upright, peering around the room. Jess has already gone. Probably to meet with friends. _No matter._ Rey's used to being left behind.

Excitement bounds through Rey as she wonders what the cafeteria will serve for dinner. It's an international school. Anything could be possible—curry, lasagna, pizza, tacos, steak. She should be able to pick out her own portions, too, for the first time in her life.

She heads down the covered cobblestone pathway that wraps around a particularly steep part of the hill and bounds into the cafeteria. There's what looks like tomato soup, and grilled cheese sandwiches, and green salad with six types of dressing to choose from, and apples, and brownies for dessert. Rey takes some of everything, filling up her metal tray. "What's this?" she asks one of the attendants, peering at a silver bowl of what could be sour cream, but doesn't fit with the meal.

"Whipped cream," he informs her.

Rey piles it on her two brownies and turns towards the cafeteria. Students gather around white tables, chatting and giggling. Rey doesn't see Jess. She might be upstairs, but Rey's not sure she can carry her entire tray up the stairs without spilling it.

She spots a table with one boy, clad all in black and with earphones in, sitting by himself as he taps his fingers to some kind of beat. Rey heads over and sets her tray down on the other side of the table.

He looks at her like she's a fly trying to invade his food. Black hair frames an angular face and dark eyes.

"Sorry," Rey says, shrugging. "I just—there's nowhere else to sit."

He looks away from her and picks at his own tray, eating what appears to be his second sandwich. He leaves the crusts.

Rey bites into her hot cheese sandwich. It's buttery and toasted and warm and she loves it. She dips it in the tomato soup and chews, stabbing at her salad before she's even swallowed. It's not until she's gobbled everything down but her dessert that she realizes the boy is watching her. "Can I help you?"

His lips twitch. "Do you have a brownie to go with all that whipped cream?" he asks, headphones still in. Can he even hear her?

Is he teasing or being a jerk? _Try to think the best of people. They might surprise you,_ her caseworker had encouraged. Rey smirks. "Actually, I have two."

He snorts. "Don't tell me you actually _like_ the food here."

 _Jerk it is._ Rey frowns, a spoonful of whipped cream halfway to her mouth. "Why wouldn't you?" _Spoiled brat._

"Clearly she's a scholarship kid!" taunts the tallest girl Rey's ever seen in her life as she stalks past, pushing Rey's shoulder. The boy scowls but doesn't speak up.

"Well," Rey says, determined not to let them faze her. "I am." She spoons the whipped cream into her mouth, glaring at him.

The boy cocks his head and studies her. "Enjoy," he tells her, sarcasm lacing his tone as he rises and stalks away, after the other girl.

"I will!" she hollers after him.

He glances over his shoulder by the door, eyes wide. Rey scowls at him.

"Rey!" Jess calls as Rey puts her tray away. "I'm so sorry! I thought you would head upstairs—"

"It's fine," Rey says. "You don't have to babysit me. I can take care of myself."

"Of course." Jess grins. "You ready for classes to start tomorrow? What are you taking, anyways?"

Rey rattles off a list: "Literature, French, history, computer science, maths, music, theory of knowledge, phys ed."

"Cool." Jess tosses her long hair. "Have you thought about sports or anything?"

"I was thinking of choir," Rey admits. "I like to sing."

"Hey, that's cool. My friend Poe's really musical as well. But if you're into sports, tryouts for the girls' soccer team are next week. I'm co-captain with Phasma." Jess scowls at the mention of this Phasma. "We really need more players."

"I'll think about it," Rey tells her, but butterflies flutter in her stomach. She might make a _friend_.

* * *

 **Thank you so much for reading! I do want to warn that going forward, this story will as a whole deal heavily with themes of abuse/abuse recovery. Nothing will ever be graphically described, but if that could be triggering, please take note.**


	2. Subjective Histories

"Ready for history?" Poe asks as the first bell rings.

"Ready as I'm gonna be." Finn pulls the massive textbook out of his locker and follows Poe down a flight of stairs. Birds warble to one another. His last school was entirely indoors, with beige walls, gray lockers, and white tile floors that his shoes squeaked against. The outdoor campus of Jedi Academy almost makes all that happened the past year worth it to Finn.

"Mr. San Tekka's pretty cool," Poe says as they enter a classroom that has a gigantic white sheet of paper running around it. A timeline of major world events, Finn realizes.

"Happy morning to you both," greets an elderly man. Mr San Tekka.

"Happy morning," Finn echoes as Poe grabs a seat. More students pile in.

"Mind if I sit here?" a girl asks. Her brown hair pulled up, she clutches her books to her chest as she gestures to the seat next to Finn.

"No," Finn stammers. "No, please. Take a seat. Sit here. That's cool. That's great."

As the late bell rings, Finn and Poe's neighbor slips into the classroom, hair way to nice for how raggedy his clothes look. Ben scowls when he sees the only seat available is next to Poe, but he takes it.

"Welcome back," Mr. San Tekka begins. "And a general welcome for our two new faces, as well."

Finn slouches in his seat and sees the girl next to him flushing as well. _Oh_. They're both new.

"We'll be building towards your exams at the end of the year. Finn, Rey, it might be best if you briefly visited with me after class," Mr. San Tekka informs them and then goes on to delve into the curriculum and what they plan to study. "For the rest of class," he announces. "I want you to work in pairs. I'm going to hand you a puzzle that will test your historical knowledge. Only when you get one question right will you be able to move on to the next. The first pair to get it finish all of it— _correctly_ —earns both my respect and a bag of Lindt truffles to split."

Rey turns to Finn with an eager smile. Finn glances at Poe and shrugs, turning back to Rey.

Poe makes a face as he swivels, slowly, towards Ben.

"I'm Finn," he says, pointlessly.

"I'm Rey," she says in a British accent, smiling as Mr. San Tekka hands them a piece of paper. "I think we're at a disadvantage here."

"Probably," Finn acknowledges as he scans the paper. The first question seems fairly easy, though, and Rey smirks.

* * *

"So who talks first?" Poe asks as his gaze shifts from the paper to Ben, who seems to have developed a taste for eyeliner over the summer. It's not a good look. "I talk first? You talk first?"

"Do you know any of the answers or not?" Ben demands, glaring at the stupid sheet of paper.

"Some of them," Poe says. "Maybe. I had a busy summer, all right?"

"Then just give it to me." Ben grabs it and starts scribbling.

"Hey, no—why are you being such an asshole?"

"Because I don't want to do all the work."

Poe's jaw drops. "You might wanna rethink that, buddy. Saying I had a busy summer isn't the same as saying I don't remember jack shit. What, are you just jealous because you spent your summer staring at a computer screen?"

"I wouldn't be jealous of _your_ summer," Ben retorts.

So he did hear. Poe bites his lip. So many feelings well up inside him. He'd like to deck Ben in the face. Tears sting. And there's the need to shrug it off and laugh as if nothing matters. He opts for the last one, snickering.

Ben's eyes widen as if that was the last response he expected.

"Hey," Poe says as he snatches the paper back from Ben. "At least I have people to care about."

Ben's jaw clenches, and for a moment Poe wonders if he's about to sock him. Instead, Ben yanks on the paper, and it tears in half.

Finn and the new girl—Rey—glance at them, both with their mouths hanging open.

"Good job," Poe snips.

Mr. San Tekka drops a spare copy on their desk. "Poe, Ben, see me after class," he orders.

 _Great_. Poe glowers at Ben.

"We're done!" Rey exclaims, holding up their paper like a trophy.

Mr. San Tekka's eyes widen as the class goes silent.

"Well," Mr. San Tekka says, eyes scanning the page. "You've won the truffles."

Finn holds out his hand for Rey to high-five.

"The rest of you," Mr. San Tekka says. "Step it up."

Ben grunts. Poe winks at Finn and mouths _good job_.

When class ends, all four of them loiter. Mr. San Tekka gives Rey and Finn some advice for catching up with their particular curriculum—"But," he says. "You both seem like you're going to be just fine."

"I'll see you in math," Finn calls to Poe as he and Rey leave.

Mr. San Tekka turns to Ben. Poe pretends to study his history book, but he's listening.

"How could you taunt him about something like that?" Mr. San Tekka asks, calm and kind. "Your mother would be appalled."

"My mother isn't here," Ben retorts.

 _Good God._ If it were any other teacher, Ben for sure would have a detention by now.

"Speak about them however you wish. They're still your family."

Ben crosses his arms and huffs.

"Are you doing all right?" Mr. San Tekka asks. Poe lifts his eyes to see the teacher surveying Ben with his brow creased.

"I'm _fine_. Can I go?"

Mr. San Tekka sighs and nods. He beckons to Poe. "I'll give you a late pass," the teacher assures him. "I just wanted to ask how _you're_ doing."

Poe shrugs. "I'm…" He doesn't want to say _fine_. "Doing okay. You know. Some days are better than others. It's good to be back here, away from home."

"And your father?" Mr. San Tekka's eyes are old, swimming with history and compassion as he searches Poe's face.

Poe sighs. "I don't know. I mean, he says he's okay. He's got friends. He told me not to worry and to just focus on college applications and all."

"Sounds like Kes." Mr. San Tekka's lips part in a smile. Scuffles echo outside the door. "One moment!" he calls to the sophomores preparing to barge in. "I know I told you this over the summer, but I am so sorry for your loss, Poe. Your mother was a wonderful woman—like a daughter to me when I taught her. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always willing."

"Thank you," Poe manages, trying to unstick himself from the sorrow grabbing at him. "Actually, there is one thing you could do."

"What is that?"

"Write my recommendations?"

Mr. San Tekka laughs. "Send me a list of schools and the forms."

* * *

"I can't believe it! I've never won anything in my life!" Finn exults as he and Rey head back towards their lockers.

She giggles. "Neither have I!"

"We newbies can show all these prep kids how it's done," Finn jokes.

Rey snorts. "Where are you from?"

"Not far from here, actually. Like five hours south. A small town." He glances away. "You're from the UK, right?"

"Yup."

He grins. "Do you miss the tea and crumpets?"

She rolls her eyes. "I miss a lot of things." And she does.

"Like what?" he persists. "Got a boyfriend back home? Got a cute boyfriend?"

Rey casts him a dark look. Her windpipe feels like it's being spliced apart from the inside as she tries to breathe, just breathe. "None of your business."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine." Rey frowns as a nasally voice echoes through the halls.

"Hey, I want that." A boy with red hair and the same girl who was rude to her the night before tower over a pale, chubby kid with orange curls who's got to be a freshman.

The girl snatches what looks like a thumb drive from the small kid.

"Give it back!" The freshman lunges at the girl, who shoves him with a laugh.

"Oi!" Rey throws her books to the ground and charges at them, pushing the girl away from her, not giving a damn how much smaller she is. "Give it back to him!"

"Yeah," adds Finn from behind her. Rey's heart softens towards him.

The freshman puts his hands on his hips. "Yeah, Phasma," he says. "Give it back."

" _Make_ me," snips Phasma.

"Okay then," Rey says as she grabs the girl's hands, twisting the thumb drive out of her hand. Phasma yelps. The redheaded senior boy backs up and runs.

"Coward!" Phasma hollers after her companion.

" _Him?"_ spits Rey, spotting the emo kid—Ben—watching from the corner. Watching _her_. "Pick on someone your own size!"

"Listen here, little British girl—" Phasma starts.

"Leave her alone," Finn snarls, stepping up behind her.

"Buddy!" Poe shouts from across the quad, running over and slinging his arms around the freshman. Phasma stalks away.

"You all right?" Rey asks the kid, holding out the thumb drive.

He nods, taking it. "Thanks."

"This is my friend," Poe announces. "Beebee-Ate. We got paired up in a mentor thing last year."

"If they bother you again," Finn says. "Just let us know."

Beebee-Ate grins, looking at Poe like he's the sun.

"You should both join us for lunch," Poe suggests. "Beebee-Ate and Rey. Our table is the coolest table."

"What exactly makes a table cool?" Rey asks, raising her eyebrows.

"The people, of course." The bell rings, and Poe swears as he dashes towards his locker.

"Off to maths!" Rey charges away, barely making it into the classroom. She opted for higher level maths, and of _course_ Ben is there, rolling his eyes as she takes the seat next to him.

 _What the hell is his problem?_

She glowers back at him until the sour look on his face starts to ebb. She can't believe he and Poe fought over that pathetic game Mr. San Tekka assigned for them. It's like he's a five year old, but five times the size of a five year old.

Rey tunes him out and focuses on maths.

When the bell rings, Ben turns to her. "Fighting's taken pretty seriously around here."

"How about bullying?" Rey retorts, slamming her notebook shut. _Classist jerk._

He cocks his head and studies her. Rey doesn't like it. She doesn't like him looking at her. "Fair point," he concedes, surprising her.

"Does Phasma just hate everyone?" Rey asks as they leave the classroom, him sticking to her side even though she cannot figure out why. It's not like she's being friendly to him.

He scoffs. "Is it possible to _like_ anyone in high school?"

Rey pauses atop a stairway. "Of course it is."

"How do you like it?" he asks. "Jedi Academy. So far."

Rey climbs down the stairs, talking over her shoulder. "Well, see, I like the people so far. Most of them. My roommate, Jess, is nice. Finn and Poe seem pretty cool, and so does Beebee-Ate. The only problems are Phasma the bully and a boy who acts like he hates me but is still following me to my locker."

"I'm not following you," Ben snaps, turning on his heel and heading back towards his locker, which they've already passed. This time, Rey studies him even as she digs through her locker. He glances at her, face flushing.

He's not in her music or philosophy class, but Rey spots him again at lunchtime. Briefly, she considers inviting him to join her, but he plugs in his headphones as if to send the message that he just wants to be alone.

"What's his problem?" she asks Poe.

"Ben Solo? Don't you know who he is?" Beebee-Ate chatters.

"No?" _Should I?_

"His uncle is Luke Skywalker. The Dean," Beebee-Ate states.

"Wait, seriously?" Finn asks.

"Yup. And his mom's some kind of important diplomat—or she was. Over the summer her husband got caught in some kind of illegal activity—like smuggling—and she had to resign. It was all over the news." Beebee-Ate sighs dramatically. "Well, he didn't get caught. It just came out and he didn't deny it."

"Pretty much," Poe confirms when Rey and Finn look to him for confirmation.

"So is his dad in jail?" Rey questions. That, she might be able to relate to. She glances back at Ben, the possibility of a black mark for a parent connecting them too strong to dismiss.

She can''t imagine having all of her history public.

"Nah, it's not that kind of thing. Like, it happened years and years ago, and presumably he stopped," puts in a heavy-set boy who introduced himself as Snap Wexley. "But it just came out over the summer."

"So, Rey," Jess says, changing the subject. "You going to try out for soccer?"

"We call it football," Rey says as she swallows another bite of chicken. "But, sure."

"All right!" Jess pumps her fist.

"You should try out for the boy's team!" Poe exclaims to Finn. "It'll be fun. Snap and I are co-captains."

"I don't think I'd be that good," Finn admits, poking at his rice with a fork but not actually lifting any of it to his lips.

"We can practice together," Poe says.

"Can we have a co-ed practice?" Rey suggests. "Because it's been awhile since I've played." And by awhile, she means that she only played in phys ed classes, because her mother stopped paying for Rey to participate in any team sports years ago.

"Yeah!" Poe's almost beaming. "We could start today after school, or tomorrow—"

"Tomorrow doesn't work," Finn cuts in. "I—uh—have an appointment."

"Today then?" Poe suggests.

And so Rey finds herself on the athletic field after school, kicking around a battered old football with people she's pretty sure she can call friends. Beebee-Ate loiters on the sidelines, teasing them when they miss. Rey kicks a ball straight past Finn's head.

"Not fair!" Finn yells, but he's grinning.

Rey laughs until a voice calls out from the top of the stairs that lead to the field. "Rey Kenobi!"

 _Artoo_. The woman beckons to her. Rey jogs over.

"Dean Skywalker wants to see you in his office," Artoo informs her.

Rey blinks. "Am I in trouble?"

"Of course not." Artoo smiles. "He'd just like to speak to you."

"We'll meet again later this week," Poe reassures her. "It's fine."

Rey trudges along behind Artoo, sweat dropping from her brow. It's _hot_.

"Hello, Ben," Artoo chirps, and Rey's head snaps up to see Ben skulking past. His eyes widen when he sees her.

"I'm off to meet with your uncle," Rey informs him. Artoo pauses.

Ben picks at his fingers. "Poe told you he's my uncle?"

She nods, and she can almost hear him wondering, _what_ else _did he tell you?_

"Seems like he ruined your afternoon. Get used to it," Ben says as he pushes past.

"Ben Solo!" shouts Artoo, but he marches towards the teacher's lounge. "You get back here!"

"I have to see Mr. Snoke!" he yells as he disappears around a corner.

Artoo blows out her breath, jaw jutting out and looking surprisingly ferocious. Rey makes a mental note never to cross this lady. "Come along," she says at last, heading further down the hallway.


	3. Three Appointments

**Please note that this chapter has content that could be triggering.**

* * *

"Rey Kenobi." Mr. Skywalker stares at her with a look of sorrow, of knowing, and also—is that anger? Rey wipes her palms on her pants. It's like she's already disappointed this man, and she doesn't know how or why. It shouldn't bother her, but it does.

"Have a seat," he invites her, waving his hand at a circle of comfortable chairs and benches with clashing patterns and colors. Rey obeys. The moment she sits down, she winces, because it's as if jet lag's sunk its claws back into her and is pulling her towards a cliff of desperately needing sleep.

"I didn't get the chance to meet with you yesterday," Mr. Skywalker begins, taking a seat across from her and folding his hands in his lap. "It's my policy to meet with all new students, especially seniors."

Rey crosses her legs, trying to maintain calm. "Okay…"

"I knew your grandfather," Mr. Skywalker says, his lips twitching in almost a smile. Rey relaxes. "He was my teacher when I attended this school. My adviser, even."

"Write your college recommendation letters and everything?" Rey offers.

Mr. Skywalker nods. "He was a great man."

Rey stifles a yawn. "I'm glad to hear it." She is. She wants to believe that someone in her family is good, so she can believe _she's_ good, that she's worth something.

Although, she supposes being related isn't a sign of any goodness or lack thereof. Look at this man's miserable nephew.

"Have you thought about college yourself yet?" Mr. Skywalker inquires.

She shakes her head, tearing her mind away from the image of Ben following her to her locker. "I thought I couldn't afford it. Although, now… maybe I can, I don't know, get a scholarship or something."

"That's a good idea," Mr. Skywalker encourages her. "You should make an appointment with Maz Kanata. She does counseling, for both college and support services."

Rey swallows and wonders just how detailed the report her caseworker back in the UK sent them was. How much does Luke Skywalker know, and how much is he judging her? "I don't think anyone would write my rec letters," Rey admits. There's no way she'll ask anyone from her old school. "I wasn't exactly an angel."

"Yes, I read several reports about stealing and fighting, but your grades have always been stellar." Mr. Skywalker peers at her. "Avoid those particular activities and you might have staff here lining up to write for you. And, I should add, if you don't, your scholarship can easily be revoked."

The hope Mr. Skywalker just offered chills in Rey's heart. "I won't be. There's no need to, not here." She tries not to think of Phasma and Beebee-Ate. "I stole because I was hungry. And the only fights I ever got in were to help other people." _Please don't think badly of me._

Mr. Skywalker nods. "I saw that as well." He sighs. "You should know that at Jedi Academy, each member of staff here, from the teachers to the secretaries—we all aim to be here for students, Rey. If you ever need to talk to any of us, we're here."

She nods. _I'm fine._

"So," Mr. Skywalker asks, relaxing. "Tell me. What was your favorite subject today? How's your dorm room?"

* * *

"Heard from your father lately?" Snoke inquires when Ben's barely in the door.

He shakes his head as he shuts the door behind him. "He tries to call like once a day. I don't answer."

"Good for you," Snoke says. "Your grandfather would be appalled that your mother had married such a leech. He'd want so much better for his only daughter."

"I think she might be staying with him," Ben blurts out, heart pounding. He doesn't know whether he wants Snoke to condemn this or accept this. He doesn't know what he should feel himself.

"Hm." Snoke leans forward across his desk. "That would be a disaster for her career."

"I know," Ben mutters. "But I don't think she cares about that. She loves him." Anger sizzles inside him. Love is making his mother look stupid in front of everyone. Although she had to know before she married him, Ben figures. Some of it, at least.

When Snoke told Ben about who his father used to be, he tried to tell himself it didn't matter. That it was fine.

 _"Is it really, though?" Snoke scoffed, leering at Ben with a look of brewing disappointment, a look that Ben wanted to flee from._

 _"But he doesn't do that anymore," Ben insisted. "He left smuggling."_

 _"People don't change, Ben. You are what you are. Your father is what he is. He can try, but he'll always have that disreputable part of him." Snoke studied Ben, as if he could see that disrepute, that failure, inside him.  
_

Ben presses his thumbs against his temple, trying to block out what he did next, trying to paint over it. _It was right. It was justified._

 _You can't change and that's good. That's fine. It's right._

 _Why does she fight to stay with him, but sends me away?_ Sends him to deal with this man Ben owes everything to and yet wants to gag at the sight of?

 _How can you say that? You're being selfish. Snoke cares. Without him, you'd be nothing._

 _I'm sorry,_ Ben apologizes inside his head, hatred twisting around and directed only at himself.

"That's quite sad," Snoke muses. "She deserves better. So do you." Snoke switches on his computer.

 _See?_

"How are college applications going?"

"Fine. Essays are almost finished."

" _The_ essays, Ben."

" _The_ essays," he repeats, face flushing.

"Good," Snoke says. "You can't talk like that bum of a father you have. Talk like a professional, Ben. I _am_ your principal."

 _This is ridiculous_. But Snoke is also the only person at this godforsaken school who actually cares about him, about Ben's wants and needs. No one else has ever encouraged him to reach as high as Snoke has. All of his teachers consider him a star student, but nothing more than that, a light for them to point other students to in terms of academia and a darkness for other students to avoid when it comes to his attitude. Snoke'd told Ben he has leadership potential. Snoke's been mentoring him to show him how to lead even a school. Snoke listens to him. Snoke actually _answers_ his questions about his grandfather and his family history, the questions Mom and Dad and Uncle Luke never answer beyond, "it's complicated."

Ben glances up at the photographs of past principals and deans lining the room. There's Qui-Gon Jin with Obi-Wan Kenobi— _Rey's grandfather_ —Yoda and Mace Windu, Grandpa with Sheev Palpatine, and Snoke with Uncle Luke. He gazes at his grandfather's face, tortured and bald after a car accident that killed Ben's grandmother.

And then his eyes move to Obi-Wan's face. The man never wanted to become principal—much like Uncle Luke, Ben figures. _He'd rather interact with students than the stuffy board_ , Uncle Luke once said. _So would I_.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi's granddaughter is in a bunch of my classes," Ben says, something bubbling inside of him. "She seems really smart. And it's kinda cool, isn't it? Since our grandfathers worked together…"

Snoke snorts. "Without saying more than I can say… she's trouble, Ben. You'd do well to stay away from her. I've seen her file."

Ben's heart sinks. The girl who ate brownies with her whipped cream, who actually took on Phasma despite being tiny in comparison, is _trouble_? _Why?_

"Don't tell me you have a crush." Snoke's voice drips with contempt.

"Of course not!" Ben defends himself. He's only just met her. And his mind fills with the image of Rey peering at him around her locker after she called him on his bull. His face turns red and Snoke shakes his head. "I'll stay away from her," Ben insists. "I promise."

"We shall see," Snoke murmurs, getting to his feet. "Show me what you're studying."

Digging through his backpack, Ben drags out his various textbooks and notebooks, laying them out on the desk. Snoke pulls up a chair next to him and comments on his notes, fills him in where there are gaps. And when Ben feels Snoke's hand slide far too low, he tries to remind himself that it's okay. That Snoke's wise and he gives far more than he takes and he doesn't have to be so supportive of Ben, and Snoke has needs too. It's fine.

It's fine. _It's fine._

* * *

Finn jumps in the shower as soon as dinner is over and they're all ordered back to their dorms. He might actually make it onto the soccer team, if only from a lack of talent, or so Poe assures him. Well, Poe didn't add in the last part, but Finn can figure it out.

Poe's a decent teacher, too. And he's awfully sweet with Beebee-Ate.

 _Oh no. You can_ not _develop feelings for your roommate._

Rey is pretty. Rey is funny. He should develop feelings for her, if only because she isn't his roommate.

 _Shit_.

Finn turns off the shower and changes in the small space in-between the shower and the rest of the bathroom he and Poe share with Ben and Hux.

Ben's leaning against the wall, face pale and with his bangs sticking to his sweat-covered face. "You done in there?" he demands.

Finn nods. "Go for a run yourself, Solo?" He didn't see Ben at dinner, not that he was looking for him.

Ben looks at him like he's a fly Ben would love to slap with a newspaper. "Did you just call me Solo?"

"Ben. Whatever."

"Fuck off," Ben snaps, his fists tightening and unwinding.

"Whoa!" Finn flings his hands into the air. "I was just—"

"Leave me alone!" Ben grabs a container of conditioner.

"O _kay_." Finn watches as Ben drops the bottle and swears. "Hey man, are you okay?"

"Didn't you hear me when I told you to _leave me alone?"_ Ben seethes as he picks up the conditioner.

"You just seem upset—"

Ben storms into the shower stall, yanking the curtain shut. Slams rebound as if he's punching the walls.

"What in the actual fuck?" Finn gasps to Poe as he darts out of the bathroom.

"You've had the pleasure now of witnessing one of Ben Solo's temper tantrums," Poe says drolly. "The first of many we'll overhear."

"Why doesn't Threepio do something?"

Poe shrugs. "Favoritism? Threepio's buds with Mr. Skywalker."

"Poor Hux," Finn moans as he drops onto his bed. "What a nutcase."

"Really, Hux is just as bad. He's the one who went after Beebee-Ate, remember? At least Ben doesn't pick on other kids so much." Poe slaps his history textbook shut. "He just hangs out with Hux and Phasma sometimes."

"Do they even like him?" Finn wonders.

" _No one_ likes him," Poe states. "Why would they?"

Finn remembers back to his old school, where at the end, no one liked him and the loneliness rears, taunting him. He swallows as he opens his laptop. "I guess he was kind of a jerk in history class."

"Kind of is an understatement." Poe bites his lip. "Do you know what he said to me?"

"What?" Finn asks, curious. He notices Poe's hair, disheveled from running around the soccer field and sticking out at odd angles, and smiles to himself.

"He made fun of me for my mom dying."

Finn shuts his laptop, heart sticking to his chest. "What?"

"My mom was in a car accident over the summer. Some drunk guy… she was on her way home and she didn't make it." Poe blows out his breath. "Most people here know, but they won't talk about it. That's how I want it. I think that's how I want it. I mean, I don't know if I want sympathy from other kids I don't really know or trust. Aside from Jess and Snap and Beebee-Ate and you."

 _And me_?

"I'm so sorry," Finn says. "Man, I don't know what else to say."

"There's really nothing _to_ be said." Poe reaches for his phone. "But I just figured you ought to know. Sorry if I seem, like, a little testy at times."

"No, don't worry about it," Finn says.

"How are your parents?" Poe asks.

Finn shrugs. "They could be dead too for all I know. The state took me away from them when I was a baby, and they've never tried to reach out to me."

More screaming from the bathroom. Poe doesn't react. He stares at Finn, dark eyes swimming in sympathy, in a kindred soul. "Did you live with relatives?"

"No." Finn sighs. "I lived in a variety of foster homes, until this guy named Lando Calrissian—a friend of Mr. Skywalker's—took me last spring. I spent the summer with him, and he got me my scholarship here."

 _Why did you take me?_ he asked Lando, the real question dangling: _why_ would _you take me?_

 _I know you're innocent, kid._

"Wow," Poe says. "That sucks. I mean, the bouncing around part sucks. The part where you're _here_ is awesome."

Finn laughs. "Yeah." _I hope so._

"You know Lando Calrissian's a friend of Ben's parents' too?" Poe asks.

"Are they actually sane people? At least, his mother?"

"Yeah, Ms. Organa's great. And Mr. Solo, whatever the scandal of him smuggling drugs in the past—he's great too. Hilarious, kind. I've only met them a few times, though, but Ms. Organa's friends with my mom and—"

"Oh good God," Finn complains. "It's like everybody's interrelated here."

"Not really!" Poe pauses and frowns. "Yeah, okay. Maybe."

Finn tosses a pillow at him.

"You better be studying in there!" Threepio shouts from outside the door.

"Now he comes," Finn grouses.

"Come on," Poe whispers, opening his laptop. "We can study later. Do you want to play a game on my computer?"

After school the next day, Finn encourages Poe to help Rey on the soccer field while he goes to his appointment. Poe doesn't press, and Finn's relieved, because he doesn't want to have to explain the whole mess to Poe. He doesn't want to see that little glimmer in Poe's eyes, the same glimmer he saw in all his teachers' eyes the last month of school: _you wouldn't do this. We know you. But_ what if _you did?_

"Come in, come in!" booms the voice of an older woman so short she makes Artoo look like a giant. "I'm Maz Kanata. You must be Finn."

He nods as he drops his bag.

"Take a seat." She waves her hand. "So, these are mandated sessions, are they?"

Finn nods again.

"Are you ever going to speak? It will be very boring for me otherwise." She cackles, and Finn starts to smile. "Well?"

"I—don't know. What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you want to say!" Maz waves her spindly arms. "This is your time. We can talk about whatever you'd like."

"You're not going to make me talk about—what's on my file?"

"Not unless you want to." Maz adjusts her glasses, which really look more like goggles to Finn as she leans forward, peering at him.

"What are you doing?" Finn asks.

"I've lived long enough to see the same eyes in different people."

"Do you know my parents or something?" Because if she does, Finn's going to run.

"No, child." Maz sits back. "I see your eyes. I know your eyes. They are the eyes of a boy who may not be entirely good, but who definitely did not do whatever he said he did."

Finn's jaw drops. And in her eyes, he sees no glimmer of doubt.

"So," Maz says. "How are you liking Jedi Academy?"

"I've made some good friends…" Finn chatters about Poe, about Rey, hope soaring.


	4. Trying

**Warning for mild substance use in this chapter.**

* * *

"Tryout day," sings Jess when Rey wakes up two weeks later.

Rey groans.

"Don't worry," Jess encourages her. "You'll do great."

"I'd have to get out of bed to do great," Rey mumbles. Her throat's scratchy and she feels as if her brain's been replaced by weights. Rey swears. _Of all the days to come down with a cold._

Rey showers and changes into jeans and a pink top. At breakfast, she grabs an orange to go with her chocolate cereal, filling her glass with orange juice as well.

"You know vitamin C is an old wives' tale," a voice says from behind her.

Rey yelps and almost drops her tray. "You scared me!" she accuses.

"Sorry." Ben smirks.

"How can you tell I'm sick?" she asks.

He shrugs. "I didn't. I guessed." He pours some coffee for himself. "You look pale."

"Well, I have tryouts later," Rey retorts. "I can't be sick, and old wives' tale or not, I'm willing to try anything." Especially with Phasma as Jess's co-captain, Rey knows making the team is far from guaranteed. But she wants to be on it—her friends will make it, surely, and she wants to prove to Mr. Skywalker, to Principal Snoke, all of her teachers, that she's not just an object for them to dump pity on, that she can actually _accomplish_ something.

Ben sips his black coffee. "Too late for that. You already _are_ sick."

Rey give him the finger as she moves over to where Finn and Poe sit with Jess and Snap.

Poe raises his eyebrows.

Rey sighs. "Half the time he's nice to me, and the other half of the time he's an asshole. Guess which mood he woke up in today."

"Mr. Hyde," supplies Finn. "He looks shocked that you dared to insult His Royal Highness."

"Yup." Rey gulps down her orange juice. "Do you really think his attitude's all because he thinks he's better than us?" She glances over her shoulder at him as he slinks over to another table.

"Maybe," Poe puts in. "He and Hux were screaming at each other so loudly last night that Threepio got involved again."

"Ugh." Rey cringes.

Come maths class in the early afternoon, all Rey wants to do is lay her head down and sleep. But she can't.

"If you see ask to see Dr. Kalonia," Ben mutters. "She can give you Tylenol or ibuprofen. It might help."

Rey glares at him. "Is this your apology for being a jerk this morning?"

His jaw drops. "How was I a jerk?"

"Never mind." Rey shakes her head. It's not worth it.

"Surprise!" Mr. Statura announces as he strides into the room with a stack of white, devilish papers. "Pop quiz!"

"Fuck," Rey grumbles. Ben nods as if he's either impressed with Rey or telling Mr. Statura to bring it on.

She's too tired and way too stressed for this. And she can't fail. Rey blinks back tears as Mr. Statura places the paper on her desk.

Fifteen minutes later and Rey's smiling while Ben looks as if he's swallowed a mouthful of gnats.

"How'd it go?" she asks after class.

Ben tugs at the stupid gloves he's wearing, even though the air barely has a nip of chill in it. "Could have gone better."

"I'm sure you did fine," she says to him, not sure entirely why.

He blinks and then ducks his head as if to avoid looking at her. "You should go to Dr. Kalonia."

"Maybe." Rey shrugs. "I'm feeling better now." She grins.

His lips twitch as if he's trying not to smile. "Well, good luck later."

"Thanks." Rey pauses and cranes her neck to stare at him, ignoring the butterflies suddenly flapping in her stomach. _What the heck is this for?_ "Over-under of Phasma agreeing to let me on the team no matter how well I do?"

Ben snorts, his eyes strangely soft. "You shouldn't worry. Phasma's more concerned with how the team does than any personal vendettas." He turns away.

"Are you coming to watch?" she calls after him.

He hesitates, mouth open, then shakes his head. "I've got to meet with Mr. Snoke."

"Oh." Rey scowls. "Okay then." She decides to bail on music class—because she sure as hell can't sing right now— and visits Dr. Kalonia to get some ibuprofen. She hopes Ben's words about Phasma are true.

"Well, you don't have a fever," Dr. Kalonia declares as she removes the thermometer from Rey's mouth.

"Yippee," Rey says, swinging her legs. "So I can still try out?"

"Yes." Dr. Kalonia smiles. "You should get some rest afterwards, though."

"Uh-huh." Rey swallows the small red pills and takes the pass Dr. Kalonia gives her. When the last bell rings, she taps Ben on his shoulder as she heads to her locker. "Ibuprofen for the win," she says, giving him a thumbs up.

He gives her a thumbs-up back, cheeks spasming as if he can't decide whether to smile or laugh or what.

* * *

Ben lies on his bed, hair still damp from his shower, when he hears Hux come in. His roommate reeks of pot.

"Are you high?" Ben demands.

"I thought you said you were going to clean this place up!" Hux groans, gaping at the tangled pile of clothing all over the floor. "Look at this mess!"

" _Look at this mess,"_ Ben mimics. "You _are_ high." God, not even pot can calm Hux down.

"Clean it _up!"_ Hux snarls. "And I'm allowed to celebrate when I want to, Ben."

"Celebrate making the team?" Ben leans back. He's not moving. If Hux wants to pick up his dirty clothes he can feel free to do so. His roommate keeps his side of the room immaculate—books lined up alphabetically, a bookmark carefully placed in whatever book he's currently reading, laptop always closed unless in used, clothes arranged by color. Every now and then Ben has to move a pen or a book into a crooked line on Hux's desk just to reassure himself that his roommate isn't actually a robot.

"You know sports aren't my thing. No, Phasma wanted to celebrate."

Ben sits back up, tracing the outline of his laptop. "Did that new girl—Rey—make it?"

"Yeah, I heard her name called. It's not like I watch girls' sports. Our neighbor made the boys' squad." Hux snorts. "We'll see how long he lasts."

"You're such a sexist," Ben snaps. Tormenting his roommate right now at least pushes the feeling of Snoke's hands on him out of Ben's mind. Mostly. He squeezes his eyes shut.

"I am not! I am realistic about the biological differences between men and women, Ben."

Now flames are sparking and Ben wants to lash out. "Like when you insulted my mother's intelligence?"

Hux's beady eyes narrow, red from the weed. "All I said was that _my_ father said she can't be that smart if she married your father knowing what he was!"

Snoke's implied the same thing, but Ben doesn't respect Hux enough to listen to his garbage. He clenches his fist and wills himself not to punch Hux. He glances at his phone instead, where his mother's text to him from the day before sits unanswered. _Dad and I miss you!_

 _Shameful,_ Snoke had sneered when Ben told him that they were almost definitely staying together.

Mom will fight to stay with her husband, but she'll fight with her husband to send her son away. Ben remembers his parents' screaming fights when Mom wanted to send him away when he was ten. _It's the best school he could possibly attend!_

 _So what? The public school is just as good! I went to public school, and I turned out just fine!_

 _I want to go to Jedi Academy! Ben intervened, watching as his father's face crumpled._

 _Months later, when he spent too many nights sobbing in his room, afraid to sleep and when he wanted, so desperately, to go home, that memory kept him from making the call. Because his father would surely fight with his mother again, and both of them would roll their eyes at Ben's pathetic fears.  
_

"Whatever." Hux reaches for his copy of _Mein Kampf_ , a book Ben wasn't even aware they still sold.

"What the hell are you reading that for?" Ben taunts, even though it's not so much of a taunt so much as a spewing of the real disgust he feels towards Hux. What kind of monster is his roommate?

"Hitler was definitely evil, but you can't deny that he was a powerful leader," Hux retorts, crossing his legs as he sits primly in his desk chair.

 _Is he serious?_ "Yeah, like leading millions of people to their deaths."

"You know what your problem is, Ben?" Hux asks, slamming his book onto his desk. "You don't have friends. You don't have fun. All you do is work with Principal Snoke and sulk in this fucking room!"

"I _study_ , so I can get into a good school," Ben says, heart pounding. "High school sucks anyways."

"Try some of this instead," Hux says, holding up a plastic bag with already rolled joints. Clearly he doesn't expect Ben to bite.

"Fine." Ben snatches the bag and instantly regrets it. Snoke will kill him. _You're just like your father._

But Hux is shocked, and Ben can't back down now. He doesn't want to see the gleam of satisfaction in Hux's eyes he'll certainly see if he backs down. In fact...

"Wait—what— _not in our room_ , Ben! Go outside!"

"Threepio would catch me," Ben says, lighting one up with Hux's lighter, which he keeps perched perfectly on the edge of his dresser. "No go." He hacks as his lungs try to adjust to the smoke.

"You are such a prick!"

Ben blows the smoke in Hux's direction. With the lighting, it doesn't carry quite the dramatic effect he imagined.

"Would you please at least clean our fucking room?" Hux manages to eke out, face twisting and flaming with rage.

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

" _Tonight!"_

"Could you two keep it down?" hollers Finn from next door.

"Go to hell!" Ben yells.

"Me or him?" Hux asks.

"Both!" Ben crushes the cigarette in his hands to put it out. It stings and he's glad. He stumbles into the bathroom to throw it away.

"Are you for real doing drugs next door?" Poe Dameron asks him, leaning against the aqua-tiled wall with his arms crossed.

"No." He knows he probably smells of pot and doesn't care. It doesn't work for Hux, but it might work for him.

"You better not get caught," Poe warns him.

"It wouldn't matter anyways." Ben shrugs.

"It would for me and Finn!" Poe shouts as Ben heads back to his room.

It wouldn't matter. Regardless of what this school does for him, Snoke's recommendation letters will surely get him into the school of his choice, where he can study whatever it is he wants to study. Snoke tells him to choose biological engineering, but that doesn't interest Ben.

 _But Snoke's always been right before…_

And it's what his grandfather studied. His mother, on the other hand, thinks he should study political science. His father really doesn't give a shit. And Ben can't tell whether his father's blasé attitude is an encouragement to do whatever he wants or just a sign that Dad doesn't care about him.

As for Ben, he doesn't know what he wants to do. _Snoke knows best. You can't make it on your own._ His first few years of panic attacks and nightmares and insomnia showed him that. All of that ceased when Snoke involved himself in Ben's life. Except the insomnia.

His head spins and he buries it in a pillow. All he sees in his mind is the girl from the UK with dark hair and hazel eyes, the only girl in school—really, the only _person_ —who still smiles at him.

* * *

Finn yawns as he makes his way with Rey and Poe to their health class. He definitely should have had that second cup of tea.

"Hey," Ben says as they take their seats. "Rey."

"That rhymes," she says dreamily, lifting her head and smiling at him. Ben's face turns pink, and Poe turns to stare at Finn with a look of _oh, hell._

"Are you seeing this?" Poe mouths.

Finn nods.

"Congratulations. On making the team." Ben studies his shoes as he speaks.

"Thanks." She grins. "You should have come."

"Wish I could have." He scuffs his shoes against the tiles.

"Tell Snoke to take a rain check next time." Rey studies him.

Ben's eyes widen and his lips curve in a lopsided smile. This is for sure the first time Finn's seen anything other than a deep scowl, a smirk, or some other expression of nastiness on Ben's face.

"Sobered up?" Poe asks, clearing his throat as a very clear signal that he does not like this and he is interrupting, _dammit_.

Ben glares at him, clenching his fists.

"Maybe you should ask Mr. Ackbar about marijuana's effects on the body," Finn drawls. "I'm sure he'd be happy to go on a tangent for a half hour."

"You did what?" Rey's jaw drops.

"Shut up," Ben snaps at Finn and Poe as he stalks back to his desk.

Rey gapes after him. "He was smoking pot?"

"In the dorm room," Poe confirms.

"I've never done that," Rey admits, frowning and _still_ watching Ben Solo.

"Neither have I," Finn says. _Look away from him, Rey. He's trouble._

"I did once. Two years ago. It wasn't actually a fun experience," Poe confesses. "Especially because my mom caught me."

"Attention!" squawks Mr. Ackbar, before launching into a graphic description of all the possible STDs they will most definitely get if they have sex. "It's a trap!"

"I feel like we're in _Mean Girls,"_ Finn whispers to Poe.

"I love that movie!" Poe hisses back.

Rey sighs as if they're annoying her.

"Have you ever done it?" Finn quizzes Poe, curious.

He nods. "Once. Last year."

Finn's heart feels like it's being strangled. "Does she still go here?"

Rey looks at Finn like he's interrupting her listening to this riveting lesson, or else like she thinks he's an idiot.

"Uh—no," Poe stammers, before sighing. "No, _he_ doesn't go here."

"Oh." Finn's eyes widen, and he spots Rey giving him a pointed grin _. Does she know? How can she know_? He nods.

"How about you?" Poe asks, clicking his pen.

"No," Finn says softly. He had the chance once, at a party Nines dragged him too. A girl named Bazine threw her arms around Finn and tried to kiss him, but Finn pushed her away. Nines thought Finn was crazy, and Finn told himself it was just because he likes guys, although he's pretty sure he likes guys and girls, because Bazine was hot.

But Finn doesn't want to kiss anyone he doesn't care for.

Rey raises her hand and asks to go to the bathroom, coughing into her elbow. As she leaves, Finn notices her shoulders trembling.


	5. Awkward Moments

**In which Rey has an embarrassing moment, Ben tries to not be a jerk, and Finn gets a new jacket.**

* * *

"Good practice, everyone!" Jess shouts as she picks up the football a few days later. "Especially for our first one!"

"You did good, Rey," Phasma remarks to her.

"Thanks." Rey grins as she gathers her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. Phasma's actually being nice. Who knew it was possible?

"You aren't going to shower?" Jess questions, untying her ponytail and letting her onyx hair tumble down her shoulders.

"I'll shower back at Jakku," Rey says.

"Why? We've got showers here." Jess waves her hand at the locker building. "I mean, if you want to walk all the way across campus looking like that…"

Rey smirks. "I don't have anyone I want to impress."

"Not even Finn?" Jess winks.

"Definitely not." The chill of impending autumn starts to seep through Rey's shorts and t-shirt. "There's just more privacy in the dorm."

"What are you, a prude?" Phasma comments as she walks by. "Or a lesbian?"

Jess rolls her eyes.

"See you later," Rey says quickly, turning and walking away before Phasma can see the tears building in her eyes. She doesn't want to shower in the locker room because there isn't enough, because she doesn't want to change in front of anybody but herself.

 _Stop crying,_ she tells herself. _Grow up_. _Why am I so upset?_ She's overreacting, and that's enough of a reminder to make Rey's chest ache. She keeps her head down as she rushes through a group of students.

"Practice not go so well?" a voice interrupts her. Ben Solo leans against a stone wall, a laptop open on his lap.

"No," she says, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. "Practice was good."

"Okay then." He returns to his screen.

Another boy—Mitaka, if Rey remembers his name correctly—walks by and lets out a guffaw. Rey narrows her eyes, but Mitaka jogs away towards the cafeteria before she can say anything.

"What's with him?" she asks Ben.

He shrugs.

"Rey!" Beebee-Ate runs over to her.

"Hey, Beebee-Ate! What's up?" Rey grins at the kid who always makes her smile.

"I was watching you practice," Beebee-Ate reports. "Because next year I might try out for the boy's team. The girls' team is stronger than they are, this year."

Rey laughs.

Ben sighs. "Can you please leave me to write my college essays in peace?"

"Not a problem," Rey says, moving away from him. "See you later, Beebee-Ate."

"Um, Rey?" Beebee-Ate stutters.

"What?" She catches Mitaka, standing next to Hux at the top of the hill, staring at her and giggling. Rey crosses her arms over her chest, wishing she could disappear.

"You have something on your shorts," Beebee-Ate mutters, head hanging.

Everything suddenly clicks into place, and Rey wants to melt into the pavement. "Oh. Thanks, Beebee-Ate."

The kid smiles sheepishly at her. At least he's embarrassed _for_ her, not of her.

"Hey, Rey," Ben calls out, staggering to his feet and shrugging out of his jacket. "You can wrap it around your waist."

Rey considers shoving it back at him. She doesn't need his help. But she can still hear Mitaka sniggering. She snatches the black leather and ties it around her waist. "Thanks."

He nods and drops back to the grass.

"Bye," Beebee-Ate says.

Rey rushes back to her dorm, holding her head high but the red taking over her face surely giving her away. _Chill_ , she tells herself. _It's normal. It happens probably to everyone._

But memories claw their way out of the dark places in Rey's mind, and she stays in the shower for a long time.

"Hey," Jess greets her when she enters their dorm room. "You didn't go to dinner?"

"Did I miss it?"

"Uh, yeah." Jess frowns. "I would have brought you something back, but the kitchen staff caught me and wouldn't let me. Are you feeling sick? Do you need to go back to Dr. Kalonia's?"

"Nah." Rey shakes her head. "My cold's getting better. You don't happen to have any granola bars or anything, do you?"

Jess shakes her head. "Sorry."

Rey pulls out her phone and texts Finn. _Do you have food in your dorm room?_

 _Do we need to feed the hungry Rey?_ he responds. _If yes, you'd better get here quick. Poe keeps a supply on hand, but we've got twenty minutes until study time._

"See ya," Rey says, grabbing Ben's jacket as she scurries out of the room. "Finn's got something."

"Good!" Jess calls.

Rey darts down the cobblestone path and over the small stone bridge towards Yavin 4. _Was there once a Yavin 1, 2, and 3?_ she wonders as she enters the dorm, passing a sullen Hux and heading for Finn and Poe's room. She stops at the room next to theirs and knocks.

" _What?"_ Ben yanks the door open. "Oh! It's you."

"It's me." She thrusts his jacket at him. "Thanks."

He nods as he takes it, lips curving into a smirk. "Thanks. Are you okay?"

Rey rolls her eyes. "No, I'm actually dying. Have a good night."

"Don't die," he calls after her. She stops and cocks her head.

"Good night." He slams the door.

"Yo," Poe greets her. "Finn and I scavenged our rations. We've got chocolate and potato chips and fritos and salted peanuts. Take your pick."

Rey peers at the junk food laid out on Poe's unmade bed. "Nothing remotely healthy?"

"I beg to differ. This food is healthy for the soul," Poe counters.

Rey laughs and grabs the can of peanuts. "Want some?"

"Hell yes," Finn says. "Was practice okay for you?"

"Yeah," Rey says around a mouthful of peanuts.

"Our first one is tomorrow," Finn groans as he grabs a fistful from the can.

"You'll do great," Poe says to him.

"I hope so," Finn mutters, his hands twitching.

"I asked my dad to come visit for our first game," Poe says. "He might. And it'd be good for him to get away. I think. You could ask Lando."

"He's busy." Finn shrugs.

"How about you, Rey?" Poe asks. "Your family. You…" He frowns. "You never really mention them."

The peanuts stall in her mouth. Rey swallows. "I don't really have one."

"Hey, me neither," Finn says with a joyless grin. He drops to the floor and leans his head against the bed.

"I'm sorry," Poe says, face turning red. "I didn't mean to—I mean, I figured that because everyone knows who your grandfather is, that—"

"It's all right." Rey drops to the floor. She still has a few more minutes. "I only found out who Obi-Wan Kenobi was right before I came here. I don't think my mother ever met him. I doubt he knew about her, actually." She stuffs more peanuts in her mouth. "As for my father, he could be anyone. Mom never talked about him." And Rey only asked once, when she was five and the other kids at school asked about her dad and she realized for the first time that she had to have one. "Mum left too. Well, most of the time. She got a new boyfriend and he tolerated me, but she wasn't there most of the time. She'd call and say she'd be coming back any day now, but she really wouldn't come, and eventually her boyfriend or ex boyfriend, I don't know which—he wasn't a nice man. He was fat and ugly and looked like a blowfish." _Unkar Plutt_. The name nauseates her.

 _You're lucky I don't turn you out on the streets, girl!_

And Rey always wanted to tell him she wished he would, because she did wish he would, and she didn't.

Finn and Poe both look at her like only one person has before: her caseworker. It's like they care, like they'll actually scrounge around and try to find the best for Rey, because they don't think she's just a useless _no one_.

"He hurt me so I stole his car to get away, and he called the cops on me. Then there was this whole fiasco and I found out my mum died of an overdose nine months ago. My caseworker's the one who traced my last name and my mum's. She wrote to Luke to get me a scholarship." Rey wipes at her eyes. "Sorry for oversharing."

"No, you didn't. You're my friend," Finn says, putting his hand on her shoulder and squeezing. "Our friend."

"Yeah," Poe agrees. "Good God, I'm sorry, Rey."

"I don't really want sympathy," Rey mutters, hanging her head.

"That, I relate to." Poe says, a wrapper crinkling as he tears it off a caramel chocolate bar. "Here. We all need some."

She, more than them. Rey smirks as she takes two squares.

Finn opens his mouth and closes it, scowling. "Maz Kanata's good, if you want to talk. She doesn't do sympathy so much. Not the squicky kind."

"You're in counseling?" Rey quizzes, biting into the chocolate.

"Uh—yeah. I've got stuff with my family, you know, my lack of family." Finn glances away, at his plain white bedspread.

Something hits the wall.

"Please tell me Ben didn't just throw Hux into a wall," Finn requests.

"I think we'd hear him screaming beforehand," Poe points out.

 _Tap. Tap. Tap_. It's almost as if someone's trying to send a message or something. But they aren't using Morse code, because Rey knows Morse code and this isn't it. Are Ben or Hux trying to warn them?

The door swings open. "Oh dear," sighs Threepio. "Miss Kenobi, you're here after hours."

"Sorry," she stammers, scrambling to her feet. "I'll go now."

"Unfortunately, I have to write to the Dean when these incidents occur," Threepio says.

Finn turns pale and glances at Poe. Rey's jaw drops. "We weren't doing anything wrong!"

"I wouldn't worry," Threepio tells her. "Likely you'll just be confined to your dorm over the weekend."

She storms out and spots Hux smirking at her. _You rat_.

* * *

"Really, these are the kind of menial incidents I shouldn't have to deal with," Mr. Skywalker says to Artoo in front of Poe, Finn, and Rey. He studies them. "You weren't drinking or smoking or anything else, from what Threepio says."

"I just missed dinner and they offered to give me food," Rey puts in.

"How kind of them." Mr. Skywalker sighs. "You're all not to leave your dorms except for meals over the weekend, okay?"

"What about soccer practice?" Poe asks, his heart sinking. _Damn_ Hux! Although, he still can't wrap his mind around the fact that Ben tried to warn them. Maybe he needs to rethink which one is the evil suitemate.

Mr. Skywalker grimaces. "Sorry."

"Jess is going to kill me," Rey declares.

"Well, see, now that's the kind of serious problem I really don't have time to deal with. Murder. Can you imagine?" Mr. Skywalker laughs. "You'll be fine. And, Rey, and Finn, can I just say that I've been impressed with how well you've been doing here. Your teachers have all given glowing reports."

"Really?" Rey's face lights up. Finn grins.

"Uh, guys?" Poe says. "Don't you remember beating the entire history class on a review sheet your first day when you weren't even here last year?"

"Oh right, we did do that." Finn winks at Rey.

"Use your spare time for college applications," Mr. Skywalker encourages them. "School may not be even a month into the year, but I don't think any teachers will object to helping you out."

"I already wrote my essay for the common app," Rey says.

"Overachiever," mutters Poe. She narrows her eyes at him.

"Good for you," Mr. Skywalker says. "I will, however, warn both of you to be careful. A minor incident like last night's is not a big deal and your scholarships are certainly not under threat, but try not to let there be any more."

"There won't be," Finn promises. Poe nods. Rey wraps her arms around herself.

 _Mr. Snoke._ That rancid principal that Poe's parents hate. He remembers when he first stated school at Jedi Academy at age ten, when Mr. Snoke suggested that he mentor Poe and Poe's parents told him he couldn't. He was so angry back then, but now he's grateful. Everyone knows Snoke is the hard-ass who expels kids when he can just for kicks. There's a rumor he drinks from a cup of student tears, and Poe can't be certain it's not true. He should ask Ben sometime. If the guy actually stops being a dick for more than just five seconds.

"Have a good day," Mr. Skywalker dismisses them.

Rey shivers. "It's cold today."

"Fall's coming," Poe declares.

"Time to buy a jacket," Finn says. "Somehow."

"You don't own a jacket?" Poe gapes at his roommate.

"I have a winter coat?"

"Good God, man. Here. You can have my leather one." Poe shrugs out of his leather jacket, ignoring Rey's smirk.

"What? No! I can't take your—"

"Dude, I've got other ones." Poe holds it out.

"Try it on," Rey urges, and Finn rolls his eyes but complies.

"Keep it," Poe declares, heat prickling as he watches Finn shrug it on. "You have to. I won't accept it back. It suits you."


	6. First Kiss

Both soccer teams win their first games, but winning isn't Poe's happiest moment on the field. No, his happiest moment comes when they lose their second game, but Finn manages to score a goal and keep them from being completely shut out.

"Did you see that?" Finn yelps at Poe.

He laughs. "I saw it!" He can hear Beebee-Ate cheering from the sidelines and bites his lip, clapping Finn on the shoulder. "Good job, man."

"So," Beebee-Ate says after the game, as Poe chugs Gatorade.

"Yeah?" Poe asks.

" _So_." Beebee-Ate wiggles his eyebrows and jerks his head in Finn's direction.

"Nope." Poe walks away, leaving Beebee-Ate shaking his head.

Rey wraps an arm around Finn's neck. "Good game, guys."

Poe snorts, "We were horrible. Except for you, Finn."

Finn shrugs. "You win some and you lose some, right?"

"Exactly." Poe smiles again.

"Want to go into town?" Snap asks them, jogging up. Saturday is the one day of the week when they can get passes to eat lunch and buy things in town.

"Yeah," Finn agrees.

"Our snack supply _is_ getting low," Poe concurs, even though he can't go.

"I'm in," Rey says. "I'm sure Jess is, too." She scans the field for her roommate.

"I have to call my dad," Poe says, deflating. "We've been playing phone tag all week."

"Anything you want me to get you?" Finn asks, watching Poe with concern.

"With what money?" Poe snorts and pulls out a bill. "We need snacks. Surprise me." Poe walks towards the locker room and showers. When he's done, he heads back towards Yavin 4, his phone in his hand.

"Hey," says a voice from a bench near the dorm.

Poe yelps. "What?"

Ben's lips curve in amusement as he leans against a tree. "Heard you lost."

Poe shrugs. "Why are you talking to me?"

"My mom's coming for parents' weekend next week," Ben mutters. "And she wants to meet with you. I don't know why, so don't ask me, but it probably has to do with your mom."

"Probably," Poe says, his heart racing. Leia Organa wants to meet with _him_? "Yeah, tell her I'd be happy to get lunch with her or something. Anything."

Ben rolls his eyes. "Sure thing."

Poe turns back towards the dorm, feet crunching against leaves.

"She wants your number!" Ben yells after him.

"She does?" Poe turns around and hurries back, rattling it off. "This isn't just a ploy so you can get my number, is it?" he asks slyly.

Ben glares at him. " _No_."

"Do I have to get yours now?"

"No. I wouldn't call you. Ever."

"Oh, that's right," Poe muses. "It's Rey's number you want."

"Excuse me?" Ben jumps to his feet, eyes sparking and face flushed.

 _So much for playing it cool._ Poe grins as the autumn wind whips around them. "So you _do_ like her."

"I do not!"

Poe crosses his arms and plants his feet, nodding. "Uh-huh. You're not subtle, Solo."

"Don't call me—"

"You might wanna rethink your technique," Poe informs him. "With Rey. Don't act like you're a seven-year-old with a crush. You're supposed to be seventeen. Act like it."

"Fuck off!" Ben storms away.

"Do you want me to tell your mom that you said that?" Poe hollers after him.

"Do you want me to tell Finn who you like?" Ben shouts back.

"I don't like anyone!" Poe yells. _Liar_.

Ben laughs as he stalks away, off to menace someone or something else. Maybe to smoke more pot. Poe's pretty sure he smelled it again two nights ago, though that could have been Hux. _Who knows with that kid?_

"Hey, Dad," Poe greets his father. He's alone in the dorm courtyard, swinging on a hammock.

His father's voice is warm, and Poe melts into it. "Hey, sport. How was your game?"

"Eh…" Poe launches into the details of the game, of his classes, of his friends. "Are you coming next weekend?"

"Well—" Dad sighs. "No, Poe. I'm sorry."

"Why not?" Poe demands, sitting up and almost flipping over on the blasted hammock. _Shit_!

"You okay there?"

"I'm fine. But why aren't you coming?" Poe tries to keep the pleading out of his tone. He's almost an adult. He'll be eighteen in just a month or so. _Be mature._

But Mom and Dad always came to visit him. "I want to _see_ you," he insists.

"I want to see you too, Poe. I just—the drive up there—I'm not prepared to make it by myself. Not without Shara. I'm sorry."

"You just don't want to see me," Poe hears himself saying, because his worst fear has somehow unlocked its cage and escapes through his tongue, and he's angry and he wants to hurt because he's hurt. "Because I remind you too much of her, don't I?"

"Poe, you're being ridiculous," Dad snaps.

"No, I'm not," he says, sounding like he's five and knowing it and yet he can't stop. Desperation surges out from him in a torrent. "I _really want_ you to come." I _need_ you to come.

"Well, I'm not able to come, Poe. I'm sorry."

Poe hangs up and throws his phone down onto the grass. "Fuck!"

The door creaks, and Poe looks up to see Ben watching him. "What do you want?"

Ben shakes his head as if to say _nothing_ and slips into his room.

Poe retrieves his phone and heads to his own room. He definitely smells pot and doesn't care. He crawls into his bed, tears leaking out from his eyes. _I miss you, Mom._

 _I miss you,_ Dad.

Poe's always been close to his father. His father was the one Poe turned to when he slept with that guy he'd been on three dates with and instantly regretted it, because the only reason Poe went through with it was _why not_? only to find out that he felt no more adult afterwards than he had before. Poe never wanted to bring it up to his mother, but his father listened. His father hugged Poe. His father comforted him.

Laughter tears through his thoughts as the door opens. "Poe! I bought—hey, are you all right?"

"Yeah," Poe groans, sitting up. "Just tired."

"Um, no. You've clearly been crying." Finn drops a bag of chips onto the floor and takes a seat next to Poe. "What's going on?"

Poe shrugs, shame prickling down his back. _You're a spoiled brat_. Finn is the last person he should complain to, and yet he knows he's going to say it before he does. "My dad decided not to come for parents' weekend this year."

"I'm sorry," Finn says, voice low and sympathetic.

Poe shrugs. "I know it's not a big deal. I mean, I _have_ parents—or one anyways—I should be grateful—oh, God, I sound like a total jerk now."

"No, you don't," Finn states. "Look at me, Poe."

Poe turns his head and realizes that Finn is inches away from his own face. His breath catches.

"Your mom died. That's awful. It's okay to be sad about it, and to want your dad to visit and it's okay to be sad that he won't come for… whatever reason. I'd be sad, too."

"I just feel—like kind of spoiled. Like—"

"My sad life doesn't make yours less sad," Finn scoffs.

Poe starts to smile. "I guess not." He can feel the warmth of Finn's breath on his cheeks, and he knows this might not be a good time and that Finn's his roommate and _dammit_ this is a bad idea but—he presses his lips against Finn's, half expecting Finn to push him away, but he doesn't. Instead, Finn opens his mouth, kissing him _back_.

Poe's not sure how long they kiss for, but when they finally pull apart, both panting, Poe offers Finn a small smile.

"I'll talk to you later," Finn says, avoiding Poe's eyes as he gets up and rushes out of the room.

* * *

Ben watches as Finn darts by his open door and frowns. He pries himself off the bed, pausing by Hux's desk to fiddle with Nietzsche's _The Gay Science_ , arranging it at an odd angle.

Ben staggers out of the dorm and meanders down the stone path, not sure what he's looking for or where he's going. Mr. Snoke's on one of his many business trips, and as much as Ben misses his stable routine meetings, he also feels relief. And guilt for that relief, and disgust with himself.

"Ben!"

 _Shit_. Ben rolls his eyes as he turns around. "Hello, Mr. Skywalker."

Uncle Luke shakes his head. "How's it going?"

"Fine."

Uncle Luke steps closer and sniffs at him. Ben backs up, straight into a tree. _Dammit_.

"Are you high, Ben?"

"Of course not!" Ben defends himself, chest tightening so hard he feels as if his ribs could crack.

"Are you lying to me right now?" Uncle Luke demands, his eyes flashing fire. "Because I could drag you down to Dr. Kalonia's right now and have her run a test."

"No!" Ben scratches his palms against the trees. "I haven't been doing _anything_. You don't need to."

Uncle Luke puts his hands on his hips, and Ben resorts to desperate measures.

" _Please_."

Uncle Luke exhales. "I got your quarterly reports, Ben. Your grades… aren't quite as high as I expected."

Ben glances up at the branches sprawling overhead in a tangled web, sporting dying leaves. "Well, I don't earn my grades to please you." _You don't care. You don't care_. Except he does care.

"Colleges will look at your senior year too, Ben. Don't let senioritis derail you," Uncle Luke warns, clapping him on the shoulder and walking away.

Ben glowers after him, but he also wants to shriek for Uncle Luke to come back, to somehow keep Mr. Snoke from seeing his grades. They can't be _that_ low. He knows he's slacked off a little, but surely he's not flunking anything.

 _What if you don't get into any decent school? What if Mr. Snoke refuses to send your rec letters now? What if he sends them and it doesn't matter, because your essays suck just like you suck and you become the bum son of a diplomat, the son who takes after his weak and foolish father?_

"Trying to split your skull?" comments a sweet voice, a strong voice, a voice with a smile hidden behind it, somewhere.

Ben lowers his hands from his head. His scalp throbs. "Hey."

"You okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. I'm just—going for a walk." A walk in circles. A walk to nowhere.

Rey nods.

 _Why can't anybody see through my shit?_

"I'm heading to Yavin 4 to see Poe and Finn," she says, crossing her arms. "Want to walk with me?"

His heart skips. "Finn ran out of there just a little while ago," Ben tells her, peeling himself off the tree.

Rey's eyebrows knot together. "Ran?"

"He looked upset," Ben admits.

"Oh!" Rey pulls out her phone and texts.

"Are you still going to Yavin 4?" Ben inquires. He notices Uncle Luke passing by again. The man scowls when he sees Rey talking to him. Ben starts to hunch in on himself, but _no, dammit,_ he can't show that weakness. He straightens to his full height.

"Uh—maybe not," Rey says slowly, studying her phone. "Uh—Poe texted me. I'm going to go find Finn, actually." She flashes Ben a smile and scurries back the way she came. But she looks over her shoulder at him.

Uncle Luke strides away, and no one's around to see Ben pound his fist into his own thigh— _stop feeling, why do I still feel, why do I think anyone would like me, stop it, go numb_. No one except that round kid, Beebee-Ate.

"What are you looking at?" Ben snarls.

Beebee-Ate runs in the other direction.

* * *

 _Rey. I kissed Finn and he ran out of the room and idk what to do_

 _does he hate me or does he like me_

 _I am so confused right now_

 _rey_

 _answer your texts rey_

 _help rey_

 _I need advice_

 _REY!_

 _why do you even have a phone if you never answer it_

 _HELP ME REY YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE_

Ignoring Poe's series of frantic texts burning through her phone, Rey calls Finn. "Where are you?"

"Upstairs in the cafeteria. Studying. What's up?" He sounds so nonchalant. Too nonchalant.

"I'll join you." She hangs up before he can answer and texts Poe that she'll talk to him. Why Poe thinks she can help, she doesn't know. She's never dated anyone, and watching her mom and Unkar Plutt didn't exactly give her a keen insight into relationships.

Finn stares down at his phone when she climbs the stairs. "Yeah, you're studying hard," she says, sliding onto the stool across from him.

He snorts.

"So." Rey folds her hands and rests her chin on them. "Do you have something you want to talk to me about?"

Finn groans and leans forward. "Poe told you?"

"Yeah. I think it's awesome."

"Really?" Finn snaps his head up, looking at Rey with his eyes shining. "I mean—I just—it's like—how could he actually like me? He's gorgeous, Rey, he's kind, he's smart and he's like the best soccer player in the school and he's my roommate. I mean, it's stupid—"

"Oh, for God's sake, Finn," Rey says, reaching out and grabbing her friend's wrists. "You are kind. You're friendly. You've been so nice to me from our very first class. You're humble. You care about your friends—like, a _lot_. And you're pretty handsome yourself. Why _wouldn't_ he like you?"

"No one's ever liked me before," Finn mumbles. "I mean, there was a drunk girl once who acted like she did, but I doubt she did. I've never been kissed before, Rey."

"Neither have I," she says. _It's technically true,_ she reminds herself, swallowing.

"No cute boyfriend?" he teases her.

" _You_ could have one," Rey points out, turning her phone over and over in her hand. "I really don't understand why you, of all people, would think you didn't deserve one. Especially someone like Poe. Finn, he's smitten with you."

Finn laughs. "Oh, stop."

"He is!" Rey insists, grinning. "I could tell from the moment I saw you two together. I mean, _you_ like him, don't you?"

Finn nods.

"Here, I'll text him right now."

" _I'll_ text him," Finn interrupts.

"Even better," Rey affirms. Pots and pans clang in the background. "I can still third-wheel, can't I?"

Finn snickers. "Yeah."

Footsteps thump against the stairs, and Poe appears in the stairway at the center of the room. He hurries towards them, and Finn gets up and rushes towards him.

"I changed my mind about third-wheeling," Rey calls as they kiss.

"No PDA allowed!" shouts one of the kitchen workers. "Or I'll write you up for it!"

Poe winks. "Let's go outside."

Rey shakes her head, but she feels like skipping.

* * *

 **Thanks to everyone for reading! At least one of our couples seems to be figuring it out :)** **Ben and Rey will get there, rest assured... eventually.**


	7. Daddy Issues

"Daddy Issues. I have them. You have them, too."

-Ben Solo, probably.

* * *

"Chewie! Chewie, no!"

 _What is that giant hairy thing_? Finn thinks as a beast charges through the parking lot straight at them. "Rey!"

But Rey laughs as the creature— _a dog,_ oh _, it's just a dog_ —leaps up to put its paws on Rey's shoulders. "Hello!" she says, dropping to her knees to pat the fluffy animal.

Finn hovers behind her, ready to intervene if necessary but hoping it won't be. He's never seen a dog this size before in his life.

"Chewie!" A man with gray hair and wearing a vest and faded jeans jogs up to them. Somebody's dad, no doubt. "Sorry about that."

"I like him," Rey declares, stroking the dog's head.

"Yeah?" The man cocks his head. "I think Chewie kinda likes you, too."

Chewie barks at Finn. He takes a step back.

"Han," interrupts a lady who, despite her casual outfit, carries an aura of dignity about her. "Let's not—"

"You're Leia Organa!" Rey shrieks, jumping to her feet. Chewie whines. "The diplomat!"

"I used to be," Ms. Organa corrects Rey, but with a soft smile. "Are you both new to Jedi Academy? I don't recognize you."

"I'm Rey, and this is Finn." Rey jerks her thumb in his direction. Finn bites his lip.

"Rey Kenobi?" Han—Ben's dad, Finn realizes—asks.

She nods.

"I knew your grandfather," Han tells her. "We both did." He looks to Ms. Organa. "He was a good man."

Rey's face flushes. "Really?"

"And you must be Lando's kid," Han says, turning to Finn.

"He's not my father," Finn says quickly. Ms. Organa's lips tighten in sympathy.

"Well, no, I didn't mean that," Han states. "Lando's an old pal of mine. Back from my smuggling days."

Ms. Organa rolls her eyes. Finn struggles to keep his jaw from dropping. Han's so _open_ about it, so unashamed. Finn envies him. "That's cool."

"Yeah. He's a good guy. He said he might be coming up tomorrow, see your game."

"What?" Now Finn's jaw _does_ drop.

"Han, that was supposed to be a surprise!" Ms. Organa cuts in.

Han shrugs. "Oh well."

"No," Finn says. "No, I'll still _act_ surprised." He grins. Lando cares enough to come visit? He barely emails him. Maybe Lando just sucks at communication.

Rey jabs him in the side with her elbow as if to say, _see? People think you're awesome._

"Ben's your son, right?" Rey asks. "We have a lot of classes together. And he lives next to Finn."

"Huh. How is he as a neighbor?" Han asks Finn.

"Fine. He's fine. Good," Finn says, electing not to mention the screaming fight Hux and Ben got into the night before that got so loud Poe intervened. Apparently it started not because of Hux's OCD but because Ben keeps stealing Hux's weed. It ended with Ben throwing a wad of cash in Hux's face.

"Hm," Han says, watching Finn as if he can see straight into his mind. Finn stares at his scuffed sneakers.

Chewie leaps at Rey again, and she hugs the dog. "He's awesome."

"Most loyal dog you'll ever meet," Han confirms.

"We're on our way to Yavin 4 now," Rey says. "We were just out buying snacks."

"Aren't students only allowed out on Saturdays?" Ms. Organa asks, arching her eyebrows.

Finn cringes. Han laughs. "Please, Leia, I've heard your stories about sneaking out over the fence when you went here."

"Don't encourage them!" Ms. Organa swats at her husband. Rey and Finn fall into step behind the couple, Finn clutching the bags of junk food that they buy with the allowance their scholarship gives them,

"So how do you kids like it here?" Ms. Organa asks.

"It's great," Rey says, her hand still brushing Chewie's back.

Finn nods. "I like it."

"I'm glad to hear it," Ms. Organa says, smiling over her shoulder at both of them, but especially Rey.

Maybe Ms. Organa was close to Rey's grandfather when she was here, Finn thinks. His chest stings, because he will never know what it's like to meet someone who knows a family member, because he has no family.

" _That's not your fault, Finn,"_ Maz told him in their last counseling session.

And yet somehow, it latches onto him and won't let him go.

 _Lando's coming tomorrow,_ Finn reminds himself. _And you've got Rey and Snap and Jess for friends. And you have Poe._

* * *

"Ben!"

 _No_.

He glares up from his laptop to see his mother and father swarming his dorm room, along with Chewie, the one Ben's actually somewhat happy to see. Not that he'll show it.

Hux's father sneers when he sees Ben's dad. He grabs Hux's arm and steers him outside, mumbling something about what a "pigsty" their dorm room is. Ben smirks.

"It's good to see you," Mom gushes, wrapping an arm around him. Ben stiffens.

"Hey, kid," Dad says, reaching out to ruffle Ben's hair. Ben jerks away, patting Chewie. And then the dog yelps and barges out of the room towards Rey.

"Chewie really likes her," Dad explains.

Ben fights to keep the smile off his face. Rey's laughter floats through the air.

"Met one of your neighbors," Dad says. "Seems like a nice kid."

Ben shrugs. "He's all right."

"So how is everything?" Mom settles down in his desk chair. "Your classes? Your applications?"

Ben folds his hands behinds his back and wrings them. "Those have been sent out. Mr. Snoke finished the letters. Classes are fine."

Mom and Dad exchange a look. Dad crumples his lips as if to say _I told you he'd say that._

"Oh, for Christ's sake, just say it. I know I suck at French, okay?" _But I'm not a failure. I can do better. I just slacked off._ Not that he'll admit any of that. But should he? Which is better, letting them think he's naturally struggling or that he's not even trying?

 _"You_ will _do better," Mr. Snoke snarled earlier. "I don't want my name tarnished because I wrote a recommendation for a lazy, entitled punk."_

Ben needs Snoke's letters to get away from Snoke. None of the schools he applied to are in the same state. He needs to get in to them to get the hell away from here. He's using his mentor just as Snoke's using him, and on and on and on and on because it's a carousal that stopped being funny two years ago, but Ben can't fling himself off of without splatting on the ground.

His life is an endless cycle of using. He uses others. They use him. His parents use him to brag about him, except when they can't because he doesn't ever do anything praiseworthy besides get decent grades. And if he fails all of his classes, beyond just French? What then? What use will they have for him then?

And Ben—he needs Snoke's wisdom. He's learned a lot from him, and he needs Snoke's recommendations so he can get away from that man, so he can stop doing things that make him gag and keep him up at night when he's desperate to sleep.

"We're sure you'll do fine," Mom reassures him. "If need be, maybe you can ask a friend for help."

 _I don't have friends._ Aloud he says: "Yeah, sure."

Rey is in his French class…

 _No_. All he needs to do is get off Reddit and actually try. He doesn't need her help. And he doesn't want to pretend to need it, because judging from the bits and pieces he overheard between Uncle Luke and his mother, Rey's been used her whole life too, and he won't be a part of that.

"Bye Chewie!" Rey calls, and Chewie meanders back over to Ben. "What am I, second best?" he teases the dog.

"You should ask Luke again to mentor that girl," Dad says to Mom.

 _Of course_. Of course they'd rather talk about anyone but him. He's relieved _and_ wants to lash out at the walls, at his bed, at his own body at the same time.

"Like Snoke mentors me?" Ben asks. " _Mr_. Snoke?" But his uncle isn't like Mr. Snoke, Ben reminds himself. He wouldn't hurt Rey… touch Rey.

"Well, the kid could use that type of thing on her college apps," Dad points out.

"I'll bring it up with Luke," Mom acquiesces. "He's just… you know. Reluctant. He still thinks Obi-Wan's death was his fault."

Chewie whines and presses his head against Ben, as if the dog knows, as if he cares. Because clearly his parents don't. Ben wraps his arm around Chewie's neck, burying his face as his parents discuss everything but him.

* * *

"Hi, Ms. Organa," Poe stammers as he shakes the hand of the woman his parents raved about, the woman his mother had as her maid of honor in her wedding.

"Poe Dameron!" She looks him up and down and smiles. "How are you doing?"

Poe shrugs. "Not bad. Our soccer team has a winning record."

"Yes, I saw the game yesterday. You played well." It's Sunday now, and Poe's spent most of the weekend holed up in his room, except for the game and for going out with Finn and his foster father afterwards. Poe never met Lando Calrissian before, but he likes the man.

"Thanks," Poe says.

"Shall we?" Ms. Organa was taking him to lunch in town. Poe follows her towards the gate.

"Poe!" Rey runs up to him. "Hi, Ms. Organa. But, Poe, you'll never believe what just happened!"

"What?" he asks eagerly.

"Luke Skywalker just asked me to be his assistant! Like an internship. I'll get to help him out twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays." Rey's beaming.

"That's awesome!" Poe hugs her.

Ms. Organa smiles. "Keep my brother in line, Rey."

She giggles. "I'll try." Rey waves at them as she darts off, probably to find Finn.

They head to Greedo's, a small comfort food restaurant made of wood that looks like a log cabin.

"How is your dad?" Ms. Organa inquires.

Poe scans the menu. "He's… okay." He doesn't want to mention that his birthday is in three weeks, and if he even gets a phone call on that day, Poe will be impressed.

"Kes and Shara were high school sweethearts," Ms. Organa says. "He had such a huge crush on her. It took him two years to ask her out."

Poe grins. "Really?"

"Mm-hm." The waiter comes and Poe orders a burger and cheesy fries and a shake. Ms. Organa orders a sandwich and tea.

"What was my mother like, when she was in school?" Poe asks as the waiter returns almost instantly with a cup of tea.

Ms. Organa adds some honey to the brew. "Kind. Popular, but not in a snobby way. We were both… kind of rebels, you might say. Your father, too."

Poe's jaw drops. "He's always told me not to get in trouble."

"Well, not all of our troubles were worth getting into," Ms. Organa admits. "Although some of it was fun. Pretty fun."

"Can you tell me more about them?" Poe asks, suddenly craving information about all the things he should have asked his mother, would have asked her, if only they'd had more years. All the topics he can't ask his father about, not any more. And judging by how Ms. Organa looks at him, she knows about Kes Dameron's unmoving grief.

They talk for over an hour, and by the time Poe heads back to his dorm, his spirits have lifted.

"Your mother would have wanted Han and I to look after you and your father," she tells him. "If there's anything you need, please ask."

It's kind of her. But what Poe needs even Ms. Organa can't secure for him.

Ms. Organa spots her husband and son and heads towards them.

Ben sits outside on a bench, scowling as Mr. Solo sighs. "Ben, can't you just listen to me?"

"Say something worth listening to," Ben retorts.

Poe blinks. His father would kill him if Poe ever spoke to him that way.

And then Ben glares at Poe, as if he's jealous. Poe flings his hands up.

"Ben, cut it out," Ms. Organa snaps.

"I'm not—" Ben's face turns red and his eyes skitter to Poe's, almost as if he's pleading with him. _It's not about me_ , Poe realizes.

"We hardly ever get to see you—"

Poe starts to back away.

"And whose choice was that?" Ben demands, but there's something new, a rawness to his voice that Poe's never heard before. He glares at Poe again as if to send the message that he wants this conversation to be private, and Poe scuttles into the dorm.

"You better get your grades up," growls a very angry, hefty looking version of Hux. Brendol Hux Sr.

"Yes, Dad," mutters Hux, head lowered. He spots Poe slipping by, and his jaw tightens.

"See you later, kiddo," Lando's saying to Finn. He embraces Finn, who stares after him in amazement.

"He _came_ ," Finn gushes to Poe when they're alone in their room. "I can't believe he came, and he was so nice—I mean, I thought when he shipped me off here, he was getting rid of me in the nicest way possible, but still getting—you know—"

Poe takes Finn's hand. "I'm glad." He is. Finn deserves some kind of parent in his life.

He still has one, but barely. More and more, Poe's father is starting to feel like a ghost.

"Excuse me," comes Threepio's voice. "May I come in?"

"Of course!" Poe leaps up and opens the door. "What's going on?"

Threepio folds his arms and sighs. "I've heard a report that the two of you are dating. Is that true?"

"Um—" Poe glances at Finn. "Yeah. It's true. So?"

"So," Threepio says with a sigh. "I'm afraid the two of you cannot keep rooming together, if that's the case."

* * *

"You okay?" Rey asks as she approaches Ben, sitting and scowling on a bench. "Did your parents go?"

"Yeah." He picks at his threadbare backpack.

"They're nice."

"To _you_."

"They aren't nice to you?" Rey questions, because she saw no traces of coldness, of simmering anger, in Han or Leia. Not like the anger that always brewed under Unkar Plutt's skin.

He shrugs. "They nag me. Grades, college, everything."

 _Because they care?_ "I wish my mother bothered to nag me."

Ben studies her, black hair falling over his eyes. He brushes it away. "What happened to her?"

His tone invites her in, asking her whether she wants to trust him, to share. Rey hesitates. "I don't want to talk about it."

"That's fair," he acknowledges.

"Working on the French assignment?" she asks, pointing to the sky blue book in his lap.

"Trying to."

"Your pronunciation sucks," she informs him.

"I'm aware," he mutters, shoulders sagging, and Rey's heart twinges. She didn't mean to insult him.

"Do you... want help?" she ventures, not sure if he'll shove her invitation back in her face like he usually does when someone's kind to him. Not that many people seem to be, except his parents.

He bites his lip, eyes flickering upwards to take in her face. "I need a tutor," he admits.

 _The great and mighty Ben Solo, admitting he needs help?_ Rey bites down her sarcasm. "I can try."

He holds the book out to her, and she takes it.

"Don't tell anyone?" he requests as she takes a seat next to him. His shoulder brushes hers.

"I won't."


	8. Playing Games

**Just a warning that chapter does have content that could be triggering.**

* * *

 _Fucking Hux._

Now he's got Dopheld Mitaka, that idiot, living next door with Finn, while Poe Dameron's living across the dorm with Snap Wexley. And the only person who drives Ben crazier than Hux is Mitaka, because at least Hux is somewhat intelligent. Mitaka is a follower through and through, the kind of kid Ben can see following drinking poisoned Kool-Aid someday. Hopefully not Hux's Kool-Aid. Even _Phasma_ can't stand Mitaka.

And Mitaka is constantly in his room and in his space now, and Ben just wants to grab the boy by the throat. It's maddening.

"How can he be such a clean freak about his body but not about his room?" Mitaka complains after Ben showers, trying and failing to scrub Snoke away.

Ben's throat constricts, and he heads back into the bathroom, gripping the sink because he doesn't want to look at Mitaka or Hux, and he's trying not to smoke any weed right now. He can't let his grades sink any further.

But he's also lost all motivation to study.

"You okay?" ventures Finn.

Ben cringes and lets go of the sink. "Yeah. I'm fine."

Finn raises his eyebrows as if impressed with Ben's calm response. He doesn't see Ben digging his nails into his palms, scratching and scraping.

"How do you live with him?" Ben asks, jerking his head towards his door. Mitaka's nasally laughter slides into the bathroom.

Finn shakes his head. "It's not easy." He washes his hands. "If you want to spend some time in my room, at least until Mitaka leaves yours, you're welcome to."

Ben stares at Finn, everything inside him aching to say yes, to maybe find out what it's like to have friends. But he shakes his head. "Thanks, though," he mutters.

Finn shrugs. "Suit yourself. Just don't go smoke up your room, okay? I hate that smell."

"What are you, a pure little cinnamon roll?" Ben asks, rolling his eyes, scraping the barrel to be mean because he wants to be nice.

Finn stops in the doorway. "You don't know a thing about me, Ben."

"You're so right," he agrees, holding up his hand and counting down with his fingers. "Your name's Finn, you're seventeen, you're dating Poe, you're friends with Rey and the rest of that group, and you play soccer. There."

Finn laughs. Ben smiles.

"You should eat lunch or dinner with us sometime," Finn says. "Instead of eating by yourself or with Phasma." He makes a gagging sound.

 _With Rey?_ Her small tutoring sessions have been paying off. Ben hasn't flunked a French quiz in the past couple weeks. "Maybe. We'll see."

Finn shrugs. "Good night."

The next morning, buoyed by his brief conversation with Finn, as they wait for math to start, Ben asks Rey how her meetings with his uncle are going.

"Pretty well!" Rey gushes. "He's so nice, and he's really smart, and it's just—good. I can't believe he asked me. No one's ever chosen me for anything like that in my life."

Uncle Luke didn't choose her, not really. But Ben would never tell her that. "Has he talked to you about your grandfather at all?"

She shakes her head. "I want to ask, but I'm—I haven't."

She's wearing green, and it brings out the moss-colored flecks in her eyes. Ben swallows. "You know our grandfathers were close? My grandfather was in the first graduating class at this school. When Qui-Gon Jinn retired, your grandfather hired mine."

" _Really?"_ Rey gapes at him like he's an angel revealing a heavenly message.

"Yeah," he says. "They had a falling out, though. Eventually." Their teacher enters the classroom, and Ben refocuses his attention. Sort of. He can feel her watching him, and he likes how it feels.

* * *

"All this work's not keeping you too busy, I hope?" Mr. Skywalker asks as Rey helps Artoo sort through the historical files. She likes seeing her grandfather's name printed on the yellowing paper.

"Nope," Rey says.

"How's soccer going?"

Rey glances up and grins. "Really good. I mean, okay, we lost our past two games, but if we win this weekend, we get to travel with the boys' team for that tournament."

"In which case she'll be needing a week off," Artoo puts in.

"I don't know how I'd survive without you," Mr. Skywalker says dramatically, and then laughs. "Yes, of course. Good luck to you all."

"Thanks." Rey pauses. "Mr. Skywallker?"

"Yes?"

"I was taking to Ben today… your nephew. And he said that our grandfathers'—mine and Ben's—were friends."

"Well, they were," Mr. Skywalker confirms. "For a time." He spins on his heel and enters his office. Rey flinches.

"Luke loved your grandfather," Artoo tells her. "It's a painful subject for him."

"I just wanted to—"

"I know," Artoo says gently. "Rey, when Leia and Luke enrolled at this school, they didn't even know Anakin was their father."

"What?" Rey shakes her head. "How is that possible?"

"Their mother was in a car accident while she was pregnant. The doctors saved Luke and Leia, but not her, and and it devastated Anakin. He gave them both up for adoption, and even though they were adopted separately, they both wound up back here." Artoo's lips form a smile. "How's that for truth being stranger than fiction?"

"Pretty strange," Rey agrees, her mind whirling.

* * *

"What are you so antsy about?" Snoke demands as Ben hands over the memo he's been drafting for Snoke.

"I'm not," he says, even as his eyes skip over to the clock hanging behind Snoke's desk.

"What's on your mind?" Snoke rises from behind his desk, coming over and gripping Ben's chin, peering into his eyes like he's _reading_ his mind.

"I was just… hoping to go to the soccer game tonight," Ben mumbles.

"To see the girls play?" Snoke's eyebrows rise.

"Everyone's going. Uncle Luke let Rey skip today even though it's a Thursday," Ben says, his heart pounding.

"Your uncle and I are two entirely different people, thank whatever gods do or don't exist," Snoke snaps, letting go of Ben's face.

"You're better than he is at mentoring, I'm sure," Ben insists, even though he's not sure. Well, maybe he is. His uncle isn't exactly a person Ben likes to be around. Incompetent for sure.

"Hm." Snoke runs his hand down Ben's back, lower and lower. "You can go."

Ben blinks. "I can?"

"Yes." Snoke waves his hand. "But you have to do something for me first."

When Ben leaves fifteen minutes later, all he wants to do is throw up and shower, chug mouthwash, but he can hear the cheers of his classmates from all of the way across campus. _Rey's playing._

He heads over to the field anyways. He can get rid of Snoke later. Once he's there he stands back on by the bleachers, scanning the field for any sign of Rey.

"Time out," Poe says from behind him. Ben jumps. "You wanna sit with us?"

Ben nods and follows Poe into the overly crowded bleachers towards when Finn and Snap sit. Poe grabs Finn's hand.

"What's the score?" Ben asks.

"Zip, zip," Finn tells him. "Good to see you here."

Ben wraps his arms around himself and doubles over to avoid the jabbing foot of whoever is sitting behind him. He doesn't want anybody to touch him. Not right now.

Rey jogs back out onto the field, listening to something Jess Pava yells at her. Ben can't make out her face, but he can see that her hair's pulled up in three buns but mussed from running, and the way her shorts cling to her legs. _Stop_ , he orders himself.

"Wahoo! Go, Rey!" Finn shouts, cupping his hands over his mouth. Ben glances at him, wishing he could cheer for her like that. But it'd be strange, and he doesn't like the sound of his voice that much.

"Go Jess!" hollers Poe.

The referee blows the whistle and the players surge after the ball. Ben notices his uncle across the field and realizes he's giving Ben a thumbs-up, as if to say congratulations on socializing like a normal teenager.

 _You don't want to be an ordinary teenager,_ Mr. Snoke once scoffed. _That's a gateway to an ordinary life. An ordinary life isn't one worth living._

Ben's eyes follow Rey as she races up and down the field, passing to Jess, and then the other team, dressed in neon yellow that makes them look like traffic signs, steals it back and scores. Poe groans.

"Shit," Finn says.

Phasma looks pissed. Jess manages to score within moments of the game starting again, though, and this time even Ben cheers with the rest of the students. Their voices, at least, drown his out.

"Shit," Finn says again. "Jess is limping."

She is. Ben presses his lips together as the coach calls her over. Whatever Jess says, the coach agrees to keep her in the game.

"Phew," Poe says, wrapping his arm around Finn's shoulder and leaning his head against Finn's neck.

Phasma manages to steal the ball from one of the other players and charges down the field. The other team drives her out of bounds, but when she throws it back in, she throws it straight to Rey.

Whose foot meets the ball in mid-air, sending it flying into the opposing team's goal.

"Yeah!" Finn screams, pumping his fist as Phasma high-fives Rey.

"Hooray!" yelps Beebee-Ate.

"Rey!" Ben cheers her name, his heart thumping.

Ten minutes of amazing defense later, and the game's over and Jedi Academy students swarm the field, drawing Ben with them. Energy bounces off of hundreds of people.

"Don't you want to congratulate Rey?" Beebee-Ate asks Ben with a mischievous smile.

Ben narrows his eyes at the freshman. "Watch it, kid." But his tone's lighter than normal, happier, and Beebee-Ate snickers and pushes Ben towards the team.

"Finn! Poe!" Rey shouts, throwing her arms around them.

"You were amazing!" Poe gushes.

"Incredible!" Finn agrees.

"You're the school's new hero," Beebee-Ate proclaims.

"I'm impressed," Ben says. "I—you were awesome. Good job."

Poe and Finn exchange a nod as if to give Ben's comment a rating of _acceptable_.

"Thanks," Rey breathes, her hair soaked with sweat. She lunges at Ben and wraps an arm around him in a quick hug. Ben stiffens and hates himself for it, because he wants to relax, he wants to embrace her back. She smells like wet grass and vanilla, and Ben lifts his arm, wrapping around her too.

She lifts her face and smiles at him, a strand of hair stuck to her forehead. Ben wishes he could brush it off.

Rey lets go, and Ben swallows.

"We'll all be going to the tournament together now," Poe exclaims.

 _All of_ them. Ben deflates. He's not a part of their group of friends. _You don't belong here._

Finn glances at the jubilant people all around him, wearing an expression that hits uncomfortably close to how Ben feels.

"You okay?" Rey asks Finn.

"Yeah." He nods. "We'll be facing my old school, there."

"So you'll get to say hi to all your old friends," Rey says.

Finn opens his mouth and closes it, nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, exactly."

But Finn's gulping repeatedly, as if the idea of meeting people from his home school is the _last_ thing he wants, and Ben wonders what exactly Finn's keeping from Rey and Poe.

 _It's not your business._ He turns to go.

"Wait, Ben!" Rey calls, catching his arm. "Thanks. For encouraging me to try out with Phasma and all, and for suggesting ibuprofen."

He smirks. "Science outdoes old wives' tales yet again."

She scowls, but her eyes sparkle with a hidden grin. She says something in French.

"Say that again?' Ben requests.

She shakes her head. "We've got a lot more work to do."

"Hey, I haven't failed."

"True. You can do better, though." She pauses. "Thanks for coming. It—I appreciate it."

Ben only nods, but he heads back to his dorm with a smile spreading across his face. When Hux offers him some weed, he turns his roommate down.

Right now, he doesn't even feel Snoke.

* * *

 _Just tell them before they find out._

But Finn can't. He doesn't want to Poe or Rey or Snap or _anyone_ to think badly of him. And they would. How could they not? Only Maz and Lando know and still think he's worth something.

And he can't bear the thought of losing the respect he has here.

But it's going to happen sooner rather than later. They're going to find out. And then what? Will they believe him? Will Poe break up with him?

He should ask for an extra appointment with Maz, but he knows what she'll say, what she'll encourage him to do, and he _can't_.

"Shut your fucking alarm off!" Mitaka grouses at Finn when it goes off at five in the morning two weeks later. Finn grabs his backpack, weighted with biology, Spanish, math, and history textbooks and notebooks. He almost wishes he would throw his back, anything to get out of this.

 _You can't._

Finn's never been brave. That's how he got into this mess in the first place. Although, to be fair, he doubts anyone in the school's administration would have believed him if he's protested his innocence. The easiest thing to do was to simply admit to it.

He thought his friends would stay his friends, then. Nines and Slip and all of them. He thought they'd appreciate him covering for them.

Instead, they refused to talk to him but relished in gossiping _about_ him. When he was expelled, Finn was relieved.

 _You're a coward._

He knows, and he wants to run.


	9. Out of the Dark and Into the Light

Nines calls out to Finn as he's gulping water after practice. The Jedi Knights have finished their practice for the day, abysmal though it was. Hopefully just due to exhaustion from their six-hour bus ride, Finn thinks.

"Hey, look who it is!"

"You know him?" Poe asks.

Finn nods, stuffing his water bottle into his bag. "Kind of. Let's go."

"Is he like a bully or something?" Poe calls as he jogs after Finn, his curls adorably stuck to his forehead.

"Kind of," Finn says again as he strides away from the field. "He used to be my friend and then… shit happened."

"What kind of shit?" Poe presses.

"Doesn't matter."

"Okay." Poe sighs.

Of course, Nines comes back when all the teams are eating in the cafeteria and Jess is moaning about how this school's food is way worse than anything Jedi Academy ever serves.

"How's it going, hacker?" Nines asks, plunking his palm down on the table. Finn's water glass wobbles.

"Hacker?" snorts Snap. "As if."

"Hey, at least you're in a good school instead of juvie. How did you manage that anyways?" Nines asks, and Finn feels himself shrinking into his spine. He wants to vanish, to disappear.

"The hell are you talking about?" Rey asks., setting her fork down with a clatter. Her eyes flash with green and brown fire.

"He didn't tell you he got expelled from our school?" Nines asks, gripping Finn's shoulder and digging his fingers in, grinning at Finn because he knows he's hurting him.

"No, he didn't," says Phasma slyly.

"What did I ever do to you, Nines?" Finn demands. He can't look at Poe. He doesn't want to see his face.

Nines blinks, as if he can't believe Finn actually challenged him for once. Well, sort of.

 _It's not wrong to defend yourself,_ Maz insisted at a previous session. _Why do you think you deserve this?_

Because everyone, from whoever his parents were to whoever his foster parents were, to the kids at school—they all tell him he's worthless. It's fine to step on Finn, because he doesn't matter.

 _I do matter._

"Yeah, because of something _you_ did," Finn retorts. "Guess what, Nines? I don't care what you have to say."

"Oh really?" Phasma asks. "Tell me, Nines, what exactly is this 'hacker' business all about?"

"Um, no," Rey says, standing up. She's tiny compared to Nines, but with her lips pulled back in fury, Finn wouldn't want to go up against her. "You don't get to come over here and talk shit about my friends."

"Free country," Nines sneers.

"I'm not from your country," Rey points out, face stony and voice cold.

"I'm not going to fight a girl," Nines scoffs.

"This 'girl' is going to kick your ass," Rey threatens, stepping closer.

"Whoa!" Finn jumps up, grabbing Rey's shoulder. "Rey, calm down. You don't want to get in trouble."

"I agree," Phasma says, sauntering over to Nines. "Let's talk elsewhere, shall we?" She grins malevolently over her shoulder at Finn.

 _Fuck_.

 _Who are you fooling? Only yourself._

 _You're not brave. You're worthless._

Finn runs.

* * *

Ben steps out of the shower and listens. Quiet. _Thank God_. Hux and Mitaka are probably off drinking in the parking lot corner or something.

Ben's actually in pain from what Snoke did to him today. For two weeks after he let Ben go to the game, he didn't touch Ben, and then this afternoon he hurt him worse than Ben can remember. He's itching to google all the possible things that could be wrong with him, all the things that could have happened, but as he reads through WebMD and Mayo Clinic, he starts to shake and slams his laptop shut, doubling over and trying _to breathe, just breathe, breathe dammit!_

Ben staggers to his feet and rips open Hux's desk drawer, fumbling around for the never deficient supply of weed. He leaves a twenty in its place—because his parents never fail to send him money—as he tosses the baggie onto his bed and lights up.

 _You're just like your father, now. Like how he used to be._

 _I am nothing like that man._

The door cracks open. "Mr. Solo?"

Ben freezes, the joint still smoking in his hand. His mind can't even scrounge up an appropriate curse.

"Oh dear," Threepio sighs.

Within minutes Ben's marched to Threepio's apartment, where his dorm parent calls his uncle, no doubt getting an order for a drug test. As if they need one, when they've caught him red-handed.

 _And Snoke…_ Ben gulps dry air as he considers the principal's reaction. He'll blame Ben's French grades on it. What if he retracts his recommendations?

Ben leans his forehead against his knees, trembling. The daze from the high vaporizes, leaving him with nothing more than crushing shame.

The door opens and Uncle Luke storms in, jaw set and eyes sparking as he heads directly for the couch Ben's sitting on. _He's here._

Ben can't move. He looks up at his uncle in terror. _Dammit,_ stop _it, it's fine!_ He's got to be calm—he's always got to be calm.

"Your parents," Uncle Luke informs him. "Are going to be _pissed_."

"Tell me something I don't know," Ben mutters.

"Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you!" Uncle Luke yells.

Ben snaps his head up, trying not to cry.

Uncle Luke drags his hands through his peppery hair. "God, Ben. I thought—but I hoped— _God_ , Ben!"

He says nothing. He could tell them the pot was Hux's, but he's not a narc. Besides, there'd be no way to prove it, and he was the one using it.

"You have to come with me now," Uncle Luke informs him. "Dr. Kalonia's going to test you—"

"There's no need! I did it, Threepio saw me smoking, I smoked pot just like God knows how many teenagers!" Mitaka had been tested once, last year, and Ben knows what that test entails and he does not want to strip in front of the doctor. In front of _anyone_. Not when he's still aching. Not ever.

"Ben, you know the rules! Marijuana's not allowed at school, no matter what the state says. You're almost certainly going to be suspended." Uncle Luke sighs. "I'm taking you to Dr. Kalonia, and then I'm taking you to call your parents from my office. Got it?"

"Can't _you_ call them?"

"No, Ben, I really think this ought to come from you. You need to learn to take responsibility for yourself."

Now Ben really feels like he's going to throw up. Whatever glop he ate for dinner undulates in his stomach as his uncle takes his arm and practically drags him out of Threepio's apartment.

Dr. Kalonia tries to make it the least awkward she can, but the lady isn't thrilled at being called back to work at eight in the evening. When he's given his sample, Ben yanks his pants back up and squeezes his arm so hard he's angry his bones don't break.

"Come on." Uncle Luke crosses his arms as he leads Ben across campus towards his office. "And if you aren't polite and respectful to my sister and her husband, that will _not_ work in your favor when I meet with Mr. Snoke tomorrow."

 _I hate you,_ Ben thinks as he follows. He curls his fist, trying to fight the urge to send it slamming into his uncle's back, but he's steadily losing control and he _can't._

"In," Uncle Luke orders, unlocking the door and holding it open. He picks up the phone and dials, holding the receiver out to Ben, who takes it in his hands like it's an explosive. Uncle Luke kicks back in his swivel chair.

"Hello?"

 _Shit_. "Uh—Mom?"

"Ben! Luke texted us and told us that you would be calling." Her tone descends into seriousness. "Let me put you on speaker. What happened?"

"I—" Ben swallows and then spits it out: "Threepio found me smoking pot."

"What?" demands his father.

"Everyone does it!"

"Listen, kid," Dad says. "Haven't I always told you to stay away from stuff like that? It's still coming back to haunt me years later! And your mother!"

"It was just one joint!"

"Are you telling me this is the first and only time you've smoked weed?" Mom cuts in.

"That's not—" Ben flattens his hand against his thigh, pressing and pressing. He stops speaking, glancing at his uncle, who glares at him. _Why does everyone hate me?_

* * *

"Finn!"

He should have known Rey wouldn't leave him alone for long. Or Poe, for that matter. Finn unlocks the door. _Or Jess, or Snap._

"Dude, you can't run away from us," Snap says.

"What was that all about?" Jess demands as she drops to the floor of the hotel room.

"Did you really get expelled?" Rey asks.

Poe doesn't say anything, and fear sparks in Finn. He can't look at Poe as he nods.

"Hacking?" Rey queries. He feels her hand on his arm.

"No. Well, yes, but no." Finn shakes his head. "I didn't—I wasn't involved in it. Nines used my computer to do it, though, so…"

"What did he hack?" Jess questions.

"The school system. Wiped out all of the teachers' grades for the past few years. Messed with most of their files. He asked me to borrow my computer to get back at our English teacher who failed him on a poetry assignment. I thought he might write a mean email or something. I had no idea he would do what he did."

"Don't the police get involved in stuff like that?" Snap asks.

Finn rolls his eyes. "Yes. I felt terrible, so I went to our principal and told him about Nines and what he'd done, and then they found it on my computer and Nines wouldn't confess, so they asked me again, and it was just… easier to say I did it." He shakes his head and looks at Rey. "See, Rey? I'm a coward."

"But _why?"_ she asks, eyes searching his. "Why would you admit to that?"

He laughs, a cracked, broken sound because he knows how fragile, how _stupid_ , he is, and now they all will too. "I thought they'd appreciate it. I thought we were friends. Except, when I was still allowed to attend the school, that whole group decided they didn't want anything to do with me anymore." Finn closes his eyes. "Lando Calrissian was the only administrator who believed me. He took me in, because after I was arrested, my foster parents kicked me out too."

"Were you charged?" Snap asks. "Like, criminally?"

"Snap!" Jess chastises him.

"I took a plea bargain. Community service and stay out of trouble for one year. Then my record'll be expunged." He still can't look at Poe. _Why hasn't he said anything?_

"Why didn't you tell me?" Poe finally demands. "Or, us?"

Finn shrugs. "It's not exactly something I'm proud of."

Rey stares at the carpet and its twisted colors—burnt orange, red, and ebony. "We wouldn't have judged."

"But would you have _believed_ me, though?" Finn demands.

"Of course!" Rey's jaw drops as if she's offended Finn could think otherwise.

"Why wouldn't we?" Poe asks, stepping over to Finn's other side and crouching down. He looks at Finn as if confused.

"Seriously," Jess agrees. "We _know_ you, Finn."

He shakes his head, a lump in his throat.

Rey wraps her arms around him in an embrace. Finn hugs her back, and she shudders as if there's something she almost says, but can't quite let go of, not yet.

 _It's okay, Rey,_ Finn thinks. _Whenever you're ready._

"Move, Rey," Poe orders, and then he's kissing Finn in front of their friends, not just a peck but long and hard.

"Get a room," Jess groans. "Wait. Get a _different_ room!"

Poe pulls away and Finn chuckles. Poe knows, and Poe still wants him.

"I'm still kinda mad at you," Poe says. "For _not_ telling me."

"I don't think I'm a very trusting person," Finn admits. To put it mildly. Poe shrugs as if reading between the lines: not many people have given Finn reason to trust them.

"I like you anyways," Poe says, grinning, and Finn wonders whether it's _like_ or _love_ and whether that matters. It does, he thinks, and oh God, he loves Poe.

"We could threaten this Nines into confessing," Snap suggests. Poe's eyes light up.

" _No_ ," Finn insists, Poe's arm still resting on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter. It really doesn't."

"Okay," Poe says, his other hand gripping Finn's arm.

"Your future isn't behind you," Rey says quietly. "It's ahead."


	10. Legacy

_Your grandfather would have expelled you._

But the rules have changed since Ben's grandfather was in charge, so a week-long suspension is all he gets. _Maybe_. Snoke's fury poured off of him in their meeting, the meeting Artoo attended with Ben since his parents couldn't make it.

And there's the unspoken phrase: _you're more like your father than I thought._

For that matter, he's been ordered to stay with Uncle Luke for the next week. Hux smirks as he passes Ben in the hall, and Ben glares at him. He can just imagine what's going through Hux's mind: money for him, his roommate gone for the week… it's a win-win.

Ben's teachers email him his school work, and Ben spend the rest of his day huddled in Uncle Luke's guest room, loathing himself and at the same time loathing Uncle Luke and Mr. Snoke and this fucking school for being stuck two decades earlier in terms of morality.

 _I'm screwed,_ Ben thinks. He's never going to be able to get away from here, not really. There's too much of his father in him. He more or less completely at Mr. Snoke's mercy when it comes to whether he can even get into college or not, and he can't tell anyone about what Snoke makes him do, because he's been doing it for years and surely people would ask why a tall, strong kid like Ben didn't fight him off, didn't tell someone years earlier, why he let it continue on for so long.

He needs Snoke, and he hates him for it.

"Ben?" Uncle Luke calls sometime in the evening. "Dinner's ready. And you at least don't have cafeteria food!"

Is he actually trying to joke? Ben rolls his eyes and taps his phone. Six texts from Mom, two from Dad. He cringes.

"Ben?" Uncle Luke sticks his head into the room. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm not hungry," Ben says.

"You're a teenage boy, Ben. Logically, you're always hungry."

Ben is starving, and he groans as he sits up.

"Did you stay in here all day?" Uncle Luke asks, frowning.

"I'm not allowed to leave your house, remember?" Ben snaps.

"You are allowed to leave my guest room, Ben. I made pasta. Come on."

Ben trudges down the stairs after his uncle. "How did the soccer teams do?"

"The girls' team won. The boys' team lost."

 _Rey won._ Ben's spirits lift a little.

"Mr. Snoke said to tell you he'll continue mentoring you," Uncle Luke adds.

The forkful of fettuccine alfredo stops halfway to Ben's mouth. "He did?"

"Yes." Uncle Luke leans across the table, studying Ben's face. "I asked him, because I thought you might be relieved if you knew."

He shrugs.

"Do you _want_ to continue with Mr. Snoke?" Uncle Luke inquires.

"Of course," Ben says quickly. The pasta tastes like sludge, because he doesn't want to taste it. "How are _your_ mentoring sessions going?" he asks, spinning the tables before Uncle Luke can notice something to pounce on. "With Rey Kenobi?"

"She's a sweet girl," Uncle Luke says.

"So you're glad you gave her that scholarship after all?"

"I don't like your tone, Ben."

He deflates.

"Yes, I am. She mentioned that you told her about me and her grandfather," Uncle Luke adds, taking a sip of water.

"Not everything. I figure some of it should come from you. Ideally," Ben says, watching his uncle's face twitch.

"There are limits to what—"

"To what she needs to know?" Ben demands. "That's bullshit. You should tell her and tell her soon." _Or I will._

"Ben, have you considered seeing a counselor?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"You're acting irrationally," Uncle Luke informs him. "And you're a teenager. When you're an adult, you'll understand why we do the things we do."

"That I doubt." Ben stands, shoving his half-eaten bowl away from him. "I'm done. _Thanks_."

* * *

Two days later, tapping on the door interrupts Ben's empty Reddit searches. He drags himself out of bed and hears a familiar bark.

 _Chewie?_

 _Oh no._

Ben briefly contemplates pretending he's taking a nap, but that will never work. He opens the door and Chewie bounds in, followed by his father.

"Hey, kid."

Ben tries to ignore Chewie and can't. He drops to his knees and scratches behind Chewie's ears. "What are you doing here? I thought you were too busy."

"Your _mother_ is too busy. They still need her at the foreign affairs office as a consultant. I, on the other hand, can afford to take time off."

Ben rolls his eyes. "And Uncle Luke called and told you I'm a fuck-up."

" _You_ called," Dad points out. "And okay, he called last night." He frowns. "Hey! Watch your language!"

"Whatever. I'm not a fuck-up. I'm fine. I mean, I messed up, I smoked weed, so has practically every other kid. I won't do it again. You can go home and tell Mom that and you can both sleep happy tonight."

"Why would you think that would make me happy, Ben?" Dad demands, adjusting the vest he always wears. "I came up here to talk to you. See how you're doing."

"I'm _fine_."

"Luke thinks you might need to talk to someone—"

"I'm fine!" Ben screams.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Dad clutches his hair as if Ben's making him want to tear it out. "If you want help, Ben, this is me offering to help you get some!"

Ben shakes his head, the memories of what he did to his father over the summer surfacing and threatening to topple him. _It's too late_. "I don't _need_ help!" _I'm not weak._

He's not. He's more than weak. He can barely look his father in the eye, he likes a girl who will never like him, and he'll never, ever live up to his grandfather's legacy or his mother's or even his damn uncle's, because he's a failure, but he can't fail because it's not an option.

"I smoked pot a few times," he snaps. "It's not like I was smuggling drugs."

Chewie growls as if he knows what Ben said.

Dad's face blanches. "Listen here—that was when I was young, and stupid. Your mother straightened me out."

"I'm not that stupid," Ben says, watching his words cut his father where he's aimed them, and feeling them cut himself.

Dad swallows. "I know you're not."

"I'm not a fool like you." That's the sentence. It sends his father stepping backwards, looking at Ben as if he doesn't know who he is anymore.

"I have schoolwork to do. Studying," Ben says, turning on his heel and stalking into Uncle Luke's guest room. He slams the door and actually pulls out his French textbook, but without Rey's help, the words mean nothing. After about a half hour, he cracks the door open.

Nothing.

Dad left.

Ben stares at the empty living room with its empty couches and its empty chairs.

His dad won't even want to save him now.

* * *

Both teams get back to school in the early evening, after a brief stop at a pizza place to celebrate her team's win and Poe's birthday.

"Legally an adult," Poe proclaims.

" _Legally_ being the key word there," warns Coach Connix. "You still have to do what your teachers say, Dameron."

"Yeah, yeah." Poe grins.

Rey notices him checking his phone multiple times, only to lose a little light in his eyes after each check, until at last, as they're arriving, his dad calls.

Finn nods as if giving Poe's dad approval for calling.

"See you tomorrow," Rey says as she gets off the bus, Poe still chattering on the phone. "Happy Birthday!"

Poe nods and waves. Finn gives her a hug.

Jess collapses straight into bed, but Rey can't sleep. She fiddles with her phone, surfs the internet, tries to study, but nothing works.

On nights like these, nights when she prayed to whatever god or universe might be listening, might care, for her mother to return, when Unkar Plutt stomped around their apartment, Rey would slip out her window, scale the fire escape and climb to the roof of their building.

At Jedi Academy, if she goes outside after hours, she'll wind up in the dean's office again.

But soccer's over for the season. There are no more practices to miss.

Rey slides off her bed and cracks open the door, slinking through the dilapidated dorm with her phone in her pocket. She's not even sure where she wants to go. Maybe to the top of the hill, where the quad is, to look at the stars.

It's all too easy for her to scale the gate, and from there Rey hides from an oblivious security guard on patrol and darts towards the quad.

Someone's already there.

"Oh," she says, recognizing him. "It's you."

"What are you doing out of your dorm?" Ben asks, voice tilted somehow. Slurred. He holds a bottle of what looks like red wine in his hand.

"Aren't you supposed to be suspended? Phasma said Hux texted her and said—"

"Yeah, but I'm staying with my uncle. Staff housing is on campus, too. I'm just not supposed to leave. House arrest." Ben drinks from the bottle.

"Where'd you get that?" Rey demands.

"My uncle's cabinet. Picking locks is easy. He's got like dozens of bottles. He won't notice."

"If you get caught, considering the circumstances—won't they expel you?"

"I don't think I care." He drinks some more. "I do care," he admits. "I don't care. Both." Ben peers at her. "I was going crazy in that house. How about you?"

Rey wraps her arms around herself. Her thin jacket isn't enough for the autumn chill. "I couldn't sleep. I wanted to look at the stars."

"Do you know constellations?" Ben asks, almost eagerly.

"No. I mean, not besides the Big Dipper. And the little one."

"Come here." Ben pats the grass next to him, and even though her stomach clamps, Rey takes a seat next to him as he points to various shapes and constellations. Even drunk, his voice has a soft, sensitive wave to it, lulling Rey almost to sleep.

"Am I boring you?" he asks.

"What? No! Not at all." Rey peers into his eyes so he'll know she's telling the truth.

"Want some?" He offers her the bottle, and against her better judgment, Rey takes it and glugs some down. Hot damn, it's stronger than she thought. She coughs.

"Not used to it?"

"I suppose you're more than used to it."

"Not really." Ben puts the bottle down. "I don't really drink much. Except now."

"Why?" Rey leans back on her arms.

"My dad came to see me. Mom's too busy. He just… he doesn't like me, and I don't like him, and he _left_."

Rey blinks. "But he came to see you."

"He was guilted into it."

"Ben, my mother doesn't… I mean, she was gone. Always. My father could be a prince or he could be a drug addict. I'll never know. My mom probably didn't know. You _have_ parents." She shakes her head, because she doesn't understand how he could reject his parents, how he could hate them.

"You're lonely," he states, and she hears the undercurrent flowing through his voice: _so am I._

Rey grabs the wine and drinks some more. She likes the taste.

"Why did she leave?"

Rey shrugs. "Who knows? She's dead. I found out over the summer, when child protective services took me in." She drinks more. Fast.

"Were you on your own before that?" He lies back, staring up at her with concern in his eyes.

"Kind of. Not really. I lived with my mother's sort-of boyfriend. Unkar Plutt." Rey shudders, and she drinks more to wash away the taste of his name, the feel of it on her tongue. She hates him. "He was an asshole."

He sits back up, rubbing his head. "What happened?"

"I ran away. I stole his car and I ran away." Rey swallows several mouthfuls, the wine sending her head spinning. "I didn't really steal it, actually," she admits, fully aware that she's sharing too much and not caring. "I was borrowing it and he freaked out and called the cops. They arrested me but let me go. I guess it was a blessing in disguise."

"Borrowing it to meet with friends?" He's teasing.

"No." The cold seeps through Rey's jacket, through her jeans. She runs her hand through the wet grass. "No, I borrowed it because I—because Unkar— _fuck_ —because he was an asshole and he—he raped me." She's not sure she's ever said that out loud before. _Damn wine_.

Ben doesn't say anything, but he looks at her, and even though it's dark, his eyes— _God_.

"I was afraid I was pregnant," Rey whispers. "I wasn't. I was just scared. So I wanted to go to a clinic to get a test and get an abortion if I was, and he wouldn't give me money to take public transport, so I borrowed his car. I'd been more or less avoiding the apartment after it happened, anyways. I think he freaked out. And the policewoman who arrested me figured it out." Rey grabs the wine and chugs it.

"Is he in jail?"

"Yeah." Rey lets go of the bottle, dropping her head.

"He deserves to be shot," Ben spits. "I'm sorry, Rey."

"He does," Rey agrees. "But it doesn't matter—because I'm stuck here. Not the academy, but just—I—he comes into my mind whenever I want to forget him, and he won't leave me alone. And my mother—she should have known what kind of man he was and she still left me with him and I _hate_ her for it. She's _dead_ , and I still hate her for it."

"You could get counseling."

"Me?" Rey snorts. "How about _you?"_

"Shh." He grabs her arm. "Do you hear that?"

"No." And then, footsteps. "Shit!"

"Come on!" Ben grabs her and they scramble out of the quad, down one of the narrow pathways. Rey stumbles, her head spinning.

"I think I'm going to throw up." She wraps her arms around a tree, panting.

* * *

 _Wtf?_ Poe texts back. The last person he expected to get a text from right now, in the middle of the goddamn night, is Ben Solo, telling him Rey is drunk and needs help getting into her dorm. _How am I supposed to know how to get into Jakku?_

It's one in the morning. What on earth is Rey even doing out at this hour?

 _Can you text her roommate?_ Ben asks. Then: _she's really sick._

 _I'm guessing the alcohol was yours, bro,_ Poe texts back. He's awfully tempted to just let this emo brat get expelled. But that would be at Rey's expense, and Poe can't do that to his friend. He climbs out of bed and slips his shoes on, scurrying through Yavin 4 and climbing up one of the pillars, onto the roof, where he crawls to the edge and slips down to the ground.

Jess hasn't responded to his texts, so Poe finally calls her.

"What the hell?" she greets him.

"Your roommate is very, very drunk, apparently, and I'm going to bring her to the Jakku gate in five. Can you help her get in?"

"What? Poe, I'm barely awake here—"

"See you in five." Poe hangs up and jogs down on of the paths, turning towards the right to find Rey clutching a tree, Ben clutching her arm and looking incredibly guilty.

"What did you give her?" Poe demands.

"I drank wine," Rey moans. "It was my own choice, Poe."

"Okay," Poe says, reaching for her. "Okay, Rey. I'm going to take you to your dorm, and Jess is going to let you in, okay?" He glares at Ben.

"I'm sorry," Ben mumbles.

"'S not your fault," Rey slurs.

"You're bad news. Stay away from her," Poe snarls at Ben.

He nods, stepping back. "I know." And then he's gone, disappearing down the path that leads to staff housing.

"C'mon, Rey," Poe coaxes her as she groans. He has to pause and hold her hair as she vomits again.

"How's she going to climb up?" Jess hisses through the gate when they finally arrive at Jakku.

"I'll be fine," Rey sings.

"Uh, Rey, I don't think you will," Poe says, staring at the gate.

"I can _do_ it!"

"Let me give you a boost, at least?" he begs.

"Mm… 'kay."

Poe lifts Rey by her waist, watching her scramble to climb the gate. Her foot clangs against the metal, and he sucks in his breath, but no one comes to bust them.

Rey drops safely to the ground. "Thanks," she says. "An' happy birthday."

"It's not my birthday anymore. Not technically," Poe calls. "Sleep well." He doubts very much that he'll see her in history tomorrow.


	11. Implode, Explode

"Did you hear about Finn?" Phasma announces as they wait for Lor San Tekka to start class.

Finn shakes his head as Poe casts him an anxious look. A hungover Rey stares at her desk, her notebook not even open.

"Well, Hux," Phasma intones dramatically. "Let me tell you what we found out."

"What is your problem?" Rey groans.

"Not drinking," Phasma snarks.

"Leave her alone," Finn snarls. Poe told him what happened last night, and Finn kind of wants to punch Ben in the face. Not that he can.

"So anyways, Hux," Phasma continues, snapping gum.

"Good morning!" Mr. San Tekka crows as he comes through the door. "Today we'll be discussing the rise of fascism in Europe following the first World War…"

It'll be all over the school by lunch, Finn knows. He tries to tell himself it doesn't matter, that he doesn't care, but he does.

Poe reaches under the desk and grasps Finn's hand, squeezing it. And then Poe nods at Rey, and Finn takes it upon himself to jab her awake.

"I hate myself," Rey mumbles when the period ends. "I'm so sorry, guys. Thanks for helping last night, Poe."

"Not a problem," Poe assures her.

Beebee-Ate joins them for lunch, glancing at Finn with sad eyes. "I'm sorry everyone's being mean."

Finn sighs. "Thanks, Beebee-Ate."

Rey picks at her food, only putting two apple slices in her mouth.

"Hey, Finn!" calls Mitaka as they leave the cafeteria. "I didn't know you were such a hardcore criminal!"

Finn ducks around the corner and runs straight into another body. "Sorry!"

"Don't worry about it," Mr. Skywalker says, cocking his head and studying Finn.

"I say," rasps Mr. Snoke beside Mr. Skywalker. "I wouldn't have thought that to be the type of thing you brag about, Finn. Unless, of course, you're proud of it?"

Finn shakes his head. "No, sir."

"Some people from his old school were jerks about it," Poe puts in. "At the tournament."

"Language," Mr. Snoke scolds, like a parent telling a two year old not to have a second cookie. "And if it's the truth, Mr. Dameron, you can hardly feel justified in calling them that."

"Yeah, but—" Poe starts, but Finn shakes his head. _It's not worth it_.

Poe sighs.

Mr. Skywalker studies Finn. His hand skims Finn's shoulder. "If you feel as if you're being bullied, Finn, you can always come and talk to me. We'll see that it stops."

Another adult who cares about him. Finn's heart lifts. "Thank you, sir. Mr. Skywalker."

Mr. Skywalker nods and follows Mr. Snoke down the corridor.

* * *

The day Ben's suspension ends and he enters health class, Rey gives him a tiny smile. _She doesn't hate me._

Finn and Poe glare at him, though. _They just might._

Mr. Ackbar launches into the dangers of teenage pregnancy, and Ben can hear Poe whispering witty commentary behind him. Ben wonders how Rey feels about this stupid conversation.

Uncle Luke didn't notice his missing wine. Well, he hasn't noticed yet. Ben just hopes he's not around whenever he does notice. _You need to pull it together,_ he tells himself. _Focus on school. Stop with everything else._

Hux whispers something to Phasma, and she laughs. From what Ben knows, both of them have had sex before, with people Ben's never even met, but he's never done it. Not of his own volition, and not with a girl.

 _Probably because you can't get a girlfriend even if you tried._

He wonders if Rey feels the same way, as if she's trapped and useless and damaged now.

 _We're alike, you and I_ , he thinks. Except she's far braver than he is, to say it out loud, to bare her scars for him to see.

During their next tutoring session, Rey clears her throat. "About the other night—"

"I won't say anything," Ben insists. "I promise."

"Thanks. I know you won't."

 _She trusts me._ His heart lifts.

Rey shoves his French book at him. "Read this. Out loud."

Ben withdraws over the next few weeks, trying to prove himself to Mr. Snoke, trying to prove himself to his parents even though he doesn't know why, to Finn and Poe even. His tutoring sessions with Rey go well, and he might even call her a friend, although he's too shy to ask for her number. He even fights with Hux less and helps that freshman they hang with—Beebee-Ate—when Phasma taunts him again.

 _A few more months,_ Ben repeats each time Snoke puts his hands on his body. _Just a few more months._

 _It's fine, it's fine. It's fine._

Until the day in early December when Snoke calls him into his office and, for the first time, Ben sees something akin to embarrassment on the principal's face. Snoke pinches his lips, and there's a jarring twinge of rose on his usually pallid face.

"We're going on a small trip today," Snoke announces, jangling his keys.

"Um—okay," Ben stammers. "Where?"

"I'll tell you when we're in the car."

As they're driving, Ben's nerves clash with each other until he finally erupts. "Where are—"

"There's a doctor about ten minutes from here who you should see," Snoke informs him. "I made you an appointment."

"What? Why?" Ben gapes at him. He hasn't buckled his seatbelt and he has no intention of doing so. Heat creeps up the back of his neck.

"Because," Snoke begins, voice prim and commanding at the same time, shadows and fire. "I recently received a report from my physician about a… problem."

"What kind of problem?" Ben demands, even though Ackbar's words are ringing in his ears and he wants to vomit.

"Something I must have contracted on one of my business trips." Snoke glances at him.

Ben doesn't care that Snoke is driving, he doesn't care about his own life—he thrusts both of his arms at his principal, his mentor, and the car swerves.

"Stop it!" Snoke bellows, his own arm snaking out to strike Ben in the chest. "You ungrateful little—"

"I can't—you could have given me—"

"You're pathetic," Snoke snarls. "Yes, maybe. But I'm _telling_ you, not leaving you in the dark. I'm getting you treatment for it, and I will pay for everything if you need help. This clinic doesn't ask questions. It's where most of your knocked up classmates go."

Ben gulps in air. It scrapes his throat. He can't believe this. Is this how Rey felt when she stole that car? Like terror was clay petrifying in her veins?

"I'm helping you," Snoke says again.

At least he's not as bad as that Plutt character, Ben tells himself. Still, tears burn at the back of his eyes, and he doesn't want Snoke to see him cry.

"In all fairness," Snoke says. " _You_ didn't tell me about your substance abuse issues."

"It's not an _issue_. I was just experimenting."

"Call it what you like," Snoke says, voice cold.

Was it an issue? Ben's not sure. He hasn't touched Hux's still plentiful supply of pot since getting suspended, or alcohol since the night Rey got drunk. He's _trying_ , dammit.

And it's all for nothing.

Ben bites his cheeks so hard he tastes blood. It's the only way he can keep from screaming.

He needs Snoke, and Snoke's destroying him.

Snoke makes him go into the clinic alone, just with enough cash to cover everything. The exam humiliates him and when he gets a call three days later, he hits himself so hard he can barely move his knee. _Someone notice. Someone see._

No one does, so Ben emails Snoke and makes sure to put in some accusatory language. _Apparently you did give me it._

"It's not a big deal," Snoke reassures him as he drives Ben to get treated. "Just a shot and antibiotics. It's curable."

"Should I _thank_ you for not giving me something incurable?" Ben snaps, and even though he's driving, Snoke backhands Ben across the face.

"My apologies," Snoke says as he pulls to the side of the street. Ben gapes at him, the man who was always there for him. "I am sorry, Ben, but your ungrateful attitude is really…" His voice trails off, because he doesn't need to finish.

Isn't that just what Ben's parents always accuse him of? Being _ungrateful_.

"You know," Snoke says when Ben leaves the clinic, clutching the stupid pamphlets and condoms the doctor gave him. "I don't know if I should mentor you anymore."

It's the thing Ben wants to hear, and it's everything he doesn't want to hear. Because he knows what everyone will think. And because once again, he's a failure, and now everyone will know.

"Your applications are already out," Snoke adds. "I don't think you have any further need of me."

Ben runs out of the car and into his dorm room, where he throws that brochure and the condoms on the bed and jumps into the shower, where the water stabs at his face and he can pretend he's not sobbing.

When he steps out of the shower, he finds Hux sitting at his desk, book in hand and a smirk on his face. "Having lady problems?"

"What?" Cold scorches his stomach.

Hux nods at the brochure and condoms on his bed. "Having problems with the girl who lives in Jakku?"

 _He read it._

Worse than people talking about him, now they'll be talking about Rey, and _they'll_ know and _she'll_ know, and nobody will really know. Ben lunges at Hux and grabs him by the throat. "Don't ever say that again!"

Hux gags. "Let me go!"

Ben releases him, and Hux shoves him back, coughing.

He's entirely at Hux's mercy, and he hates it. He hates Hux, and he hates himself. "Don't tell anyone," he manages.

"Are you planning on strangling me again anytime soon?" Hux demands.

Ben shakes his head. He could apologize. He doesn't.

 _I am being torn apart_.

"I won't," Hux promises. He hesitates. "They can cure you of that, right?"

"Yeah." They can't cure him of his memories, though, or reality.

* * *

"Hey Dad, it's me. I was just calling to… to say hi." Poe exhales. "Give me a call when you can, okay?" He hesitates. "I miss you. Bye."

Throwing his phone onto his bed, Poe stomps out of his room, heading for Finn's. His father barely talks to him anymore, and Poe's torn between wanting to cry and wanting to howl at the man that his wife might be dead, but he's still got a frickin' son.

" _No_ ," Poe hears Finn saying as Poe opens the door to find Mitaka facing off against Finn.

"What the hell is going on?" Poe demands.

"Finn's just being a baby," Mitaka snips, gesturing to a paper bag on his bed. "For after the Christmas banquet. We're not going to get caught."

"I told you, I don't want it in my room," Finn says. "Tell Phasma or someone else to hide it with them."

"It's not a big deal," Mitaka scoffs.

"Not for _you_ ," Finn retorts.

"Oh, that's right, you're a criminal," Mitaka says. "Dude, what does it matter if you get caught and get expelled? No college would admit—"

"Shut up," Poe orders, stepping closer to the pathetic boy, who steps back, eyes widening. He notices Ben schlepping by the open door, head down.

"I'm keeping it and there's nothing you can do," Mitaka taunts, turning around. "Fags."

"What did you just say?" Finn demands, but Poe's already springing into action. He grabs Mitaka, who panics and swings the alcohol bottle through the air.

"Stop!" Finn lunges, and suddenly there's a flash of black. Ben pushes Poe away from Mitaka. The bottle slams into Finn's skull and shatters.

Poe's jaw drops as he stares at his boyfriend, collapsed on the floor in a pile of rum and frosted glass and bleeding from his head. "Finn!" He drops to the ground and tries to shake him. "Finn, wake up—please—" Bile rises to his throat and he's panicking, he's not sure whose gray face he's seeing, or remembering…

Mitaka screams, clutching his bloody hand.

Ben backs up.

"The fuck?" Hux bursts into the room. "Oh my God! Oh my—"

"Get Threepio!" Poe shouts. Hux dashes off. "Come on, Finn," he pleads. "Come on." He glares up at Mitaka. "You _bastard_."

"Me? It wouldn't have hit him if _he_ hadn't shoved him—"

"I wasn't trying to—"

Poe turns to Ben. "What the fuck did you think you were doing?"

He shakes his head.

"Oh, goodness gracious me!" Their dorm parent flutters into the room. Security comes, and Poe, Mitaka, Hux, and Ben are all dragged away from Finn and towards the dean's office. Poe looks at Snap and Snap nods as if to reassure Poe he'll wait outside the nurse's office until he knows that Finn will be okay.

"What happened?" Artoo demands as she rushes down the hallway, unlocking the door. "Mr. Skywalker will be here in a moment. Poe, Mitaka, Hux, Ben—"

"He was trying to hide rum in their room and Finn said no, and then he called us fags, and I went to punch him—" Poe clears his throat. "Which was wrong, I admit, but then Ben came in and tried to intervene, and he hit Finn in the head!"

"That's a lie!" Mitaka says, and Poe gapes at the trembling, pale boy. "The alcohol was Finn's. I was trying to get it away from him, bring it to Threepio—hitting him was an accident!"

"That's what happened," Hux puts in. "I heard it."

"Great," Artoo says sarcastically. "One of you is lying. Ben?"

He shakes his head. "I just jumped in when I saw fighting."

"Oh really?" Artoo crosses her arms. "You didn't hear anything? From next door?"

"Not much."

Poe glares at him, as does Hux. Hux's eyebrows swoop together.

"From what I did hear," Ben says, tracing the armrest. "It seemed like… like it was Finn's."

" _Liar!_ " Poe shouts. He can't believe this. What the—why is Ben lying?

"Hm." Artoo scowls and looks at Poe, who gazes back at her with tears in his eyes.

"I'm telling the truth," Poe insists.

"We'll see what Mr. Skywalker thinks," Artoo says, but she puts her hand on Poe's shoulder.

But Mr. Skywalker doesn't arrive alone. Mr. Snoke's with him, and he curls his flabby lips as he glowers at them all.

Poe tries to catch Ben's eye. Ben refuses to lift his gaze from his black skinny jeans.

"I'll interview Ben and Mitaka," Mr. Snoke says. "Luke, you interview Hux and Dameron."

As Mr. Skywalker calls Hux into his office and Mr. Snoke takes Ben, Poe notices that Ben's limping.

* * *

"What's going on?" Rey shrieks as she leaps to her feet. Dr. Kalonia refused to let her see Finn, so Rey ran to Mr. Skywalker's office.

"How's Finn?" Poe demands.

Rey shakes her head. "They won't tell me anything." She stifles a sob and glares at Mitaka, at Hux, and cocks her head as Threepio leaves with Ben bringing up the rear.

"We've all been ordered back to dorm," Poe says. He lowers his voice. "Ben lied, Rey. For them. He said the alcohol was Finn's and now Finn might get expelled because of his history."

"What?" Rey knows she can't make a scene in front of Threepio, but she nods and tells Poe she'll text. As Ben passes, she hisses: "How could you?"

He glances at her with his lips parted, eyes wide in shock, and she presses her lips together and glares. _Coward_.

"Miss Kenobi," Artoo says from behind her. "Are you all right, dear?"

Rey turns to the woman and shakes her head. "No, I'm not." She bursts into tears. "Don't let them expel Finn, please. They're _lying_. And no one will even tell me how he is." _And Ben._ Why? She thought he was her _friend_. She trusted him with the secret she hasn't even told Finn or Poe.

"He's going to be fine, Rey," Mr. Skywalker interrupts, voice gentle. "A concussion and a laceration. He'll be fine."

She sniffs and lifts her head from Artoo's shoulder. "You know Finn doesn't drink."

Mr. Skywalker hesitates. "We'll see what happens."

 _You_ do _know it,_ Rey thinks.

That night, she wishes she had Ben's number, just so she could text him and tell him off, ask him why, beg him to offer her a reasonable explanation so she doesn't have to hate him. To think she let him hear her most intimate secrets, and now he betrays Finn like this…

 _You should want to hate him._

She doesn't.

She can't sleep, and now she can't leave her dorm, because she doesn't want to remember the last time she slipped out.

Rey gets up early and, instead of breakfast, races for Dr. Kalonia's.

"You can see him," the doctor agrees, with a faint smile.

"Finn!" Rey swoops into the room.

"Hey, Rey!" He wraps his arms around her.

"I was so scared… Snap texted us and said there was a lot of blood, and…" Rey shakes her head. "You're _okay_."

"How's Poe?"

Rey shrugs. "In trouble. I think. Mitaka's giving one version of the story and Poe's giving another. Unfortunately Hux and Ben are backing Mitaka up. They're saying the alcohol was yours."

"Mine?" Finn tries to shake his head and cringes. "That's bullshit."

"I know, and I think Luke—Mr. Skywalker—knows too, but there's no telling what Mr. Snoke will do."

"Ben sided with Hux on something?" Finn groans. "That makes no sense. They hate each other."

"I don't know, Finn. I really don't."

* * *

 **So, everyone, on account of tomorrow being Easter and a family member's birthday, I will be traveling and thus won't be able to update tomorrow. I'm sorry! Updates will resume regularly on Monday. Also, I should state that this is the last truly "feel bad" chapter of the story. It's basically rock bottom, and there's nowhere to go but up.**


	12. Torn Apart

**Warning for a brief mention of suicidal thoughts.**

* * *

"So, what we have here," Mr. Snoke purrs. "Is two against three."

"One of who almost killed Finn," Lando puts in.

"I think that's an exaggeration, Mr. Calrissian," Mr. Snoke says.

"One of whom was suspended for marijuana recently," counters Lando, glancing at Finn.

"That's irrelevant. Even though Ben's no longer my mentee, I've worked with him long enough to know that he's not very much of a liar," Mr. Snoke says.

"That's ridiculous," scoffs Lando. "Have you looked at that kid?"

Something squirms in Finn's arms, in his legs. He shifts.

"Since when aren't you mentoring Ben anymore?" Mr. Skywalker demands.

"He's learned all he's willing to from me," Mr. Snoke says in a tone that refuses to be questioned. "And with Finn here, we have a history of—"

"Absolutely nothing related to alcohol," Lando cuts in.

"Are you ever going to let me finish?" Mr. Snoke snarls.

"Are you ever going to play fair?" Lando demands. "I don't _care_ about what you believe. The facts are that you can't prove what happened in that room. I'm an attorney, Snoke."

"Who used to be a smuggler just like Han Solo," Snoke retorts.

Finn's eyebrows rise and he looks to Mr. Skywalker for confirmation. Mr. Skywalker shrugs, but Finn's stunned. And kind of impressed.

"And a damn good one," Lando says with a smirk. "You have to pay for law school somehow."

"Fine." Mr. Snoke looks to Mr. Skywalker. "Finn gets to finish his semester here and take his exams. He leaves before the Christmas banquet, though, and if there's one more infraction, and I don't care how small it is, he's out of here."

"Seems fair," Lando says sarcastically.

Finn will take it.

"Kid," Lando groans as they emerge. "Why're you always getting in trouble for things you didn't do?"

Finn shrugs. "I don't know." Except he kind of does know. At his old school, he made poor choices in friends, poor choices in a desperate attempt to earn those friends' favor. Here, he was trying to do the right thing, and it still fucked him over.

"Well, I hate to tell you this, but on New Year's, we'll be going over the Solos. Snoke is right—Han's an old buddy of mine. Which means you'll have to deal with Ben. Are you okay with that? I can cancel if—"

"No," Finn says quickly. "That's fine."

"Also, Luke told me you and that Dameron kid are dating." Lando winks. "We can invite him to spend a few days, if you want."

* * *

"What are your plans for break, Rey?" Maz chirps.

"Mr. Skywalker got me an internship at a nursing home," Rey says to the counselor, shivering in the cold. Her heart aches as she sees all of her classmates packing to go home, to visit their families, and she doesn't have a home or a family.

"How do you feel about that?" Maz inquires gently.

Rey shrugs. "It'll be interesting. And it's only two weeks."

Maz studies her and nods. "If you ever need someone to talk to, Rey, let me know."

"I'm _fine_." Rey stalks away, guilt tingling in her chest, but she's sick of everyone acting as if she's not strong, as if she's some broken thing. She isn't.

"How did your exams go?" Artoo asks as Rey enters the office for her final Thursday.

"Pretty well." Rey shrugs. "Maths was… challenging. But I think I did okay."

Artoo winks. "I'm sure you did."

She finishes her work quickly and, before she leaves, she stops to say goodbye and thank you to Mr. Skywalker for her internship.

"You're welcome, Rey." Mr. Skywalker clears his throat. "Would you actually come in, for a sec?"

"Sure." Rey shuts the door behind her and sits on the padded bench. "What's up?"

Mr. Skywalker twist the glass cap of an empty candy jar. "I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you've done here. Your grandfather would be proud."

"Thank you," Rey says. "I wish I could've met him."

"He was an extraordinary man." Mr. Skywalker smiles. "And he mentored me when I started here as a freshman. I was terrified and light years behind my peers in everything, and Obi-Wan came out of retirement that year. He helped me."

"Did he keep mentoring you the entire time you were at Jedi Academy?" Rey asks.

"No." Mr. Skywalker shakes his head and breathes out. "No, he died at the end of that year."

"Oh!" Rey's startled. "I'm sorry." It's strange, her apologizing to a man for her own grandfather's death. "How—"

"Did he die?" Mr. Skywalker asks. "Ben's been after me to tell you for months."

 _Ben_. Rey's stomach cramps at that name. She still wants to punch him for how he threw Finn under the bus.

He sighs. "My father worked here, too. Obi-Wan, he knew who I was. Ironically, he didn't know who Leia was, though. Obi-Wan didn't tell my father, though, and my father wasn't a big fan of me. Years earlier, my father turned the entire board against Obi-Wan and got him fired. He came back the year I came back, because Dean Palpatine had a health problem."

"Like how Mr. Snoke hates Finn and me?" Rey blurts out.

"Mr. Snoke does not hate you, Rey, nor does he hate Finn. It's complicated." Mr. Skywalker sighs. "But yes, I suppose it's comparable." The glass lid spins and spins, scraping against the jar. "One night while Leia and I were out with a certain—well, a certain non-student with a bit of a reputation—well, Leia was in a bit of trouble and we thought we would help her out. Anyways, my father heard that students had snuck out of the school and was furious. He went to collect us and Obi-Wan got there first. He warned us to come with him, and we did, and there was a car accident."

"But that's not your fault," Rey says, because she can tell what's going through Mr. Skywalker's mind, years later.

Mr. Skywalker smiles. "I know, Rey."

 _No, you don't._ She sees the same ghosts haunting his eyes, the same ghosts that haunt her dreams as she relives her mother leaving, the ghosts that spewed from her mouth the night she and Ben got drunk on the quad.

"I thought you ought to know," Mr. Skywalker adds.

"Thanks for telling me," Rey says.

"Have a good break," Mr. Skywalker dismisses her.

"Rey!" Beebee-Ate runs up to her. "I heard you're not going back to the UK for Christmas."

Rey shrugs. "I don't have anyone there."

"Well," says Beebee-Ate. "Have a merry Christmas." He throws his arms around Rey, and she hugs him back.

* * *

"You're home!" Mom drops her iPad, leaping up to hug him. Ben flinches.

 _You're a monster._

Rey will never forgive him. He did it to keep Hux from telling about the STD… to keep his pride, keep his reputation, in Rey's eyes and in his peers, and he lost all of it anyways. _Lying was pointless._

And from what Dad said on the ride, he'll have to face Finn in front of his parents. Dad already knows, and Mom must know too. When it comes to Lando's word or their son's, they'll believe Lando, and Ben knows it's the smarter thing for them to do, but he hates it anyways.

Mom waits until dinner to bring up the subject. "Luke told us you're no longer working for Mr. Snoke."

The asparagus stalls in Ben's mouth. He shakes his head.

"Is it because of, uh, the suspension?" Mom ventures.

 _No, Mom, it's because Snoke gave me an STD_. "Kind of. I don't want to talk about it." He swallows and stuffs more food in his mouth, dropping a few pieces of meat to the floor for an eager Chewie.

"Okay," Han says, warding off the brewing argument. "How's French class going?"

"Better." It's not. Ben knows he failed—outright failed—his exam. All because he couldn't stop calling himself diseased and thinking about how disgusting he truly is. It's probably for the best that Rey is furious with him, because he wouldn't know how to tell her that all her hard work meant nothing, because he couldn't overcome himself.

And if his parents really knew, they would be repulsed too. Because it's not just what Snoke did to him. It's what Ben did.

"Lando and Luke told us—"

"I don't want to talk about it. I just got involved to break up the fighting." That much is true.

Mom and Dad exchange a look.

"I'm not lying!" _Not to you._

"Nobody said you were, until you brought it up," Mom points out.

"But you're looking at me like I am. Like you don't trust me." Ben's manipulating them and he knows it.

Dad sighs. "We don't have to talk about this right now."

 _Fine_. "How's being a consultant?" Ben asks Mom, sipping a glass of milk.

"It's fine," she says. "Not as demanding as being a full-out diplomat. I think I prefer it this way. The Senate, however, does want to hear from me in January."

"You'll be fine," Dad reassures her, taking Mom's hand.

She yanks her hand away. "We'll see."

 _See,_ this _is your father's history, Snoke whispered in his ear. Your hero._

 _A drug smuggler._

 _Ben wanted to vomit when he read it._

 _Considering your mother's job, don't you think people ought to know?_

To this day, Ben will never be sure if he leaked that to the press before Snoke could, or if Snoke never would have done it. He doesn't know if Snoke asked him to do it even though he does know that Snoke never said the words, or if he wanted to do it, if it was his choice or not.

Later that night, Ben hears his parents arguing about Mom's upcoming inquisition. "You didn't do anything wrong, Leia! It's me!"

"Stop blaming yourself!" Mom shouts. "I stayed with you because I love you!"

"I know! I just—God, how do you expect me not to feel guilty, woman?"

"Man up!"

The guilt permeates his body, coating his bones with lead. He lies there until four in the morning, unable to move, unable to sleep. When he finally snaps out of his stupor to go to the bathroom, the razor blades gleam unnaturally at him, the glare slicing his eyes.

He pulls one out, places it against his wrist, and wonders what it would be like to end it all. He grimaces at the sight of his face—his father's face, really—staring back at him in the mirror.

 _Your father is weak and foolish. A criminal._

 _So am I,_ Ben thinks, pricking himself with the blade. Tears spring to his eyes as blood springs from his skin.

 _Do it._

But it hurts, and he doesn't want to die.

 _You don't deserve to live._

Chewie whines from the doorway. Ben lets go of the blade, clutching the counter and breathing hard as the dog bounds towards him. He drops to his knees and buries his face in Chewie's neck.

* * *

"You seriously don't care if I go to my boyfriend's for New Years?" Poe asks his father.

"If it makes you happy," his father says, eyes glued to the television.

"No, Dad. Will that make _you_ happy? Will that make you sad?" Poe demands, crossing his arms. Christmas sucked without Mom, but he only has one more week to spend with his father, and he wants to _know_ , dammit.

"You being happy makes me happy," Dad says without even glancing at him. "That's what your mother would have said."

 _Speak to me!_ Poe wants to scream. _I'm here! I'm here, can't you see me, can't you stop caring about my happiness for just one second to just care about_ me, _all of me?_

"I've heard he's a nice kid, your boyfriend," Dad adds.

Poe's heart lifts. "He's awesome." _And I'm in love with him._ A year ago he would have felt comfortable sharing that. Now, he can't. "Do you want to come too? I'm sure Lando wouldn't mind if you—"

"I'm not really able to see that crowd," Dad says. "They remind me too much of her."

"At least you're honest," Poe gripes, heading to his room and texting Finn.

 _I'm sorry babe,_ Finn texts back. _:(_

Rey texts a selfie of grinning with an elderly woman. _This place is awesome!_

 _At least she's having fun,_ Poe thinks. Rey's having more fun with strangers than Poe's having with his father.

"Do we really have to spend New Year's with Ben, though?" Poe asks Finn after Lando drives two hours to pick Poe up. Poe's dad doesn't even emerge from the house to wave.

"We can stay with the adults," Finn suggests. "Leave that brat with the kids. Or, by himself."

Lando clears his throat. "You know New Year's Eve is Ben's birthday."

"Seriously?" Poe demands.

"I know he's a—well, kid's got issues a mile long. But try to be cordial to him, at least for Leia's sake. Save beating his ass for when you go back to school. Kidding. I'm kidding."

"We don't have to get him a present, do we?" Poe asks, lacing his hand with Finn's. Lando chortles.

"Not like he'd have friends to invite to a party," Poe adds to Finn.

Finn frowns. "I never had a birthday party."

"Really?"

"Nope." Finn fiddles with his phone. "I never really had good enough friends."

When they arrive at Leia's sprawling place, Finn's jaw drops. "This place is _amazing_ ," he gushes.

"Finn. Poe. Good to see you," says Mr. Skywalker, smiling at them with a champagne glass in his hand.

Chewie bounds down the marble staircase and leaps at Poe and Finn, who both fall to their knees to pat the dog.

Poe lifts his head to see Ben skulking past. "Look who it is," he says to Finn.

"The birthday boy!" Finn calls, clearly putting on a brave face.

Ben stops and stares at them, face turning red. "Did Lando tell you?"

"Is there going to be cake later?" Poe asks, deciding to follow Finn's lead. "Because _that's_ worth celebrating."

"Yes, there is!" announces Ms. Organa, hurrying into the entryway. "Finn, Poe, it's good to see you. Poe, tell your father we miss him."

"I will," Poe says.

Ms. Organa shrugs. "He loved your mother so, so much."

"Thank you," Poe says, not sure why, but knowing this feeling swelling inside him—it's gratitude. She understands.

Ben still watches Finn as if he expects him to stab him once he turns his back.

"Is it me," Finn whispers to Poe. "Or is the resident sociopath looking like he feels a little guilty?"

" _Good_." Poe remembers all the blood gushing from his boyfriend's scalp and wipes his fingers against the floor, just to remind himself that right now, they're dry.

Poe gets to chat more with Han Solo, and regardless of the fact that the man was a drug smuggler once, Poe thinks he's awesome. Ms. Organa seems rather cool towards him, though. When she brings out Ben's cake, her son looks like he wants to run in the other direction and as Han tries to grab her hand, she pulls it away.

 _Weird,_ Poe thinks.

Ben blows out his candles and barely manages to eke out a thank you to everyone. Probably he realizes that half of the people in the room can't stand him. Poe almost feels sorry for him. Almost.

"Not sneaking any wine tonight?" Poe asks as the adults congregate to one corner.

"Why, are you?" Ben snips.

"Nope. We're walking the straight and narrow," Finn says.

"Is your head okay?" Ben asks Finn. Ben slips half of his cake onto the floor for Chewie to eat and notices Poe watching. "It's vanilla. It won't hurt him."

Poe shrugs. It's weird to see this jerk doting on a dog. And looking not just guilty, but very, very vulnerable.

"Head's fine," Finn says.

Poe's phone buzzes. Rey, with a photo of a bingo sheet. _My crazy New Year's._

Finn grins, as he's clearly gotten the same text.

"Rey?" Ben questions.

"She's having a fun bingo night," Poe says.

"Hey, give me your phone," Finn says to Ben.

Ben slides his hand inside his pocket and withdraws his phone. "Why?"

Finn snatches it and taps at the screen. "Here. This is Rey's number. Happy Birthday. Although, I swear to God if you text her anything that creeps her out, I'll personally slam a bottle across your head and see how you like it."

"Did you actually?" Poe yelps. "Finn, Rey will—"

"I won't text her," Ben promises. "But—thanks? Is this your way of asking me to support you next time?"

"Nah." Finn shakes his head. "I just remember feeling alone on my birthday too, is all."

"I'm not alone!" Ben insists.

"Keep telling yourself that, buddy." Finn pats him on the shoulder and saunters away, Poe scrambling after him.

"Are you for real right now? Rey's gonna be pissed! Besides, he's a scumbag. She deserves better."

"I don't actually want her to date him," Finn hisses. "It's just—I spent more than enough birthdays with the exact same face he's wearing right now. People are there, but maybe no one wants to be there."

"His parents do."

Finn looks pointedly at Poe, who thinks of his dad. "Oh. Okay." Poe sighs, glancing over his shoulder to see Ben scratching Chewie's head with an all too familiar look of crushing, inescapable sadness on his face. "We can go sit near him, if you want."

"I don't know if I _want_ , but we will," Finn answers, pulling Poe back over. They don't talk much to Ben, but he almost smiles at them, and Poe wonders yet again why Ben lied for Hux. _What does he have on you?_

After fireworks explode overheard and everyone cheers, Poe turns to Ben. "New Year. You can try for a new start."

Ben blinks. "With Rey?"

"And maybe with us."

Ben's eyes widen and his mouth hovers open for a moment. "Thanks."

Poe smiles at him, and Ben smiles back, fully this time.

Lando drives them home. Poe's staying in their guest room, but he sneaks into Finn's room with his heart pounding.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey."

Poe grabs Finn and kisses him, opening his mouth and exploring Finn's. Both of them gasp for air, as if they're drowning but drowning is pleasant instead of torment. With Finn, Poe forgets about his father, about his mother and her accident, about the fact that he's technically an adult and he doesn't feel like one.

"I love you," Poe whispers, his mind filling with images of Finn's sensitivity, his kindness towards Ben and Nines and all of these people who don't deserve it—and yet Finn treats them decently. He inspires Poe. He's innocent and beautiful and, in many ways, who Poe wants to be when he grows up.

"I love you too," Finn breathes in his ear, and Poe's eyes sting. He hasn't heard that phrase since his mother died.

Poe slides his hands down Finn's back, towards his waist, and suddenly Finn grips his hands, stopping him.

"Sorry," Poe pants.

"It's fine. I just—I'm not ready," Finn tells him. "Is that—okay?"

Poe nods. The only time he had sex, it was meaningless. He did it because he wanted to know what it was like, not because he wanted to show someone else that he loved them, and he doesn't want Finn to do it unless he wants to. "Yeah. That's fine." He kisses Finn again. "Whenever you're ready. I'm not going anywhere."


	13. Bad Eggs

"So," Beebee-Ate asks as Finn takes a seat at their table the first day of classes. "What's the senior prank going to be this year?"

"Do people actually organize stuff like that?" Rey asks.

"We'll never tell," Snap says mysteriously.

"I think people just wing it," Poe says. "Like different groups of seniors pull prank ideas out of their asses and just do it."

"You will warn me, won't you?" Beebee-Ate asks. "Because it's your final semester. We underclassmen all know it's coming."

"Who says we're doing anything?" Finn asks.

Poe shrugs. "It could be fun."

"No," Jess interrupts. "See, Finn and Rey, Snap and Poe and I have been talking for years about this. _Years_. We are definitely doing something, but we'll avoid freshmen, Beebee-Ate, I promise." She frowns. "I'm in student government. I have our class email list, so I could get everyone involved."

"You can't get in trouble if your entire grade is a part of it," Poe explains. "I bet we could even get the evil kids to take part." He jerks his head to the left, where Phasma saunters by, Hux behind her and looking up at her like she's a goddess.

"Could we do something at the welcome back dance?" Snap wonders.

"Too soon, isn't it?" Rey asks, biting into her bagel. "To plan something?"

"Probs," Poe agrees.

The bell rings, and they all gather their bags and books. Finn taps Rey on the shoulder. "Uh, Rey?"

"Yeah?" She faces him with a grin.

"I should probably tell you… I gave Ben Solo your number."

Rey's jaw drops. " _Why?"_

Finn launches into his explanation. "It was his birthday, and he looked sad, and… you haven't heard from him, have you?"

"No." Rey shakes her head.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" Finn questions. He's been second-guessing himself since New Year's.

"No." She wraps an arm around Finn's shoulder, scanning the crowd of students. No Ben. "If he texts me, I'll just text him back gifs that explain exactly what I think of him."

"And what exactly is that?" Finn asks.

Rey shrugs. Finn doubts she knows.

"You go, girl," Poe says, clapping Rey on the back.

"Are you going to this welcome back dance?" Rey asks.

"Are we?" Poe questions, looking to Finn, who shrugs.

"Why not?"

"You'll see." Poe laughs. "Everyone who had the opportunity to get alcohol over break will definitely have it, and they will definitely be drunk as shit."

"Chill," Rey says. "I was in an old folks' home. I had no such opportunities. I learned my lesson from the last time, and I doubt Ben will ever ask me to stargaze with him again."

"He _what?_ _You_ what?" Poe goggles at her. Rey smirks.

Finn snorts. It's not that he's against drinking. He's just trying to toe the line carefully. Although, he might not want rum ever again.

Sure enough, come Friday, Finn can hear Hux and Mitaka getting sloshed in the bathroom. Not that Mitaka is his roommate anymore. After the debacle at the end of last semester, Threepio switched Mitaka out with a boy named Brance, who's nice if bland.

"Excuse me," Finn says as he enters the bathroom.

"Ooh, look at it," giggles Mitaka, waving around a cup of what looks like vodka. " _Scary_ alcohol."

"Go fuck yourself," Finn tells him.

Ben enters the bathroom, glancing at all of them as if asking whether he needs to get involved.

"No fighting," Finn promises as he glances in the mirror, straightening his shirt.

"Want some?" Hux posits to Ben. "Or are you afraid of getting suspended again?"

Ben grabs the bottle and pours some directly into his mouth. Finn cringes.

"Hey, you're not still contagious, are you?" Hux slurs.

 _How on earth are they going to go to the dance if they're already this hammered?_ Finn wonders.

"Contagious?" Mitaka echoes.

"I had a cold," Ben snaps, shoving the bottle back at Hux.

"Are you going to the dance?" Finn asks.

Ben shakes his head and disappears into his cave of a room.

* * *

"Kinda lame, isn't it?" Rey asks Beebee-Ate.

"Not for them," Beebee-Ate responds, nodding to Poe and Finn, who both dance and dance well.

Rey smirks. "True. I might go back to dorm, though."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Rey waves as she slips out into the night. She tromps past Yavin 4 and notices a tall figure slumped on a bench.

"Hey," Ben calls out to her. "Not dancing?"

Rey approaches him, the frigid wind slapping at her face. "Why are you sitting out here in the cold?"

"I'm thinking." Rey notices a bottle clutched in Ben's hand. An _empty_ bottle.

"You're _drinking_."

Ben snorts. "No, I'm _thinking_. About what to change my name too. And Hux's gonna be pissed when he sees I took his vodka. Fuck if that matters."

Rey's jaw drops. Ben is way drunker that she was that night on the quad. "How much of that bottle did you have?" she asks, sliding onto the bench next to him and prying the bottle out of his hands. She conceals it behind her hips.

"Too much," he admits, groaning and leaning forwards. "What d'you think of Kylo Ren?"

"What the what?"

"Kylo Ren. For my new name. Once I graduate."

"I think it's a stupid ass name," Rey informs him. "Ben Solo is much better."

"My grandfather changed his name. He didn't want to be 'ssociated with Skywalker. And I don't want to be asso—sosh—whatever. With Solo. Or Skywalker."

"Well, I think that makes your grandfather an asshat," Rey snaps. "Having a name with no meaning, no relatives to tie it too, isn't all you're cracking it up to be." She shivers.

"You're cold. You should go," he mumbles, lifting his head and immediately dropping it back down.

Rey reaches out and grips his shoulder. His black leather jacket surely can't be keeping him very warm. "It's cold out, Ben. It's like freezing."

"Vodka helped. With that." He shudders, and Rey grabs his gloveless hands.

"You're gonna get frostbite," she warns, rubbing his fingers.

"I don't care." Ben looks at her. "You think I'm some privileged, stupid, whiny emo brat, don't you?"

"Aren't you?" Rey retorts, even though she knows the answer. _Yes, but there's more._

He looks at her, his breaths coming quick and shaky, sending puffs of frosted air from his lips. "Maybe."

"To be honest, Ben, that wouldn't matter. What matters to me is that you lied, and that lie hurt Finn, who's my _friend_. And then you didn't have the decency to talk to me about it."

"I'm _sorry_." And he leans over and hurls.

"Oh, shit." Rey grabs his hair, pulling it back from his face as he heaves.

"Why're you helping me?" he asks, sounding like a vulnerable child, like Rey always sounded in her head when she asked herself, over and over again, why no one came for her, whether anyone would help her.

"You're not a monster. And you helped me, remember? When I got drunk?"

"Because of _me_ ," Ben says. "I'm a screw up who screws up other people. I'm bad news. I'm a bad egg."

Rey laughs. "You wish." Her laugh stops on her lips though when she sees Ben trembling. "Are you going to puke again?"

"Maybe. I wish." He covers his face, moaning.

"Do you really hate yourself that much?" Rey queries.

He slides his hands away and looks at her, mouth open and tears in his eyes.

" _Why?" You have everything,_ she thinks. _A family. Parents who adore you. A great education. Why?_

"D'you know why I lied for Mitaka?" Ben asks. "It was 'cause Hux… Hux wanted me too. And Hux is keeping a secret for me." He gasps and squeezes his fists together, so tight Rey hears his knuckles popping.

"What secret?" Rey ventures.

"Hux saw some papers… a brochure. Medical stuff. On my bed. I didn't think he was going to see it but he did." Ben covers his mouth and retches again.

"Hey, that's not going to work," Rey says, prying his fingers away from his lips as Ben doubles over and throws up again.

"Sorry," he gasps.

"It's okay—"

"No, it isn't." He looks at her. "Hux knows that I have—I had, I'm fine now, I'm fine—I had an STD earlier this year."

Rey's mouth opens in a small _o_. _"Oh._ My God."

"I didn't mean to get it. It was treatable. I'm _cured_ now." He rocks back and forth and then cackles. "'Cept, not really. I can't. I'm—I can't—" He laughs, and it's wild and unhinged, the laugh of a madman teetering on a cliff. "Ackbar was so right."

"Ben—"

"Snoke gave it to me."

"What?" Ice coats Rey's heart, her stomach. " _What?"_

Ben looks into her eyes again, and she sees the same shame, the same terror and confusion, the guilt and the fury and the fear, that she sees staring back at herself in the mirror every morning. "Oh my God. _Ben_."

"He's been making me do it for years, until recently, and I can't stop him, Rey. You're brave. You ran away. You tried to protect yourself and I just—I just—I let him—" Ben grabs the bottle from behind her waist and hits himself in the knee with it.

"Stop!" Rey yanks it away.

"He helped me, too, so I let him because I figured it was a fair trade, you know? Him helping me… me helping him. I'm so stupid. And now he doesn't want me anymore, and I can't blame him, and I hate him but I don't know what to do without him, Rey."

She can't speak. Words Rey wishes people had said to her freeze in her throat.

"I shouldn't have told you," he mutters. "I'm _fucked_."

"You should tell your uncle."

"I can't." He reaches out and grabs her arm, eyeliner smeared across his face so that he looks like a raccoon. "Please don't, Rey. _Please_ don't."

"I won't tell anyone," she promises, because she knows exactly how he feels.

"I'm sorry," he pleads. "For what I did to Finn."

"It's okay," Rey reassures him. "I don't—what Snoke—" That _bastard_. Rey could kill him. "It's not your fault." She needs him to believe it, because she needs someone else to acknowledge it because she doesn't want to believe what Unkar did to her was her fault either.

He shakes his head. "It was."

Rey pulls him closer to her, resting her head on his shoulder. She feels his forehead drop against hers, feels the warmth of his body and his tears against her neck.

"Hey, what's going on here?"

Rey jerks away from Ben to see Finn, Poe, and Beebee-Ate all smirking. "Well," Poe drawls.

"Can you help him into dorm?" Rey asks. "He's drunk."

Ben looks at her and she nods to reassure him that she won't say anything.

But she might _do_ something.

"Sure thing." Poe reaches for Ben, hauling him up.

"Thanks," Ben mumbles.

"I'll text you," Rey calls after them. Finn tosses her a saucy look.

"So I have an idea for our senior prank," Rey tells Jess the next morning.

* * *

"You ready for this?" Poe asks, three cartons of eggs under his arm.

"Hells yes," Finn responds, winking at Rey.

"We avoid Mr. Skywalker," Rey reminds them. "I don't want to spend my afternoon cleaning up eggs."

"Deal," Jess agrees.

Beebee-Ate is practically shaking from excitement. He's the only freshman in a group of well over a dozen seniors. Even Phasma signed up to participate.

"And go," Poe commands as the clock strikes six in the morning.

Rey darts towards the quad, where all the students lob eggs at the classroom doors that are locked and clobber the classrooms that are unfortunate enough to be open.

"Come on!" Finn hurries inside, down the hallway, and Rey follows. "Take that, Snoke!" Finn snarls as he hurls eggs at the principal's door.

Rey unleashes an entire carton at it. _You son of a bitch_.

Shouts erupt. _The security guards._

"Run!" Rey squeaks, flying down the steps and hurtling back towards Jakku, where she, Jess, and two other girls climb the gate.

By the time she arrives to breakfast, the teachers and staff all glower at the seniors, who all look innocent. Except, that is, for Phasma, who can't contain a grin. Hux rolls his eyes, and Phasma looks chagrined.

Rey carries her tray past the table Ben huddles at, headphones in. She rolls her eyes and plunks her tray down.

He looks up at her, and instead of cowering with embarrassment, he smiles at her. "I know what you did."

"Good luck to him getting the smell out. I made sure those eggs were expired," Rey admits. "But don't tell anyone." She swallows. "You're welcome to eat with us, you know."

Ben glances over his shoulder, at the table with Poe, Finn, Beebee-Ate, Snap, Jess, and Brance. He shakes his head. "Not this time."

"So maybe another time?"

"Maybe."

She heads towards her friends, and when she sits down, she sees Ben glancing back at her and grinning.


	14. Chocolate Hearts

"Open it!" Rey grips Finn's shoulder as he tears the envelope.

"I got in!" he whoops.

"Yes!" Poe high-fives him.

"I'm sure your letter will come any day," Finn reassures Rey.

She smirks. "I'm not worried."

"Now we'll just have to see whether I can afford this school," Finn mumbles, scanning the letter. He won't find out about financial aid for at least another month. And he really wants to go. Poe's going to the same school, Rey might be too, it's only an hour away from where Lando lives.

 _We'll make it work, kid_ , Lando had assured him when Finn called to check in over the weekend, as he's been trying to do regularly this semester. _Wherever you get in._

"I'm sure it will work out," Rey says as Ben walks by their open door. She waves. He doesn't respond.

"He's been acting weird all semester. Quieter weird," Finn comments. "Which is good for my sanity."

Rey nods, her eyes drifting towards the door to the bathroom.

"So," Poe says. "We should celebrate."

"How?" Finn asks.

"I was saving this for Valentine's Day next week, _but_ …"

"No, save it for then!" Finn interrupts.

"Oh. Okay." Poe grins.

"What are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" Rey questions, leaning back against Finn's bed. "Or do I want even to know?"

"You may want to, but you don't get to," Poe says. "I'm planning this shit. Well, sort of. Beebee-Ate's helping."

"Hey, why not me?" Rey makes a wounded face.

"You're helping me," Finn interrupts. He whispers in Rey's ear, "Because I'm terrible at picking out gifts." Mostly because he never had anyone to give gifts to before.

"Done," Rey agrees. "Well, it will be. Done. After you tell me what you're thinking."

After texting back and forth with Rey for an hour after she leaves, though, Finn still feels stymied. The only thing he can think of to get Poe is a computer game he knows Poe wants, but that's not special enough. What can he get the boy who makes him feel wanted, who helped him realize that he's Finn and that's the best thing he can be?

 _Tbh Finn, Poe won't care. Get him the game. That + u will be enough, Rey_ finally texts.

Finn rolls his eyes. _Get some sleep._

What does _he_ really want from Poe? Finn knows, but he wonders how they can get there here on campus. He's nervous, but he wants it anyways.

Finn meanders into the bathroom, where he finds Ben spitting toothpaste into the sink.

"You get in?" Ben queries.

"Uh—yeah." Finn nods. "We'll see whether I can afford it, though. How about you? Heard from any schools yet?"

Ben shrugs.

 _Is that a no or a yes?_

"What do you want to study?" Ben asks.

"Not sure. I'll probably go in as undeclared." So will Poe, although he's leaning towards physics and long-term he confided in Finn that he wants to be a pilot. In order to work for a major airline, however, he needs a degree.

Ben nods.

"How about you?"

He shrugs. "Maybe poly-sci."

Finn cannot picture this kid, with his flowing black hair, draped in black ratty clothing, as a politician regardless of whom his mother is.

"Rey wants to study psychology," Finn says.

"Really?" Ben almost smiles. "She'd be good at that."

"Why're you avoiding her?" Finn presses. "Because you have her number, we saw you on that bench—you like her. You've got to make a move, man."

Ben hugs himself. "She… deserves better."

"Damn right," Finn agrees. "Way better than you."

He flinches.

"But what does she _want_?" Finn asks, knowing he's quoting Maz Kanata when he lamented something similar about Poe. "That's really the question that matters."

* * *

"Who sent me this?" Poe hears Hux's voice roar as he waits outside of Finn's room on Valentine's Day.

The ginger boy stumbles out of his room, holding a black mug filled with gummy bears and Nietzsche's _The Birth of Tragedy_.

"Was there a card?" Poe inquires, trying not to grin.

Hux tosses him a withering glare. "I just woke up and it was outside the door." He reads from what looks like a torn slip of gray construction paper. "'Dear Hux, don't have a mental collapse after reading this. Dionysos.'"

"What?"

"It's—never mind. Google it." Hux shakes his head.

" _Great_ ," Poe hears Ben commenting sarcastically. Apparently he understands the reference.

"You really don't know who sent that to you?" Poe asks, folding his hands behind his back and whistling, because he thinks it's fairly obvious.

"No!" Hux's nostrils flare. Clearly he does not like Poe knowing something he does not know.

"I won't spoil the surprise, then." Finn emerges and Poe kisses him. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

"You make me sick," Hux grouses.

Finn winks at Poe. "Phasma?" he asks under his breath.

Poe nods. "Phasma," he confirms.

Mr. San Tekka decides to talk about real life love stories in history class. Math class, on the other hand, does not move for love, which Poe finds fitting. He endures literature and music, where they at least sing love songs, before heading out for lunch. Poe paid Beebee-Ate to drop off small little gifts in Finn's locker between every class.

"So what are you and Finn doing tonight?" Rey asks, strolling alongside him.

"Eh…" Poe grins sheepishly. "We're going to the dance, but only for like an hour—"

"Hey!" Beebee-Ate jogs up to them. Behind him, Poe watches as Phasma keeps her head down as she stalks by Hux.

 _You utter idiot,_ Poe thinks.

Rey nods as she pauses by her locker, swinging it open. She lets out a gasp.

"What is it?" Beebee-Ate squeals.

Rey removes a shiny red heart, filled with chocolates. _Fancy_ chocolates.

"Oh my God," Poe says.

Rey flips open the slip of paper attached to it. "'Roses and red, violets are blue…'" She starts to laugh. "'I like chocolate, I hope you do too.'"

"No way!" Poe grabs it. "Let me see!"

"Ben needs to work on his poetry skills," Beebee-Ate remarks.

Poe laughs. "It's _got_ to be from him."

Rey glances over her shoulder and sees Ben hurrying across the quad, face lowered probably to disguise the fact that it's as red as the cellophane wrapped around the chocolate box.

* * *

After school, Rey determines to track Ben down and thank him. He wouldn't look at her in any of her classes, and she's had it with his attitude.

She checks her mailbox first and finds a letter from the same college Finn and Poe applied to. Her heart skips as she tears it open.

 _Congratulations, you've been accepted…_

"Yes!" Rey shrieks, throwing her fist in the air.

"Accepted?" drawls Phasma, who sits on a stone bench.

"Yes!" Rey grins, and then frowns. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Fine."

Rey sighs and folds the letter, shoving it back in the envelope. She'll text Finn, Poe, and Jess later. She drops onto the bench next to Phasma. "What's going on?"

"Do you promise not to laugh?"

Rey nods. "I promise."

"I snuck out of my dorm last night to give Hux a secret gift… and he hasn't mentioned it. I mean, I know it was a secret, but I also—I wish—I mean I kind of—"

"Hoped he would realize it?" she finishes.

"Yeah." Phasma rolls her eyes and tilts her head back, the surprisingly strong winter sun bathing her face. "Whatever."

"You should tell him," Rey encourages.

"You should talk to _your_ secret admirer," Phasma corrects, narrowing her eyes at Rey.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rey says as she climbs to her feet. But she winks over her shoulder, and Phasma actually smiles back.

Rey grabs her heart of chocolates and heads to Yavin 4, but Snap tells her Ben's not there. Rey trudges across campus, searching until she finds him sitting on a tree stump near the edge of campus and reading _Henry IV_.

"Hey!" she calls, waving her chocolate heart around.

His face turns bright red. Rey grins as she drops onto the half-frozen grass. "I need help eating my chocolates."

"Oh?" He looks at her, eyes squinting.

"Thank you for them, by the way," Rey adds.

He nods. "Sorry about the poem—it was three am and I—"

Rey pries the lid off. "Here. Pick one."

"They're yours," he mutters.

"Eat one!" Rey orders, reaching out and grabbing one. "Mm. Orange cream. They're delicious." She shakes the box. "Pick one now, Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, whoever you are."

Ben smirks and takes a dark chocolate truffle. "Thank you."

"I got into the same college as Poe and Finn," Rey announces. "My letter came today."

"Really?" His eyes widen. "Congratulations, Rey!" He moves as if to hug her and stops.

 _Oh, come on._ Rey wraps her arms around him. "Thanks." She pulls away and takes another chocolate. "Have you heard from any colleges?"

"Um—" He finishes the truffle and Rey shoves the box back into his face. Snickering, he takes another one. "Yeah. Yeah, I heard from a few."

" _And?"_

"I got into them," he mumbles. "Including the two Ivy Leagues."

"Are you serious?" Rey shrieks. "Congratulations to you! Why haven't you said anything?"

His ears pink. "I didn't know anyone would care."

"I'm sure your family's proud."

Ben's smile disappears. "I haven't told them."

Rey takes a third chocolate, white chocolate with peppermint. "Why not?"

"They're busy. My mom had this deposition thing and it went well enough, but my dad feels bad and they're fighting. And because… because I'm not sure I want to go." He looks into her eyes, and Rey realizes their eyes are similar colors. His are browner, but there's still green glistening through, and she feels like she's looking in a mirror. "Snoke wrote those recommendations."

Rey nods, the chocolate stalling in her mouth. "I understand. If Unkar Plutt had ever done something like that… I don't know if I could."

"I don't know what to tell them. Don't say the truth. I can't do that." Ben wraps his arms around his knees. "But there are really no schools he didn't write me a recommendation for, and I've missed the deadlines for all the others places I could apply. Not that I'd ever get anyone else to write one for me, because I've succeeded in pissing off every single other teacher here. I've really screwed myself over, Rey."

"How about taking a gap year?" Rey suggests. "I thought about it. I don't think I'm going to, now, but it's not a bad idea."

"My parents would never allow it."

Rey tears up a few springs of dead grass. "I'm not sure you're right about that. I mean I know you know them way better than I do, but don't you think your ideas about them might be a little warped? I know Snoke hated them, so…"

Ben shrugs. "Maybe. I can't find out, though."

She waits to see if he'll elaborate. He doesn't. "Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to one of those prestigious schools?"

Ben looks at her. "I should."

"But _do you want to?"_

A smile starts to creep over his lips. "Finn told me you want to study psychology. You'll be a good therapist."

"Really?" Rey's face flushes as she bites into a caramel. "Oh, this one's good."

He laughs.

"You should be able to make your own choices," Rey says. "About what you want to do with your life. It's _your_ life, after all. About where you want to go to school, when, and what you want to study. Don't tell me you're still thinking about studying whatever you think your parents want you to study, or Snoke."

"Not Snoke," Ben says quickly. "But maybe poly-sci… I don't know what else to study."

Rey picks out another caramel and places it into Ben's palm. "What subjects are your favorites?"

"Literature… math. History." He grins. "A lot of subjects."

"A gap year might help you think about it. Give you the space and time."

"Maybe."

"Make your own choices," Rey encourages. "You're your own person. You're not Snoke's pet, and you're not your parents' either. You don't have to do exactly what they want."

"That's pretty funny coming from the girl who's demanding I eat her chocolate," he teases.

"Well then," Rey says, pulling the box away from him. "If you insist."

"Never mind." He grabs another one and she snorts.

"Want to hear what your poem almost was?" he questions, tossing his black hair.

"Do I?" Rey wonders.

"'Roses are red, violets are blue, you're a Rey of sunshine, and I like you.'"

Rey closes the chocolate box and laughs. "It's cute."

"It's terrible."

"Those aren't mutually exclusive." Rey grins at him, and her gaze freezes on his lips, which are way too full for any man.

She reaches up and pulls his head down, pecking him on the lips.

Ben's eyes are wide when she pulls away. "You like me?"

"Maybe. A little. Somewhat. You're tolerable." Rey shoves him. "Yes, Ben, I like you."

He hand cups her around the back of her head as he pulls her closer, and then his lips are on hers and his mouth opens, and she opens hers, and her hands are digging through his hair and his hand is strong against her back. He moans her name and she forgets to breath.

"No PDA!"

 _Oh shit_. Rey pulls away. _I know that voice._

"Ben? Rey?" Mr. Skywalker's jaw hovers open.

"Um," Rey stammers. "Hi."

"No PDA," Mr. Skywalker repeats as he quirks an eyebrow up. He nods at his nephew, who hunches his shoulders but clutches Rey's hand.

"Finn and Poe are going to that banquet and dance thing," Rey says to Ben as Mr. Skywalker walks away. "You finally willing to eat dinner with me?"

He nods. "Yeah."

* * *

"Let's get out of here," Finn says to Poe as they watch their classmates dance. Snap came with Jess, although both of them insist it's platonic.

"Fine by me," Poe agrees.

"Come on." They head back to Yavin 4, Finn noticing how perfectly styled Poe's hair is, how stunning he looks in his dark blue suit, despite his shirt being slightly too small.

They're barely back in Poe's dorm room when Finn closes the door, kissing Poe with the same fire that they kissed with back on New Year's. Poe melts into Finn's touch, hands roving up and down Finn's torso.

And then recklessness and the delirious sense of freefalling overtakes Finn. His hands land on Poe's belt. His fingers fumble to unbuckle it.

Poe pulls away, gasping. "Are you sure?" He searches Finn's eyes, looking for any sign of a _no_ or a _yes._

"They won't be back for at least another hour," Finn points out. His heart pounds, but it's not like New Year's, when his body wanted to, Poe wanted to, and Finn's mind couldn't quite make that leap. This time, his palms ache and he wants to for Poe and for himself, because he knows Poe loves him, Poe won't make fun of him. It's a risk worth taking.

"No, they won't," Poe agrees, shrugging out of his jacket.

"Can we take it slow?" Finn requests as he sits on the bed. Poe leans in.

"Of course." He kind of laughs. "To be honest, Finn, this is only my second time. I have—I mean, I might not be—very good either."

 _He's nervous, too_. Finn cups the side of Poe's face, feeling the stubble on his cheek. "That's okay."

Poe covers Finn's mouth with his, their kisses building with an intensity their mouths aren't going to be able to satisfy. Poe lifts up Finn's shirt, and Finn copies Poe.

Poe hesitates, his fingers tracing Finn's collarbone, his sternum. "God, you're built," he says, and Finn can't help but laugh. "I'm not so much."

 _Is he insecure?_ "Poe," Finn scoffs. "You're—why would you say that?" He presses his lips against the nape of Poe's neck.

"Do you want to be on top?" Poe asks. "Like, if I tell you how to—like whether to go faster or slower or—"

"Okay." Poe lies back, and Finn climbs over him.

Poe's arms wrap around Finn's neck, pulling him closer as he rolls his hips and Poe mirrors his movements. A groan seeps through Poe's lips as Finn's fingers dig into his shoulders. "Slower," Poe pants, grinding against Finn, his mouth open and lips curving up as they work together. His eyes take in Finn's face, and Finn remembers Poe kissing him for the first time, sending Rey to chase him down when Finn ran away, telling Finn he believed him at the tournament and leaving no room for doubts in Finn's mind.

Poe gasps and arches his head back, panting as he looks at Finn with his mouth open, limbs trembling as Finn holds him tighter, feelings and memories and fire rushing through them both. When the sensation subsides, Finn rolls off Poe, who presses his head against Finn's neck as they wait for their breathing to return to normal.

Finn doesn't know what to say, but he knows Poe won't care whether it's perfect or not. "Happy Valentine's Day."


	15. Unwelcome Surprises

Ben might hate his roommate, but when Hux comes back from wherever he went on Valentine's Day puking his guts out, Ben actually takes his arm and guides him into the bathroom.

"What are you smiling about?" Hux groans, a sheen of sweat over his face before he leans over the toilet.

"Nothing." Ben's mind dances back to the moments he and Rey made out in the woods. He hadn't expected his silly gift to actually start something. Hoped, maybe, but expected, no.

"What's going on?" Finn sticks his head through the doorway, sweat also glistening on his face—except, unlike Hux, he's beaming.

Ben points to Hux.

"Oh." Finn shrugs. "Good luck."

"I'm sorry," Hux gasps.

"For being sick?" Ben snorts.

"No." Hux looks at him, eyes bloodshot and hair plastered to his forehead. "Neve—mind."

"Did you get with Phasma?"

"Go _away_."

Ben obeys, taking that as a _no_.

The next morning, Rey takes his hand in the cafeteria and leads him to the table she usually sits at, with all her friends. "Do you want to sit with them? We can eat alone, if you want."

"No," Ben says. "Let's get to know your friends."

Poe, Finn, and that freshman Beebee-Ate treat Ben as if he's one of them. Jess and Snap are a little more hesitant, but Jess at least voices her approval of the chocolate gift.

As literature class rolls around, Ben notices Mitaka tittering as he types on his laptop when they're supposed to be analyzing Prince Hal's opening monologue in _Henry IV Part 1_. Ben's already finished it and plans to borrow Part 2, even though it won't be required.

He wants to know if Hal reconciles with his father.

He wants to know if Hal earns back respect.

"It's a good story," Rey says as she asks him to proofread her analysis after school. "I like it."

"I kind of relate to Hal."

"Really?" She closes her book and peers at him. "What exactly is between you and your parents anyways?"

"It's a long story. Nothing, really. Just… Snoke messing with my mind. And in some respects what Snoke says is true. My father's a criminal, or he was."

"And you're a jerk, or you were," Rey points out.

"True. But… they sent me away, Rey. Your mother left you too—I know it's not the same thing, mine were trying to do what's best for me and in all fairness my dad wasn't happy with it either, and I wanted to go in… most ways. But I needed them, and they weren't there." He traces the edge of the table in the library. "I felt abandoned."

Rey nods, her brow creasing. "Even with your uncle here?"

"He's my uncle. He's the Dean. He's not my father, or my mother." Ben draws in a breath. "And I was so afraid of failing them, of letting my mother down, and Snoke told me more things about my father—I knew about his past, but not all of it—and about my grandfather and what a great man he was, and all. I mean, my father didn't stop smuggling drugs until I was five or six, apparently. He deceived my mother, and me. She forgave him, but…" He sighs.

"So you resent him for that?"

"Yeah. And—Rey—you know how the reports leaked over the summer? About my father?"

"Yeah?" she answers, biting her lip as if expecting what he's going to say.

Ben stares at her, hoping she won't turn away. "I leaked them. Snoke hinted I should. He said it was best for my mother. That it was the right thing to do."

"Snoke is a snake and a pervert and a pedophile," Rey retorts. "Can't you see he basically brainwashed you?"

"Maybe. But not entirely. My parents are flawed people, Rey."

"Aren't we all."

"Yeah, but they haven't—I don't know if I leaked that because Snoke wanted me to, or because I was angry and wanted to get back at them, Rey. I really don't know. And I can never tell them."

Rey opens her mouth, but Phasma passes by and shakes her head. "What was that about?" Rey asks as she watches the girl saunter away.

"Maybe they all think you deserve better?"

"Oh, bah." Rey rolls her eyes. "Analyze. Help me."

When Ben goes to sleep, he dreams of his father fighting in a muddy field, and Ben could save him, but instead a sword pierces his father's chest, and as Ben looks up into the face of the killer, he sees Snoke.

The next morning, Rey tracks him down. "I know you're a grump before you've had coffee, but Poe and I need your help."

"What?"

"Finn's birthday's in a week. We want to throw him a surprise party—just a little thing, with friends and cake. Can you distract Finn when we need you to? Stage a fight with Hux or something?"

"Sure." Ben takes a sip of coffee. His mood lifts.

Mitaka passes by them and laughs.

"What the hell is your problem?" Rey demands.

Mitaka spins around. "Well, I guess we know where Ben got it from."

"What are you talking about?" she snaps as Ben stiffens.

"Um—" Snap leaps to his feet. "Rey, I think—"

"Give it a rest, Mitaka," Hux growls.

 _I'm sorry._

Everything clicks in Ben's mind. _Oh no oh no oh no oh—no—no—_

"The clap?" Mitaka prompts. "That Ben—"

Ben sends his fist smashing into Mitaka's fast. The other boy topples over, food and milk spraying everywhere. The cafeteria workers shout as Mitaka scrambles to his feet and lunges at Ben.

"Fuck off!" Rey kicks him in the belly before arms wrap around her, around Ben, and drag them apart.

"Calm down!" Artoo shrieks in Ben's ear as she pulls him away with surprising strength.

They all wind up in Uncle Luke's office, where the dean does not look happy to arrive at work to three milk-soaked students, one of whom is holding an ice pack to his face.

" _What_ ," Uncle Luke demands. "Happened?"

"I believe this can answer part of the question," Artoo interjects, pointing to something on her computer. Uncle Luke leans over to read it, his jaw dropping.

"What is that?" Ben leans forward, as does Rey. All he sees is a Facebook meme page with his yearbook photo from the past year and something about an STD.

 _Fuck_.

"Did you make that?" Rey shrieks at Mitaka. "You lying piece of—"

"Rey Kenobi!" Uncle Luke thunders. "Quiet." He looks at Mitaka. "Did you make this?"

"I heard it was true," the boy says quickly.

 _Fucking drunk Hux_. "Well, it's not," Ben insists, looking at Mitaka and then straight into his uncle's eyes. "That's a _lie_."

Uncle Luke nods. "I believe you."

Ben isn't sure whether he's relieved or deflated. He can't let his uncle know, but he wishes someone besides Rey would call him on his bullshit. She takes his hand, and he reminds himself that she knows, and she doesn't think he's trash.

"I'll go talk to Mr. Snoke," Uncle Luke declares, swishing out of the office and leaving Artoo to peer at Ben and Rey with sympathy.

In the end, Uncle Luke and Snoke meet with each of them separately. Mitaka storms out in tears, and they call Rey in next. When she leaves Snoke's office, she gives Ben a thumbs-up.

"So," Mr. Snoke drawls as Ben takes a seat in front of Uncle Luke and Artoo. "You didn't know about this Facebook meme until this morning?"

Ben shakes his head.

"Mitaka has been suspended for a week, on account of vicious bullying," Uncle Luke puts in.

"You and Rey are being let off with a warning," Mr. Snoke says. "Especially given your indiscretions earlier this semester, Mr. Solo, I wouldn't put another toe out of line, no matter how provoked you might feel."

"Okay," Ben agrees, his face still burning because he just wants out of Snoke's presence—he can't be here, not one more second.

"Luke, Artoo, may I have a word privately with Mr. Solo," Snoke requests, and Ben wants to scream at them as his uncle nods and rises. _Come back!_

The moment the door shuts, Snoke glowers at him. "I cannot believe you were so stupid as to let that ignorant fool find out."

"It wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't tell anyone," Ben says quickly. Which, technically, is a lie. He told Rey. But he didn't tell Mitaka, or even Hux. "My roommate saw the brochures they gave me. I hid them after."

"Hm," Snoke muses. "It seems I was right earlier this year when I let you go. I _vastly_ overestimated your intelligence and your potential." His eyes glimmer, and the realization that Snoke despises him and has _always_ despised him sinks in. It curdles in Ben's stomach.

 _How could I have been so stupid_? "Why did you even take me on?" he demands.

"Because you _could_ have been something." Snoke rises. "But you're too much like your father." Snoke adjusts one of the portraits. "And, because your mother and I once worked together."

"What?"

"I was on the verge of being appointed as a diplomat, didn't you know? I could have ruined your mother. Out of respect to your grandfather, to my old friend Palpatine, I kept quiet about your father and his nefarious activities."

"But you—"

"You made your own choices, Ben."

 _No,_ Ben tries to remember. _That's a lie._ It's not, and it is. He made his own choices, but Snoke's been pulling the strings.

"And I got you into college. Be grateful. Your grades alone, given this year, couldn't have done that. You should be grateful."

 _No_. Ben squeezes his eyes shut and then snaps them open and glowers at the principal. _I hate you_.

"Get out," Snoke orders, and Ben scrambles out the door.

"Ben," Uncle Luke says, because apparently he and Artoo have been waiting for him. He grabs his nephew's shoulder and looks into Ben's eyes, for once with no distaste or frustration. "Are you okay?"

Ben nods. "I'm fine."

"If anyone else bullies you, tell me," Uncle Luke commands, squeezing Ben's shoulder.

Ben swallows. "Please don't tell my parents. If it's just a warning, you don't need to, do you?"

"You're not really in trouble, so no," Uncle Luke confirms with a sigh. "But Ben, I think they'd want to know. You didn't do anything wrong—well, punching Mitaka was wrong. But they'd want to support you."

Ben shakes his head. "I can't. I don't want them to know. It's embarrassing."

"But it's not true," Artoo says.

"It doesn't _need_ to be true to be embarrassing," Ben shoots back.

"True," Uncle Luke acknowledges. "All right. I won't tell them." And then he pulls Ben in for a hug, something he hasn't given Ben since he was twelve. Ben's not sure who's more shocked: himself, or his uncle, that Ben doesn't pull away.

* * *

On Finn's birthday, Rey works quickly in Mr. Skywalker's office, editing and filing in order to leave early. Ben promised to distract Finn and keep him in his dorm room until she's there.

"Working hard?" The voice rasps through the air, settling like dust on Rey's back. She wants to wipe it away.

"Just some filing," Rey answers Mr. Snoke, keeping her back to him. "Artoo asked me to finish while she runs to the library, so I can leave early—it's my friend's birthday—"

"How is your internship with Mr. Skywalker going?" Mr. Snoke inquires, stepping in.

"Fine. It's going fine," Rey answers, finishing and standing up to glare at him. She won't let him see how much she hates him, but a little spark of her anger can't hurt.

"His last mentee he let down terribly."

"If you're talking about Ben—"

Mr. Snoke shrugs. "How much has he told you about your grandfather?"

"A lot," Rey answers, even though that's more or less a lie.

"Hm." Mr. Snoke can't even mask his surprise. His eyes run up and down her torso, her legs, and Rey wants to scream. "Let me know if you ever want to know anything else."

He leaves, and Rey wilts in relief.

 _If he comes back, I'll stop him,_ Rey thinks.

 _What if you can't?_

Rey grips her knees. It's not as if she can say to Mr. Skywalker or Artoo that Mr. Snoke came in and asked her about her internship and her grandfather and creeped her out. They won't believe her with no concrete reasoning, and she can't reveal Ben's secret. Rey remembers moments when her caseworker discussed her case, when a judge discussed her case and how she wanted to plug her fingers in her ears and scream at them to stop, nobody had the right to know.

Artoo comes back and lets her go, and Rey hightails it over to Yavin 4.

"Hey-ho, Rey!" Poe calls, giving her a grin. "I think we're ready."

"Do you have enough condoms for tonight?" she teases.

Poe's jaw drops. "How did you know?"

"Because I saw Finn buying them the other day, dummy." She jabs him with her elbow and Poe shrugs.

"We love each other."

"No judging here."

"Let me know if you need to borrow one," Poe tells her with a sly grin.

"Hey!"

Poe grows serious. "And, for the record, Rey, none of us believed that stupid rumor about Ben. That was really low of Mitaka."

"Yeah," Rey agrees.

"Ben's not half-bad," Poe says.

"I wasn't looking for your blessing."

"You have it anyways." Poe winks.

They disappear inside Poe's room, where a chocolate cake waits with Jess, Snap, Beebee-Ate, and even Brance.

Finn finally opens the door, shaking his head, and gapes at them all.

"Happy Birthday!" Rey shouts with everyone else. Ben appears behind Finn.

"You were distracting me!" Finn accuses.

Ben smirks.

"Blow out your candles before Threepio catches us!" Snap urges.

Everyone laughs and eats cake. Ben takes her hand, and Rey wonders what it would be like to invite someone into that part of her, to ask for it, to move her body under someone else's and look in their eyes and know that they love her.

 _Does Ben love me?_ She thinks so. But that doesn't change anything. They're both still trapped.

What if she and Ben can never exorcise their demons? What if she never gets to find out?

Rey squeezes Ben's hand and tries to chase the nagging thoughts from her brain, but she can't. _You, me—what if we're going to drown?_


	16. Breaking

"Did your dad say yes?" Finn asks at dinner a few weeks later.

Poe nods. "He did." He grins, but he knows his eyes give him away. Finn takes his hand, rubbing Poe's knuckles with his thumb.

"Now you just have to ask _your_ parents," Rey says to Ben.

"Tonight," he promises.

Rey decided to spend her spring break volunteering again, and Finn convinced Lando to let him join as well. Poe called his dad to ask for permission, and his dad seemed totally blissful about it. Which was not the response Poe was looking for. _Beg me to come home, Dad,_ he wanted to plead. _Please_.

"Have fun," Dad said. "I'll miss you."

But there was nothing in his tone to suggest he actually would. Poe wonders if his father is even capable of feeling anymore, or had if that ability, if his love for Poe, was buried with his wife, with Poe's mother.

"So, over-under of Hux asking Phasma to prom?" Finn says, changing the subkect as he watches his neighbor stumble into the cafeteria, hung-over and scowling. Poe casts his boyfriend a grateful look.

"Minimal. Hux wouldn't acknowledge a crush if it slapped him in the face," Ben comments.

"Phasma might just do that," Rey jokes, but she frowns as she watches the large girl peer after Hux.

"I can solve this one real quick," Poe says quickly. He stands up and marches over to Hux, not even caring. Since Mitaka came back from his suspension, Hux has been avoiding his former friend, and honestly Poe thinks the kid's better for it.

"So," Poe says, planting his hands down on the table. "When are you going to ask Phasma to prom?"

"What are you talking about?" Hux demands, his jaw bobbling. "I can't believe you—"

"As if I'd even want to go with him," Phasma's voice cuts in. She scowls at Hux, at Poe, before stalking off.

 _Well, that failed,_ Poe thinks to himself.

"Told you it was hopeless," Ben says smugly.

"I will throw this water in your face," Poe threatens. "And ruin all your mascara."

"It's _eyeliner_."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Rey isn't letting you wear that to prom, is she?"

"He can wear whatever he likes," Rey says softly. "As it is, I'm certainly not going to be all fancy. We'll just be… the trashy prom king and queen."

Ben smiles at her.

Poe exchanges a glance with Finn. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" he mutters.

Finn nods.

That night, Poe sends out a group text to Finn, Jess, Snap, Beebee-Ate, and Ben _. I know Rey's birthday is the day before prom, and that she doesn't want a party._ Actually, her precise words, Poe remembers, were "I will kill you if you throw me a party." _So I was thinking we can spruce up her prom experience instead._ _Like we can buy her gifts like getting her nails & hair done, and a dress. _

_Done,_ Jess texts. _I'll show her some dresses online & say they're for me. I'll find out what she likes._

 _I'm in,_ Finn texts.

 _Yes!_ Beebee-Ate replies, his words accompanied by a dozen grinning emojis.

Ben texts Poe privately: _thanks_.

 _No problem, buddy,_ Poe texts him back.

* * *

"Absolutely not," Mom says. "I want to _see_ you, Ben!"

"But all my friends are going!"

"I don't give a damn."

 _Of course you don't. You never do_.

And so Ben winds up kissing Rey goodbye before spring break. "Have fun."

"I'll text you," she promises. "And Ben—good luck."

He kisses her again before Rey climbs into a car with Poe and Finn. They drive away, leaving Ben watching them with a burning in his chest. If he had been able to go with them... Finn offered to let him borrow condoms, and Ben had laughed, because they had been dating only five or so weeks, and besides, why would Rey let him touch her? She knows about the STD, even if it was cured.

And yet each time she kisses him, he thinks she would let him, she would want him to. And he wants to. What Snoke took from him doesn't matter and can't compare to the way he thinks about Rey, how he feels about her, how he tries to imagine what it would be like to voluntarily strip in front of someone else, let her see how vulnerable he is because she would cherish him, not exploit him.

 _Someday,_ Ben hopes. In the meantime, he tries to shake off Snoke's words, the sensations that stalk Ben when all he wants to do is focus on Rey and the memory of how she smiles at him.

Dad arrives two hours later, and after dinner with Uncle Luke, Ben climbs into the car to ride back to his house. He closes his eyes and presses his face against the window, waiting for sleep to take him. Somehow, now that someone out there besides Snoke knows what he did to his father, he finds it harder than ever to face him.

 _I don't want to be this person anymore. But I don't know how to stop. How to change._ Ben picks at the skin on his arm.

"Ben!" Mom rushes out of the house behind a bounding Chewie, pulling him in for a hug.

They sit down to a meal that Mom clearly took out from some Italian place, but Ben doesn't mind.

"So kid," Dad asks. "Since you slept the entire way here. How's your last semester going?"

Ben stabs a piece of eggplant parmesan. "Fine. French is going better. Rey's tutoring me."

"Rey?" Mom questions. "Kenobi?"

"Yeah." Ben meets his mother's eyes and smiles. "She's my girlfriend, actually. We're dating. And we're going to prom together."

"Good for you," Han says. "Chewie liked that girl, so she's got to be all right."

Mom smiles.

 _Try_ , he urges himself.

But all he can think about when he looks at his father is sending that email to that reporter. All he can think of is what his parents will think if they knew what Snoke did to him, what Ben _let_ him do.

He can still feel Snoke's phantom fingers around his waist, feel his breath against Ben's ears. His stomach turns.

"How about college?" Dad ventures.

"You do need to send a deposit soon," Mom adds.

"I don't know." Ben sets his fork down with a clatter. "I don't really know what I want to study." And he doesn't want to be indebted to Snoke.

Mom cocks her head. "I thought you wanted to study biological engineering. Like my father."

"Maybe not."

"I thought it was political science," Dad says.

"Maybe not that either." Ben can't deny the appeal of Rey's suggestion: taking a gap year. But as he looks into his parents' eyes, just for the briefest of seconds in each, he can't tell them. "I'll decide soon."

The week drags on, Ben mostly cranking out schoolwork and texting Rey, but she's too busy to respond regularly and he's happy for her, but bleeding inside.

"Come on, Ben," Dad groans later on Thursday, after Ben's rejected the idea of going to a movie. "You don't want to do _anything_. I mean I'm glad you're taking your last semester seriously, but—"

"Yes, and I need to do well," Ben says. "And… make _decisions_."

"Do you want to talk about it? Colleges? We can maybe draw up a list of pros and cons for each place, together—"

" _No_ ," Ben snaps. Because he doesn't want to see the names of the schools Snoke got him into.

"Okay, kid. I'm just trying to help," Dad says, hands raised. "You should know your mother and I are very proud of you. Even with your—struggles—earlier this year, you've pulled together and done well. After Mr. Snoke—well, after that whole thing happened—we were concerned, but—"

"I don't want to talk about that!"

Chewie barks at Ben's rising tone.

"Don't yell, Ben. I'm just trying to help."

"Well, you _aren't_ helping."

"Ben," Mom admonishes, marching into the room. "That's no way to talk to your father—"

"Oh, shut up," Ben says, because he feels as if all his nerves have ignited, and he feels Snoke inside him even though he's not there, he feels the pain, he feels the shame creeping down his spine, and he can't _breathe_.

"Ben?"

"Leave me alone!" he snarls, pinching, grabbing anything to center him and trying to keep his mask on, keep his face as blank as can be so that they won't notice, they won't _realize_ —

"Enough of this!" Mom barks. "We're your parents, and you will respect—"

Ben throws back his head, his laugh tearing out a broken sound, cracked and shattering against himself, against his parents, against the walls. "Maybe you should earn my respect!"

Dad's face goes white with fury. "Excuse me?"

"You—" Ben points at his mother. "You never told me that you used to work with Snoke."

"How is that relevant?" she demands. "Did he—"

"And you," Ben says to his father. "You're nothing more than an old, washed-up _drug_ smuggler. You ruin everything around you. You ruined her career. You ruined your own life. You ruined—" He can't keep talking. Rage simmers, demanding to escape, but at the same time it's strangling him.

"Are you done?" Mom asks, her voice quiet and so, so furious.

"No," Ben says, because he's desperate and he wants them to fight _back_ , _dammit_ , he wants them to hate him, he wants them to resent him so then his fury is justified, so he can sleep at night without scratching at his palms and thinking about what a terrible person he is.

 _Because you_ are _a terrible person._

 _And sooner or later everyone's going to realize it. Even Rey._

"What else, Ben?" Mom demands, hands on her hips.

"You hate me," he insists.

"Why would you _say_ that?" Dad shouts.

"Because," Ben says, digging for the slimiest reason he can and throwing it out to watch it splatter black ink and hurt across his parents' faces. "Because I emailed that reporter this summer. To tell him about you being a smuggler. _I did that."_

Mom gasps, her hand flitting to cover her mouth. " _Ben_."

He glares at his father, defiant mask still on, cold and hateful, when inside he's a little boy crying in his room because he's afraid of going off to boarding school, he's a fourteen-year-old shaking and confused in his dorm room because of where Snoke touched him, he's a drunk teenager emailing a reporter because Snoke encouraged him and because he thinks it will impress Snoke, because he thinks it might be the right thing to do, because the latter is a reason conjured to disguise the former.

"You," Dad breathes, looking at him with his mouth open, desperation screaming from his eyes, and tears burn in Ben's own eyes, but he can't let them fall. " _Why?"_

He shakes his head, because he can't answer.

"Of all the—Ben, we've sacrificed so much for—"

 _Not what I wanted,_ Ben thinks. _Never what I needed_. He didn't need a fancy education or clothes or any of that.

He needed _them_.

And now it's too late.

"Why did you do it?" Dad demands, gasping as if Ben's physically stabbed him. His eyes light up. "Was it Snoke, did he make you—?"

The mention of that name again sends Ben's heart snapping against his ribs. _If you thought he was skeezy in any way, why didn't you protect me?_ "It wasn't Snoke! It was _me!_ Because I don't—because I don't—because you don't care about _—"_

" _We don't care about you?"_ Dad roars. "That is the biggest crock of bullshit that I've ever—"

"Fuck you!" Ben screams. _Press harder, dammit, press harder or let it go! Show me you care or that you don't!_

"Ben—" Dad tries.

"I wish you were dead," Ben says, and the moment the words leave his lips he feels like he's fallen into a deep, cold pit, spiraling with no bottom in sight.

Chewie growls and lunges at him, biting Ben in the arm. Ben yelps and jumps back, flattening himself against the wall and cowering, his arms raised to protect himself and blood dripping down his arm onto his forehead, and his father's suddenly at his side and Chewie's at his feet, and Dad's touching his cheekbone, looking at him with love Ben does not deserve, looking at him with a plea in his eyes, as if asking for forgiveness.

"I'll get some peroxide for that," Mom says, and Ben's never felt more ashamed in his life. He just told his father he wishes he was dead, his mother that he ruined her career, and his parents are _still_ taking care of him.

She comes back with a brown bottle of antiseptic and some cotton balls. She pries Ben's injured arm away from him, and Ben can't stop sobbing. Loudly. He hates it. He hates that now they'll know he needs them, but only because of his tears.

The antiseptic stings. _Good_.

"C'mere, kid," Dad says, hauling Ben to his feet when his mother's finished bandaging his arm. He half-carries Ben up the stairs to his room. "Lie down."

Ben obeys, still shaking. Mom comes with a glass of water.

"I'm sorry," he manages between wracking sobs.

" _Calm_ down."

He can't.

* * *

 _Oh, shit._

Ben's texts are disjointed, but Rey gets the basic idea.

 _If they were suspicious of Snoke, why didn't they intervene?_

Rey doesn't want to think of Han and Leia as being like her mother. _Did they try at all?_

 _Maybe. I don't think I listened. But they should have forced me to._

 _You're right._

 _I wish I hadn't said that._

 _You need to apologize,_ she texts.

 _I did. But they haven't forgotten. Why would they?_

Rey feels the sting of those words as if she experienced it herself. _It's not a rejection,_ she tries to tell herself. _Ben's parents still love him. They have to._

 _I'm scared, Rey. I don't know if I can control myself. I feel like Snoke's completely messed up my brain, or else I was just born this screwed up._

Rey bites her lip. _Ben, I really think you need to see Maz Kanata,_ she texts. _You don't even have to tell her about what happened to you. But she can help you figure out if something else is going on, something biological maybe._

 _Yes, Counselor Rey._

She snorts. _But will you do it?_

 _Yes._

She exhales. _I'm proud of you, too._

 _Why?_

 _Because this isn't who you're supposed to be, and you know it. & you're going to get help. _In some ways, he's braver than her in that respect. Rey still doesn't know who she's supposed to be.


	17. Midnight

"Hey, Rey," Mr. Skywalker says two weeks after spring break.

"Yeah?" Rey's come to dread her sessions with Mr. Skywalker, if only because Mr. Snoke keeps skulking about, finding excuses to slip into the office, and Rey isn't sure how to tell Ben that she thinks the principal is moving on to her. And she can't tell any adult without sounding paranoid.

"Come into my office for a moment, please?"

Rey shuffles in. Mr. Skywalker closes the door and she jumps.

"You all right?" Mr. Skywalker questions.

She nods.

Mr. Skywalker trudges over to his desk and fumbles with one of the drawers. "I understand it's your birthday tomorrow."

"Oh. Yeah."

"Ben told me," Mr. Skywalker adds. "I wanted to give you this." He holds out a small photo album, covered in blue suede.

Rey cracks it open to see photos of her grandfather, smiling and happy, photos of him interacting with students, giving kids way too old for it piggyback rides, a photo of him a young man with a sandy beard draping his arm around a tall boy with long, scraggly hair who bore more than a passing resemblance to Mr. Skywalker.

"That's my father," Mr. Skywalker says quietly.

Rey nods and flips through, finding more photos of him writing, of him smiling from behind an old desktop computer with a pregnant back. The last photo is of her grandfather grinning in front of the same principal's office Mr. Snoke now sits in, with what looks like a much younger, beardless Luke wearing a somewhat dopey smile, and a pretty girl with hair worn in what looks like cinnamon buns on the side of her head. _Ben's mother,_ she realizes.

"Thank you," Rey croaks out.

"It was Ben's idea," Mr. Skywalker admits. "I mean, I printed the photos and put them together. But it was his idea."

Rey smiles and wipes at her eyes.

"You can go for the afternoon," he dismisses her. "Have a great prom on Saturday."

She hurries down to Yavin 4 and bursts into Ben's dorm room, throwing her arms around him and kissing him.

"What's this for?" Ben squeaks. "Not that I'm complaining."

She snickers. "Your uncle gave me this. He told me it was your idea."

"It wasn't," Ben admits. "It was actually Finn's suggestion. I just told my uncle."

"Really?"

He nods, and Rey kisses him again. "Now I need to go thank Finn."

"Not in the same way!" Ben yells after her. She flips him off with a smile on her face.

* * *

"Happy Birthday!" Poe sings to Rey in the morning.

"Welcome to adulthood!" Finn holds up his palm for a high-five.

Rey turns pink. "Thanks, guys."

"Where is he?" Poe mutters to Finn.

"On his way," Finn hisses back.

"If you guys are discussing party plans, I will leave and never talk to you again," Rey threatens as she peels an orange.

"So how does it feel to be an adult?" Poe asks.

Rey stuffs an orange section in her mouth. "The same as ever?"

"Exactly," Finn agrees, drinking his chocolate milk.

"Ben's here!" Jess squeals from behind Rey.

Finn turns around to see Ben dashing over, a small gift bag— _black, of course it's black_ —although it does have some red—clutched in his hand.

"From all of us," Snap says.

"Oh come on, guys," Rey says, her face flushing again.

"You're excited," Poe declares, pointing his finger at her. "Don't even try to deny it."

"Happy Birthday, Rey," Ben says, handing her the bag.

Rey opens the flap of paper. "'Roses are red, violets are blue, we are your friends, and we all love you.' _Aw_."

"Poetry skills are still in the negative," Finn announces.

Ben shrugs, his eyes glued to Rey as she digs in and pulls out a gold, rectangular piece of cardstock. "Oh my God!"

"And just so you know," Jess drawls. "I'm going with you. We have appointments tomorrow at noon. And there's another gift from all of us in our room. But the guys don't get to see it."

"Hey, I'm not her date," Finn protests. "Why can't I?"

Jess shrugs. "Nope. Sorry."

"I can't believe you guys did this," Rey moans, covering her face as she grins. "You're all amazing."

"We know," Poe says, patting her shoulder.

 _This_ , Finn thinks. This is what friends are really like. He doesn't have to earn their love, but he gets to give them gifts.

Hux walks by and sneers at them. Ben rolls his eyes.

"Is he even going to prom?" Snap queries.

"Yeah, solo," Finn says. "I mean, he's going alone. Not that he's going solo. Rey's the one who's going with Solo."

Rey glares at him as Ben laughs.

"Just don't tell Ackbar if you plan to ride Solo," Jess says mischievously.

At that, both Ben and Rey turn as red as the ketchup Poe is liberally squirting on his eggs.

"Considering that they're cracking down—and by that I mean I heard Threepio saying he's literally searching out suit pockets to make sure we don't have hotel room keys—that might be kinda hard," Poe says.

"If you want the room to yourselves for a little while, I can crash with Brance," Snap offers.

"Just use protection," Jess sings, and Finn scowls at her.

"Won't Threepio be kinda checking rooms then?" Rey points out.

"Enough discussing this," Finn interjects. "Change of subject."

The truth is he's not sure he cares if Threepio is checking rooms. They're so close to graduation. _So close_. Granted, it was around this time last year when Nines borrowed his laptop and set Finn's world aflame.

 _What's a stupid risk, and what's a risk worth taking?_

Finn's not sure he knows.

"I wish I could go," grumble Beebee-Ate.

"We'll take pictures," Poe promises.

* * *

When he sees her, Ben's jaw drops. Rey laughs and then promptly almost trips in her heels.

"Whoa there," Poe says from behind her, catching her. "Nice dress."

"Thanks."

"You look beautiful," Ben says softly, thumbs on her shoulders as he takes in her midnight blue dress with silver trim. The stylist arranged her hair so that it was loose and wavy, just touching the tops of her shoulders.

"You're not wearing eyeliner," Rey returns, and he shrugs.

"It'll be back tomorrow."

"Good. I kind of miss it." She winks at him and then whistles as Finn emerges in a puce suit.

"Hey, no hitting on my man," Poe jokes.

Hux emerges, grumbling as he tries to tie his tie.

"Let me," Poe says, fixing it as Hux scowls.

"Threepio took his alcohol away," Ben murmurs in Rey's ear. "Last week."

"And he wasn't suspended?"

"No, he hasn't kept it in our room, so they can't prove it's his. Threepio found it stashed under the bushes. Real bright."

"Did Threepio already inspect your pockets?" Rey teases.

Ben guffaws. "Yeah."

As it turns out, Mr. Skywalker is one of the many chaperones for the prom. So is Mr. Snoke. Ben stiffens by her side.

"Ignore him," Rey hisses. She will too. Her heart thumps, betraying her. She _hates_ that man.

"Ben," Mr. Skywalker says as he jogs over to them. "You both look lovely."

"Thanks." Rey grins at him, grateful for the distraction, for Mr. Skywalker saving them from a ruined evening.

"Can I take a photo? To send to your parents?" Mr. Skywalker asks, looking at Ben, who nods reluctantly. He holds out the phone and then groans. "Oh sh—shoot, it's on video."

"No, leave it!" Rey exclaims, waving at the camera and leaning her head against Ben's shoulder. "Hi, Mr. Solo! Hi, Mrs. Solo!" Ben whispers in her ear, and Rey shrugs. "Oh. Hi, Ms. Organa! Sorry. Uh, we're gonna go dance now, okay? Bye!"

Ben waves too as Rey drags him away, leaving Mr. Skywalker chuckling.

"Your nails are pretty," Ben comments, holding her hand up and kissing her fingers. Indigo, teal, and silver sheer swaths of fabric drape downwards from the center of the ceiling, covering the lights and casting everything in an otherworldly, underwater glow. Fake candles line the wall.

"Looking good!" Jess calls, draped in a mint-green gown as Snap whirls her past them.

Rey dances with Ben for a little while, and otherwise, they stand and talk. Rey notices Phasma standing by herself and pokes Finn in the side. "Do something."

"On it," proclaims Poe with an overly dramatic flair. "This time, I will not fail."

Finn heads over to Phasma, with Rey and Ben tailing just far enough behind so as not to look obvious.

"Your dress is gorgeous," Finn says to her, and it is. Black and satin, it clings to her hips and chest in the most flattering of ways and contrasts with her short blond hair.

"So, I was wondering…" Poe's voice chatters as he approaches with Hux in tow. "Why you're hanging out with that Mitaka again? He's a problem. Don't you agree, Phasma?"

Phasma rolls her eyes as if she knows exactly what they're about. "You could do better," she allows to Hux.

"Oh look," Finn purrs as piano notes float through the air. "It's my favorite song. Let's dance, Poe."

"They're not subtle," Phasma scoffs after them.

"No, they're not," Hux agrees, shoving his fists into his pockets. "We could, though."

"Could what?" Phasma asks, turning to him.

Hux has to tilt his head to look in her eyes. "Dance. I mean, it's a good song—we both came alone—it doesn't mean anything—"

"Yeah," Phasma agrees. "Yeah, we could." He holds out her hand. Hux hesitates, but takes it.

"Oh my God," Rey says. " _Finally_."

"If a girlfriend can lift Hux out of his perpetually foul mood, I'm all for it," Ben says.

"Worked for you."

"Well, kind of. I was getting a little tired of myself anyways," Ben says as Rey drags him out onto the dance floor.

Poe and Finn slip out around about a half hour before it's scheduled to end, and she turns to Ben. "Want to go someplace quieter?"

His eyebrows rise.

"I mean, like—whatever," Rey huffs.

His hand clutches her shoulder as they head out. "Quieter's good."

He takes her exactly where Rey wants to go: the quad, and even though she knows it's spring and the ground is thawing and her dress is too expensive for this, she drops to the grass anyways, taking off her heels. "God, my feet are killing me."

Ben laughs and wraps his arms around her, kissing her. They can't go that far. Not in a place like this. _But_ …

Rey takes Ben's hand and moves it to the strap on one of her shoulders, helping him pull it down. The strapless bra she borrowed from Jess keeps her covered, and her heart pounds and memories haunt the back of her mind, but then they're gone. Ben's touch is gentle, nothing like Unkar Plutt, and all Rey wants to think about is the feel of his lips on her mouth, on her neck and her chest.

"Ben?" Rey murmurs.

"Yeah?"

"Next Saturday, when we can leave campus... do you want to go somewhere, get a room?" She hopes he doesn't shoot her down, but maybe he will and she's not sure she can blame him. "If you want to—you know. I can get condoms. I know where to."

He pulls back and chuckles. "Oh, you do?" He starts to grin. Rey shoves at his shoulder and he pulls her closer again, and tingles spark in Rey's fingertips.

"Yeah," Ben says in her ear. "Let's do that."

Rey kisses him again, and his hands reach under her bra.

And then, two thuds. Footsteps. " _Shit."_ Ben helps her yank her dress top back up.

"You two," intones the worst possible voice Rey could imagine. "Get over here."

 _Fuck_.

Rey climbs to her feet, shoes still beside her in the grass. She clutches Ben's hand. _We don't have to walk over. We don't have to. We don't._

"We'll go back to the prom," Ben says quickly.

"To your _dorms_ ," Mr. Snoke corrects. "Prom's over."

"We're sorry," Ben says quickly, because evidently he feels it's better to apologize first, stave off any attacks.

"Right away," Rey agrees, picking up her heels and scurrying away with Ben behind her. _Dammit_. He's following them.

If it were Mr. Skywalker or any of the teachers, she would give Ben a peck goodnight, but she can't in front of Snoke. She pauses by her dorm and gives him a quick hug. "Thanks."

Once inside her dorm, Rey texts Ben. _Did he try anything?_

 _No. He didn't even speak to me._

He will, though, Rey knows. Snoke's not one to stay quiet very long.

* * *

"You okay?" Finn questions as he enters the bathroom to find Ben stepping out of the shower. Because he's pretty sure he heard sobbing, and Ben's eyes are distinctly red.

"Of course. How as your night?" Ben asks slyly.

Finn isn't falling for this. "Did you and Rey break up or something?"

"Of course not! I love her." Ben grimaces. "It's just—things are complicated."

"How so?" Finn queries, leaning against the wall.

"You wouldn't understand."

"I might more than you think," Finn counters.

Ben blows out his breath. "Do you ever feel like you're not good enough for Poe? Like you have too much baggage and you're just fucking his life up even more than life's already fucked him up?"

"All the time, man," Finn assures Ben. "He probably feels the same way. And Rey too."

"Really?"

"I don't think your feelings are like super unique, Ben." Finn studies the kid in front of him, who he used to hate, who lied to get Finn in trouble, and who's now looking at Finn like he's offering him living water. "Rey likes you. A lot. I don't know why, but she does. Unless you're like, still using drugs and all, I don't think—"

"I'm clean," Ben says. "I just… yeah. How can you stand me? After what I did to you in December?"

"Because you've changed. At least I think you have. You're still emo and you still are way too loud sometimes, but you're less angry and less… I don't know. Rude." Finn shrugs. "You know I used to always hope my biological parents, wherever and whoever they are, would change? Change their minds, and come for me?"

Ben frowns. "I'm sorry."

"I started to think people couldn't change. Especially after what happened at my last school. And you've kinda proved that wrong."

Ben shudders as if Finn's words are the last things he wants to hear, and Finn doesn't understand why.

"You know Poe and I consider you a friend, right?"

"Yeah." He nods.

"If you ever need my help, Ben, I live right next door. Or if you want to talk to someone." Finn grabs his toothbrush.

"I wish I was more like you," Ben says with a sad smile.

"How?" Finn scoffs.

Ben shakes his head. "Long story. I'll tell you sometime. Maybe. Good night."


	18. Runaways

On Tuesday, Mr. Skywalker greets her with a smile and with news that pours like boiling tar onto Rey. She can't breathe and she's burning and she can't move.

"Hey, Rey," Mr. Skywalker says, crossing his arms. "Artoo's out sick today."

"Okay."

"And I don't really have time to supervise you, so Mr. Snoke said he has some things for you to do. He also said he'd tell you more about your grandfather." Luke claps her on the shoulder as if this is a gift he's giving her, not a flashback come to life, not raw panic clambering up her throat, not frantic fingers shredding her jeans, her top.

And somehow she feels like Mr. Skywalker should know better, like he should _protect_ her, and instead he's offering her up.

"Rey?"

"Um—I'm—" Rey stammers. Cold hatred suddenly washes over her, frightening her with its intensity. Betrayal scrapes and leaves her bleeding.

"Miss Kenobi!" Mr. Snoke calls, appearing behind her. "I don't need you for long. I just want to you edit a presentation."

 _Say no. Say you're sick_.

But if she does, she knows who he'll take it out on, and it's not her.

"Fine," Rey snaps, folding her arms over her chest as she stalks after the principal. _Ben would be furious._

"Here." Snoke directs her to a swivel chair in faded red, a powerpoint advertising the school already pulled up. A quirky paperweight in the shape of what looks like an alien and pots of fake flowers, crimson and yellow and violent orange, cover the desk. Rey works fast, her fingers flying and pounding edits with a fury. She imagines she's stabbing Unkar Plutt's eyes. Snoke's eyes.

"Miss Kenobi," Snoke says at last. "I _did_ want to speak with you about what I observed between you and Mr. Solo on the quad on Saturday."

"What?" Rey's fingers freeze. Her knuckles ache.

"You know it's against the rules."

"Everyone on campus was probably making out, or worse," Rey states, fire surging through her veins as she glares at Snoke. _I know what you did. I know what you are, you monster._

"I think you were doing a bit more than making out." Snoke comes closer, and Rey feels trapped, as if her own skin is closing around her and she can't move.

"I saw," Snoke murmurs, his hand clutching her shoulder and moving down. "What you let that boy do to you."

 _Don't pretend you're a virgin,_ Unkar had scoffed.

 _Not again._

The tethers holding her back snap, and Rey leaps out of her chair, kicking Snoke in his gaunt gut. "Get away from me!"

Snoke gasps as her foot collides with his stomach, and he stumbles backwards, his head whacking against the chestnut bookcase.

"Oh my God," Rey whimpers, her hands over her mouth. She's afraid to go near him. She's afraid to move.

She pulls out her phone and texts Ben, waiting for someone, anyone who heard, to come in.

* * *

 _I'm in Snoke's office pls come now_

 _Snoke's?_

Ben darts down towards the office from the library, heart in his throat. Is Snoke harassing Rey? Does Snoke even like girls?

Ben bursts into the principal's office to find Rey standing behind the desk, face green and her hands shaking.

And Snoke is crumpled on the floor.

"He tried to—he grabbed me—he was going to—" Rey covers her mouth and retches.

"Oh my God." Ben rushes towards her. "Did he—"

"I kicked him," she explains. "He put his hands down my shirt. I kicked him. And he fell. Is he _dead_?"

Ben doesn't want to look at this man's face anymore, but Rey's eyes fill with tears and she's shaking like a leaf. Ben drops to his knees and holds his hand out over Snoke's nostrils. "No, he's alive."

"Thank God." Rey starts to cry. "They're going to put me in jail, Ben. They are. It's my word against his."

"You were defending yourself." Which he admires. "I'll back you up."

"You weren't here though!"

Ben's chest hurts. His lungs quiver. "You didn't mean to hurt him—"

"I don't know," Rey whispers. "Not that badly, no, but—maybe I did. Somewhat." Her breath comes in quick gasps. "I'm so scared. I want to get _out_ of here."

"We can go to my uncle—"

"No we can't!" Rey cries. "He's the one who told me to work with Snoke today!"

There's no one they can trust. Ben clutches Rey's shoulders. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to get out of here," she says, eyes running as she looks up at him. "I want to get out of this school. I don't want to go to jail, Ben, I can't."

"You're going to run away?"

"Give me an hour before you let anyone know?"

Ben shakes his head, his mind tumbling ahead. "I'm going with you."

"What?"

"Go pack your backpack," Ben instructs her, adrenaline surging as he steps in front of Snoke's unconscious body. "Fast. I'll meet you outside of the loose fence in the parking lot. _Hurry_."

She nods and kisses him, just for a moment, before scurrying out of the room. Ben runs too, dashing towards his dorm. Hux isn't in. _Good_. He stuffs underwear, black jeans, his hoodie, his eyeliner in his bag. His passport, too. Running into the bathroom, he grabs his toothbrush and shampoo.

"Going somewhere?" Finn asks.

"Shit!" Ben jumps.

Finn's eyes dart from Ben's frantic face to the stuffed bag in his hands. "What's going on?"

"Can I trust you?" Ben demands, hoping he can. Because he doesn't trust anyone, not really, except Rey, and now he _needs_ to.

"Yes," Finn says slowly.

"Rey and I are running away."

"What?" Finn gapes at him. "You can't be—"

"It's true," Ben says. "We have to—Finn—Snoke tried to rape Rey, okay? He's been raping me for years. I've had enough. I can't—"

Finn's face starts to drain. "Did you do something to Snoke?"

"He's alive," Ben says quickly. "He tried to—hurt Rey. He's hurt now. Unconscious. They'll put us in jail, Finn. We have to get out of here. Yes, I hurt him." He's lying, and he doesn't care. Maybe when they put out an APB for them, they'll put it out for him, not for Rey.

"Jesus," Finn ekes out. "They'll find you—they will—"

"I don't care!" They can get to a city, maybe, and disappear…

"Where are you gonna go?" Finn yells at him. "Huh? Where are you and Rey going to—"

"I don't know! I have money for a taxi, we can figure it out—"

Finn shakes his head. "Keep your phone on you," he says, thumping Ben on the chest. "At least for now. _Please_. Let me help you." He meets Ben's eyes, and Ben sees another reflection of himself, of Rey, of a kid who's lost and floundering, but who maybe has something more to hold on to than he and Rey do.

"You could get expelled if you help us. Or worse," Ben warns him, remembering what he knows of Finn's history.

"I'm your _friend_ ," Finn says. "I might be repeating the same damn mistake as last year, but it's not for the same reason. I know you like me. I know you and Rey are my friends. I'm not trying to earn anything. I'm trying to give you something." He grabs Ben's conditioner and shoves it in Ben's bag. "Take care of her. And Poe and I will take care of things here. Work things out. We won't let you go to jail."

* * *

"Luke Skywalker!"

"What happened?" Luke leaps to his feet as Snoke staggers in, clutching his head.

"The Kenobi girl attacked me!"

"What?" The words don't compute. Luke shakes his head.

"She attacked me! Call Dr. Kalonia—and call security!" Snoke waves his hand in fury.

"She _attacked_ you? Why?"

"I don't know!" Snoke groans and slumps into Luke's chair. "I woke up on the floor, and she was gone. I knew that girl was trouble—"

"I'll call Dr. Kalonia," Luke says quickly, even as his mind skitters ahead. Could Rey really have taken down Snoke on her own? And why would she want to?

The possible answers all center on one person: his nephew.

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jess whispers.

Snap shakes his head. "I can't believe Ben did that."

Finn told Poe earlier all of what Ben had said, but he hasn't mentioned that Snoke raped Ben to the others. But they deserve to know where Ben and Rey are, even if the answer is simply "somewhere away from here."

"We can't tell on them," Beebee-Ate says.

"Of course not." Poe stands. "You guys need to go. All of you. I mean, Snap and Finn can stay, but it'll look suspicious if we're all here together."

"Right." Jess nods. "You have to text me, though."

"And me," Beebee-Ate adds.

"We will," Finn promises as their friends scatter.

"How are we gonna help them?" Snap wonders.

"Leave that to me," Poe says grimly as Threepio rings the dorm bell.

"Shit," Finn breathes, clutching Poe's hand as they wait for their dorm parent to come around.

"Finn, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to return to your room," Threepio says apologetically. "We're on lockdown, and I must account for all my students."

Finn exchanges a glance with Poe.

"I'll take care of it," Poe mutters in Finn's ear. "Text me."

Finn nods and leaves.

The moment the door slams shut, Poe dials Rey.

"Poe?"

"Hey," he says. "Snoke's okay. Well, pissed off, and they're searching the school grounds. We're on lockdown."

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean—"

"Hey, listen, it's fine," Poe insists. "Where are you guys headed?"

"We don't—"

"Well, give me a city name or something. I'll book you a decent hotel."

"You can't do that!"

Bitterness rises in Poe's throat. "Yes, I can. I have a credit card. Give me a city name, any name." Or, more accurately, his father has a credit card that Poe's mother gave him all the information for "in case of an emergency," not that he's ever used it before.

But he's using it now, and damned if the man who hasn't called him once this semester will even fucking notice.

Ben says something in the background. "Naboo," Rey tells Poe. "That's where we're going."

"Okay." Poe googles for hotels in Naboo. "How fancy do you want?"

"We're kind of trying to stay under the radar, Poe."

"Oh right." So no five stars. Four stars, on the other hand… _They deserve a decent place._

Within the hour, Mr. Skywalker shows up at their room. "When's the last time you heard from my nephew or Rey?"

"Last period," Poe lies. He's deleted the call from his phone, and the hotel is booked.

"Really?" Mr. Skywalker crosses his arms and studies Poe.

"Yes. Really," Poe says, looking him straight in the eye and only feeling the slightest twinge of guilt.

"What's happening?" Snap asks innocently.

"Threepio will call a meeting for you all as a dorm," Mr. Skywalker says, his face graying as he turns on his heel and stalks away.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Poe says to Snap, who nods.

* * *

"I can't believe Poe did this for us," Ben says as they leave the front desk of a decent hotel, by no means fancy but by every means comfortable, room key in hand.

"Neither can I," Rey mutters as they get into an elevator. "I've never been in a hotel before."

"Really?" Ben stares at her, and she shrugs.

"They're going to find us," she says aloud, examining her nails. Chips appear along the edges of the manicure.

"I know."

"Do you think I'm an awful person?"

"How can you even think I would?" Ben demands, facing her and blinking as if hurt. "You're—Rey. You're so much—you _didn't do anything wrong."_

"It doesn't work like that, does it?" she asks as the elevator dings on the third floor and they get off. "I _feel_ guilty."

"I know," he says, voice soft, and Rey knows he does.

"Oh my God," Rey says as they enter the room and Ben flicks the light switch on. "We have _two_ beds?" Both covered in deep red quilts and crowned with fluffy white pillows. Rey kicks off her shoes and throws herself down on one. She could cry a liter into these pillows and still not soak one.

Ben laughs. "One for each of us."

"Really?" Rey asks, sitting up and resting on her elbow.

His face turns red. "Well—I mean—"

She crawls off the bed and stands, pulling his head down to kiss him. Their mouths meld together, and Rey tries to push Snoke out of her mind, forget about all of it.

 _You didn't do anything wrong,_ his voice knocks from the back of her mind.

Maybe she was wrong to kick Snoke, but no, she wasn't wrong to fight back. She couldn't let Snoke steal from her what Unkar stole, steal from her like he stole from Ben. _I'm more than that._

 _So is Ben._

Tomorrow, she might need to face the music. But not for tonight.

"I love you," he tells her.

He really does, Rey knows. Ben loves her. He knows everything and she knows everything and they're both still here, mouths locked, still alive and still whole. She wraps her arm around him. Her fingers dig into his skin and he presses deeper into her mouth. One arm wraps around her waist. The other hand strokes her chest, and all the things she's been afraid of—that Unkar and Snoke had ruined part of her life, her experience, forever—it's not true. It won't be true.

"You can take my shirt off," she murmurs in Ben's ear.

He pulls away, a slight smirk across his face. "I _did_ pack condoms."

"Oh good." She opens her mouth again, drinking from him and pouring herself into him. Her shirt hits the floor. Her fingers pull his over his head. Her lips graze his chest, and his arms wrap around her and then she's on her back, on top of the bed, heart beating, alive, and Ben's hands are on her chest, taking off her bra and then casting it to the side. He cups her breasts and kisses them.

 _What do I do now?_ Ben meets her eyes and smiles, and she almost laughs as if they're thinking the same thing. She doesn't know what she's doing any more than he does. It doesn't matter.

He's hovering over her and she wants to know, wants both of them to make their own choices. And she's making hers. Rey reaches up and unbuttons his jeans.

He pulls back and fumbles for the condom. His fingers graze her belly as he pulls down her pants, and then her underwear. She wonders if he's ever seen a girl naked before—no, she knows he hasn't, and he's kissing her again.

 _I love you,_ he told her, she remembers.

 _And I love you,_ she thinks. Their mouths meld together as her heart picks up pace and her body starts to ache.

"Are you ready?" she asks.

"Yeah." He brushes the side of her cheek. She sucks in her breath— _why? There's no reason_ —and then breathes out.

Rey's breaths comes in quick gasps as their hips rock together, awkwardly at first and then find a rhythm. She squeezes her eyes shut. He slows.

Her eyes fly open. _Am I that bad at this?_ "What are you doing?"

"Are you okay?" His bangs are strewn around his face, and Rey starts to laugh.

"I'm _good_." She pulls him closer and arches her hips back up to meet his. This time, she watches his face as his clenched jaw relaxes, as he stops thinking about the mechanics and focuses on her. He leans down and nibbles at the nape of her neck.

Her muscles start to clench and release and she gasps out loud, echoing his own moan. She's shivering and he's shaking and they're holding each other.

When they both finish, Rey's mind still swirling, Ben rolls off her and presses his face against her chest, and she feels like she's about to burst. She's alive and triumphant and she leans her forehead against his, tilting his face up to look into his eyes and seeing something she's never seen in anyone's eyes, not for her. And she wants to say it.

"I love you," Rey says as his fingers twist a tendril of her hair.

He smiles at her, this boy who she really feels knows all of her. "I know."


	19. Graveyards

"Leia, you and Han need to get up here. Now."

"Is it Ben?" she demands, shoving the glass of wine she poured for herself away. She and Han had a fight earlier that ended with him storming out of the house. A fight over, in part, their son.

Luke's breath is ragged. "Yes."

Leia's chest tightens and burns. "Is he all right?"

Her brother hesitates. "We'll talk when you get up here. I really can't say any more, Leia. _Please_. Drive safely."

"Luke! Don't you hang up on me—don't—"

 _Click_.

"Shit," Leia says, staring at her phone and dialing Han. "Pick up, you nerfherder!"

"If you're going to talk like that, I might just hang up," her husband answers.

"Han, Luke just called. Something's going on. Something's wrong—very wrong. Ben." Leia's tongue grabs words and flings them into the phone, grammar be damned.

Chewie whimpers in the background. "I'm on my way. We'll go up there. We'll fix this."

"How?" she demands, but she hangs up before he can answer.

She never should have sent him away. That's when she lost her son. And Leia's spent years trying to resurrect her son, breathe life into whatever he's become, because she doesn't recognize him in so many ways and yet he's the baby she carried for nine months, the child who kissed her goodbye when she dropped him off at school for the first time, the boy who used to pick dandelions from their neglected backyard for her whenever she and Han had an argument. _Don't be sad,_ he would say.

And that's all Leia wants to say to her son now, even knowing what he did to his father: _don't be sad_.

The latest she heard from Luke was on Saturday, when he texted them a video of Ben and Rey, both beaming and excited for their prom. _What happened?_

Whatever it is, it's a lot more serious than being caught with pot or alcohol or sneaking off campus.

 _Please just be okay,_ Leia pleads. _Please be okay, Ben._

* * *

It's well after midnight by the time Leia and Han pull up at the school. Luke dashes for their car, almost as if he's been waiting for them even in the spring drizzle, and he's _crying_.

 _Oh, God no_ , Leia clutches the car as she watches her brother cry in Han's arms. Chewie howls.

"Ben's missing," Luke tells her.

"How?" Han demands.

"We don't know. He and Rey Kenobi are both missing. We think they snuck off campus and went—well, we really don't know where. But we doubt they're still in town." Luke ushers them up the stone stairs carved into the hillside, towards his office.

"Why would they leave town?" Leia asks.

"Sit down," Luke says as he enters his office. Artoo lifts her head off the desk and rushes to Leia, embracing her.

"Why?" Han asks.

"You'll need to," Luke says. They obey, and Luke tells them about Snoke's injury, about what he said about Rey attacking him. "We tried to track their phones. Apparently they've switched them off."

"Oh _hell_ ," Han says, leaning forward and gripping his knees.

"I think we might be able to find them before Snoke calls the police," Luke says carefully. "We'll have to wait until morning, but as for their friends—they all claim they're in the dark, but I have my doubts. We'll interview them more thoroughly tomorrow. Poe Dameron, Finn Storm, Ben's roommate Brendol Hux, Jessika Pava, Snap Wexley. One of them, if not most of them—I'm sure they know more than they're telling."

"Have you called Kes?" Leia inquires, her hand gripping her forehead.

"I don't think there's any reason to, not yet. We did send an email around to all the parents, letting them know the bare bones of what happened and that we're handling it."

"Why would that girl attack Snoke?" Han demands. "That makes no sense. Have you seen her? She's _tiny_."

"I would have said Rey wouldn't hurt a fly," Luke confirms. "None of it makes any sense." He doubles over. "God, I'm so sorry, Leia. You told me to look after him. I failed. Masterfully. And I'm the one who sent Rey to work with Snoke today…"

"It's not your fault," Han reassures him.

"It's not," Artoo echoes softly.

"We do have security footage," Luke adds. "Not inside the office, but outside… Leia, Han, Ben went into that office too. After Rey. They're in there for maybe three or four minutes together, and then they both run out."

"Are you suggesting that Ben might have attacked Snoke?" Han asks.

" _I don't know."_

Artoo clears her throat. "We're going to find them, Luke. And we're going to find out what happened. Whatever it is, I doubt very much that either Ben or Rey are capable of—"

 _Is he?_ Leia wonders, remembering Ben's revelation over spring break, about what he'd done to Han. That was _cruel_.

 _Does it matter?_

Even if he was involved in attacking Snoke, she wants him home. She wants her son _back_.

* * *

"Get that dog out of here," Snoke growls.

"The dog," Han states coldly as Chewie lifts his head. "Is staying."

"I don't even have to let _you_ stay," Snoke retorts.

"They're desperate for information," Maz says quietly. "It might not be a bad thing to have them here." The woman's already told them that she's seen Ben for two sessions, and mostly what he spoke about was wanting to work on his anger issues.

Snoke snorts. "Fine. And so you are aware, I've called all of their parents—and guardian, in Finn's case, and requested each of them head here. And if we don't find them by four o'clock today, I _am_ phoning the police and pressing charges. Should that happen, their parents will need to be here, because there's no doubt they'll all be interviewed by the police as well." A smile cuts across this face. "Besides, their parents' presence will hopefully remind the kids to do the right thing."

"Pressure them, you mean," Leia mutters, although she agrees with Snoke that they need to be informed.

"All five of them will be pulled from their first period class," Luke reiterates. "Artoo will watch them in the office across the hall, and we'll interview them one at a time."

"Why would he do this?" Han groans.

"Maybe it doesn't even entirely have to do with what happened to you," Artoo suggests to Snoke. "Rey's a conscientious kid—maybe there was something else going on—"

"Like what?' Snoke sneers. "Like she's pregnant?"

"What?" Leia gasps.

"That's pure speculation," Luke snaps. "We have nothing to suggest that, and it's unprofessional of you to—"

"I did catch the two of them in some manner of undress after prom," Snoke says. "Maybe that's why she attacked me."

 _Maybe you think too much of yourself_. Leia purses her lips.

"Don't scowl at me," Snoke reprimands her. "I'd be well within my rights to call the police on that girl and your son right now. You should feel grateful I'm giving them a chance."

The first bell rings. Artoo leaves to gather the kids.

"We should talk to the roommates first," Luke murmurs to Snoke, who rolls his eyes but nods.

Artoo escorts a redheaded kid Leia recognizes into the room. "Hello, Hux," she says with a smile that the boy doesn't respond to.

"I have no idea where he is. They are. I last saw him in physics," Hux recites. "I already told Threepio this—I don't see why—"

"Hux, we know," Luke interrupts. "We just want to know whether or not Ben may have said anything—anything about Mr. Snoke, or—"

"He literally never spoke about you," Hux says, looking smugly at Snoke, whose eyes flash. "Except when you were still mentoring him and he'd say he had to meet with you or whatever."

"Threepio says you two didn't get along," Luke ventures.

"We didn't. He's messy. I have OCD. I need a clean space. He liked to antagonize me. But he's been nicer lately… this semester. Since he started dating Rey."

"Did she ever spend the night?" Snoke asks abruptly.

"No!" Hux shakes his head.

"Drugs? Alcohol?"

"Okay, he smoked last semester, but he stopped." Hux sighs as if this is all just a waste of time.

"If there's anything you know that could help us find them, Hux, please share it," Maz encourages.

"I doubt it's relevant… but he had an old girlfriend. I don't know who she is, though. He never really mentioned her." Hux frowns.

"How do you know—"

"Remember that rumor that went around, the one you suspended Mitaka for?" Hux asks, glancing at Leia and then looking straight at Luke. "It wasn't a rumor. It was true. Ben told me, and I promised not to tell anyone—"

"But you told Mitaka," Luke finishes, clenching his fists and sighing.

Maz groans. "So he really did have an STD."

Leia bites her lip to keep from gasping. Han's face flames red next to her.

"He denied it," Luke says lamely, glancing at his sister with an expression of guilt.

After a few more questions, during which they have no success prying out any information Hux might have on this mysterious girlfriend—who Ben never mentioned to either her or Han, Leia's certain—Snoke dismisses Hux.

As they wait for Artoo to bring Jess in, Maz taps Luke on the shoulder, and he turns to them. "I'm so sorry."

"What," Han says, his voice shaking in rage. "Happened?"

Luke explains about the bullying, how Ben begged him not to tell them.

"He's a kid," Han snarls. "You shouldn't have—"

"I didn't think it was true!"

If it was true, why couldn't her son _tell_ her? Leia buries her face in her faces, wanting to cry, but her eyes are like deserts. They can't conjure up any moisture, and the only thing she tastes on her tongue is how furious she is at _herself_.

How alone must Ben have felt?

Why couldn't he turn to her?

 _You sent him away._

"He never mentioned that to me either," Maz says. "Or any other girl besides Rey."

Artoo raps on the door and a pretty Asian girl enters. Jessika Pava.

She gives the same answers as Hux: she hasn't heard from Rey, Rey never mentioned wanting to leave, Rey isn't involved in drugs, Rey is definitely _not_ pregnant.

Luke cocks his head, studying Jess. "Let me see your phone."

Jess hands it over.

"Unlock it."

Her fingers enter the code and she pulls up her messages and phone calls. Luke stares at the screen.

"Nothing, see?" Jess asks.

"That's exactly it, Jess," Luke says, leaning back. " _Nothing_."

"I don't—"

"You and Rey text quite a bit, apparently." Luke scrolls through. "But you haven't texted her at all since yesterday morning. Not a 'where are you?' or an 'are you okay?'"

Jess turns pale, and Leia's heart leaps.

"I don't know where they are!"

"Maybe not," Maz agrees, exchanging a look with Snoke. "But I'm betting someone in your friend circle does."

* * *

"Have you been to Naboo before?" Rey asks as she shimmies into her jeans come morning.

"It's where my grandmother's from."

"Really?" Rey glances at Ben, who's applying eyeliner before the mirror.

"And it's where my grandfather's buried… and your grandfather."

"Really?" Rey asks, pausing with her mauve t-shirt in her hands.

He nods. "My mother used to make me go on the anniversary… but she stopped. Years ago."

"Do you want to go today?"

He shrugs into his black sweatshirt. "Do _you?"_

"Yeah," Rey says. "Kind of."

"We won't have a lot of money after the taxi ride," Ben confides. "Like for food or—"

"We'll figure it out," Rey assures him. Even if that means going back and turning herself in. _Don't think about that yet_.

They arrive at the graveyard, the sky overheard and the air surrounding them gray and thick and spitting at them. Ben pauses by a group of dandelions and picks two. He lays the first one at a gravestone marked for Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala.

And then he takes her to her grandfather's grave. _Ben Kenobi,_ the tombstone reads.

"Ben?" Rey queries.

Her boyfriend shrugs. "He changed his name, too." He offers her the dandelion, and Rey drops it at the grave. Tears sting her eyes as she covers her mouth.

"Rey?" Ben wraps his arms around her.

"I just… my mother. I've never been to her grave. I don't even know if I would want to," Rey sniffs. "Not after she abandoned me to Unkar Plutt." She buries her face in Ben's shoulder. "I hate her sometimes, Ben. I don't want to… I know she had her own demons. But I still hate her."

He presses his cheek, sticky and cold from the weather, against hers. "It's okay, Rey."

"It's not okay. I don't want to hate her."

"See Maz Kanata?" he recommends.

Rey laughs. "Maybe I should. If we go back. I'm scared, Ben."

"Me too," he admits.

 _Who are you?_ Rey asks the plain beige stone. _Would you be proud of me, here? Would you like Ben? Would you like_ me?

 _That's not the question you should be asking,_ she thinks suddenly.

 _Who am_ I?

* * *

Finn follows Poe back from the cafeteria, where Artoo chaperoned them and refused to let them speak to any other students. Phasma broke the rules, of course, and came over to kiss Hux and wish them all good luck. Artoo didn't seem terribly annoyed, however.

Beebee-Ate casts them all a look of worry. Finn can't believe they haven't pounced on the kid yet.

He'd promised Ben they'd fix this. How can they when they're trapped?

The moment they arrive back in the tiny office they're confined to, Finn's pasta revolts in his stomach.

Lando.

Kes Dameron.

Brendol Hux.

Jess's mother and father, both of them, and Snap's father.

 _We are so fucked_ , Finn thinks.

"Let's try this again," Snoke sneers from the doorway. "Hux, I'll see you and your father first."

"And you better be straight with them—" His father starts to threaten.

"I already told you everything I know!" Hux yells.

"We will see," Snoke muses before gliding down the hall. Finn feels like giving Hux the Hunger Games salute as the boy stumbles along behind him.

Finn trudges over to the open seat besides Lando and sits down.

"What do you know, kid?" Lando asks.

Finn shrugs.

"Not gonna work," Lando says. "Finn, this is serious. Far more serious than you know. Leia and Han are _distraught_. You _need_ to tell them everything you know."

"I can't tell them anything," Finn says, blasé, as if he doesn't have anything to tell.

Lando narrows his eyes. "Think long and hard about that, kid."

Finn shakes his head, feeling as if he's being strangled. He's trapped. What can he say? What can he do?

 _Snoke tried to rape Rey… He's been raping me._

Finn's gaze darts across the room to Poe, who sits next to his sullen father. Poe bites his lip, so many phrases, so many unspoken words, no doubt running through his mind, but what can he even say?

Hux and his father return to the room and Jess leaves with her parents. Then Snap and his father. The afternoon light crawls across the wall, and Finn knows the deadline Maz mentioned is ticking down.

If only he could talk to Maz alone… she might be able to help.

Mr. Dameron's phone rings, and he answers, stepping out of the room. Poe shakes his head as he watches his dad go.

And then Mr. Dameron bursts back into the room, grabbing Poe by his arm and yanking him upright.

"What the—" Poe yelps.

"That," Mr. Dameron informs him. "Was the bank. Reporting _unusual activity_ on my credit card."

Poe blanches and Finn's stomach starts to throb. _Oh no. Oh no. Oh no._

"You used it for them, didn't you?"

Poe looks to Finn as if asking for him to save him, but there's nothing he can do.

"Are you sure?" Artoo asks.

" _Quite_. Come on," Mr. Dameron growls, hauling his son out the door. "I think we need to give Leia and Han some good news."

* * *

"Kes, you can't—" Luke starts as Dad pushes Poe into the room.

"All right, all _right_ ," Poe snaps irritably.

"Poe has something he wants to tell you," Dad says.

"No," Poe retorts, crossing his arms as Snap's eyes widen. "I don't."

"Poe!"

"You don't have the right to yell at me!" Poe screams at his father, all the frustrations, all the questions he's buried over the past months clawing their way out. "You never talk to me anymore! The only time you come up here to see me is when you find out that we're all in trouble! Ever since Mom died it's like I've lost two parents instead of one! Why would you care if I used your credit card? _You don't care if I do anything else!_ Why would you care if I got drunk, had sex, smoked crack or even if I fucking died?" Tears stream down his face, and he doesn't even care that Ms. Organa must hate him now, because his father clearly hates him, can't stand the sight of him, wants to forget him, and it's killing Poe. _You used to care. And now you don't. Why don't you? Why am I not enough for you to keep caring?_

"Poe," Maz says gently.

He doubles over, sobbing loudly, and still his father doesn't come.

"Come here," Maz says gentle, her papery hand taking his own and leading him out of the room, where he crumples onto a bench and presses his fists against his knees.

 _Dad hates me._

So will Rey and Ben, when they realize he's gotten them caught.

Finn won't, but it's not enough. Poe gulps in air. Maz returns— _when did she leave?_ —with a cup of water, but Poe can't drink it.

* * *

 **Thanks to everyone for reading! Two more chapters left :)**


	20. Facing the Music

Ben watches Rey shiver as they make their way back to the hotel, cheap pizza in their stomachs. "It's too cold for spring."

"Seriously," she agrees, flashing him a smile. "Do you think Finn and Poe and Jess and everyone are okay?"

Ben nods. _We'll decide tomorrow._ That was what he and Rey agreed on in the pizza place. Decide whether to go back, unearth their secrets and hope against hope that they can take down a monster, or run.

He knows what they'll both want to do. He wonders whether either of them can do it.

Rey glances at him as if she knows what he's thinking. She unlocks their room, and as soon as they're inside he grabs her in an embrace.

 _We have each other, at least._

Rey kisses him for several minutes, and then pulls back. "Let me take a shower first."

"First?" he questions. He's used to showering _after_. After Snoke. But last night, it hadn't even occurred to him to wash Rey off.

"Yeah." Rey pauses, her hand on the bathroom handle. "It _does_ look like the fanciest shower I've ever seen." She smirks, and he laughs. "You could join me?" She bites her lip as if nervous as to how he'll react to the suggestion.

 _Join her?_ "Maybe." But a smile creeps across his face, and she pulls him inside the room, turning the faucet on.

Both of them undress and climb in. The water's warm, and the sticky, damp chill from the air washes away. Heat surges inside of Ben as he takes in the curves of Rey's legs, her hips and the lines of her neck. She's studying him, too, more than last night. There's nothing he can hide from her—the scar from an accident when he was eight, the weird skin moles, and he doesn't want to hide.

"Damn," Rey says. "Now I want to kiss you instead of shampooing my hair."

Ben laughs and grabs the bottle, massaging the citrus-scented shampoo into his scalp.

"No fair." Rey grabs it back, but he holds on and she runs her hands up his arms, her skin pressed up against his.

He closes his eyes, and then opens them, letting the sight of her—dripping wet, bubbles frothing in her hair, standing straight and naked and unashamed—wash into him. Instead of feeling raging shame stabbing him on the inside, instead of pounding his fists against the walls, he takes her in his arms, strokes her shoulders.

"Are you okay?" Rey asks, her palm flat against his chest.

Ben nods. "Yeah... it's just—I used to—when Snoke hurt me, I would shower the first chance I got, wash him away, but I never really washed him away. I never felt clean. I felt gross and dirty no matter what I did."

"When Unkar hurt me, I did the same thing," Rey confesses, eyes downcast. Steam rises around them.

 _And if we go back, they'll know. Everyone will know. The school won't be able to keep it a secret._

"What if they don't believe us? What if they don't believe you? What if they believe Snoke?" Ben manages. Who would believe two runaways? Who would believe the kids who attacked their principal? Who would believe a boy who's been suspended and has a terrible reputation among his teachers, who ratted out his own father?

"I don't know." Rey bites her lip, tearing up. "But it is the truth."

A face floats into Ben's mind. "Do you think Maz will believe us?"

"Maybe." Rey's eyes light up as water pours down on both of them. "Yeah, she might."

 _Snoke knew,_ Ben realizes. He knew all along there were few people who would believe him if he told. _That's why you were the perfect target_. He stares at himself, at his body, and wishes he were someone else, wishes he could go back and erase all of it.

Or not. Because Rey's here, touching his face, pleading with him and with herself. "You are clean, Ben. He doesn't—what he did to you, what Unkar did to me, what Snoke tried to do to me—we're gonna be okay. We'll figure it out." She tilts her head back, letting the water pull the shampoo from her hair, and he believes her. He lowers his lips to meet hers.

"Okay, enough shower time," Rey finally pants, turning off the faucet. She steps out and towel-dries her hair, tossing him a look-eyebrows raised, lips pouting—over her shoulder.

"If that's your seductive face, you're going to have to work on it," Ben teases her.

Her eyebrows climb higher. "I think it's working."

Ben sweeps her up in his arms, carrying her bridal style out of the bathroom and towards the bed. She leans her head against his shoulder and looks up at him, without a smile, but with complete trust.

* * *

"Excuse me, Ms. Artoo?"

An innocent voice drifts through the room. Finn can't focus, though. He can hear Poe shouting from across the hall, and it's killing him.

"Yes, Beebee-Ate?" Artoo frowns. "You shouldn't—"

"I need to talk to you," Beebee-Ate insists, his gaze meeting Finn's. He shrugs.

Artoo slips into the hall.

"Look's like the jig's up," Lando says, voice disappointed. In Finn.

"Not really," Finn manages.

"What do you mean?" Mr. Hux demands.

He's right. Everything's falling apart. Finn can tell the truth, or lie to try and put a band-aid on a fatal wound. But if he tells the truth…

"Can I talk to _you_ alone?" Finn requests.

Lando nods. "Come on, kid." He turns to the other parents, instructing them to tell Artoo they'll be right back if she comes in. He leads Finn down the hall, and Finn notices Artoo and Beebee-Ate are gone.

"Okay, kid," Lando says as they emerge out the building's back entrance. He takes a seat on the concrete step. "What's going on?"

"I don't know if you'll believe me," Finn admits. "But I saw Ben. Before he left. I helped him pack."

Lando blows his breath out. "Okay."

"He pushed Snoke. Not Rey. Or so he said."

"Not surprising," Lando says gruffly.

 _This_. This is exactly what Finn doesn't want to hear. Someone thinking the worst, however deserved, of Ben.

 _Is that why you never told, Ben?_

"Is there more?"

The muscles in his neck tense. Finn almost shakes his head. But for the first time, he really, truly wants to be free to tell the truth. And he wants to save his friends, and maybe that looks different than he thought. "Yes."

"What?" Lando looks into his eyes, and Finn can barely say the words, but he shoves them out into the light of day anyways.

* * *

"Poe."

He lifts his eyes, squinting to see his father standing in front of him. He's still crying, and he can't stop. It's worse than the night he found out his mother died, because she wanted to stay with him, and his father—he won't even fight for Poe.

Dad eases himself down next to Poe and wraps his arms around him.

"Get—off me!" Poe shouts, sobs still wracking his chest, and then he feels it. His father's face, wet. His father's chest, shuddering as he cries.

"I'm so sorry, Poe," Dad ekes out. "I'm _so sorry."_

"You hate me."

"I _love_ you."

Poe swallows his tears. "Well, you haven't—acted like it."

Dad pulls away and turns Poe's face towards his. "I know. I'm so sorry. I know I've been depressed—I just—I keep telling myself I can talk myself out of it, and I can't—I—God, Poe."

"I needed you this year," Poe says, voice breaking in angry shards. "I needed you, and you weren't there. You didn't care what I did. You didn't even react when I told you I got into school, or that I'd met a guy I really _love_. You haven't—"

"You have every right to be mad at me," Dad agrees. "Maz just read me the riot act, and everything she said is true. I _know_ I've failed you, Poe. I know I've let you down." He caresses Poe's forehead, wiping stray strands of hair with his thumb. "I can't promise I'll go back to how things used to be, but I am going to get help, okay? I promise."

Poe wants to believe his father, but he's not sure he does.

"It's okay," Dad says, as if he knows what Poe's thinking. "I'll prove it to you."

Poe presses his head against his father's chest, breathing in and out. His father runs his hands over Poe's hair.

"I need to tell Ms. Organa and Mr. Solo something," Poe manages to say.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Poe nods.

He arrives back in the room with his face swollen, no doubt, and his nose still running. Finn and Lando approach from the other direction, Lando's jaw and fists clenched.

"You told him?" Poe quizzes Finn, who runs to him and wraps his arms around Poe. "I'm okay, Finn. I'm going to be."

"I told him," Finn confirms as he pulls back. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't be." _Fuck the rules._ Poe kisses Finn quickly before they reenter Luke's office.

"Both of them, I presume," Lando says with a sigh. "Have something to say before you drive down to Naboo, Leia, Han, Luke, Maz." He frowns as he looks at Snoke, and Poe sees him hesitating.

"Yes?" Snoke prompts.

"Away from you."

"No. I'm not leaving." Snoke's eyes darken, and Poe wonders how much he suspects, if there's some panic behind his ghoulish face.

"I'll let them tell you," Lando sneers, keeping his gaze fixed on Snoke as if he'd like to tear that withered head from those drooping shoulders.

Finn looks to Poe, and Poe wipes at his eyes and nods. _Do it._

"I helped Ben pack. To run away," Finn says. "And he told me why he attacked Snoke." He faces Snoke, something Poe can't even do. "You tried to rape Rey."

"What?" Mr. Solo explodes.

"Excuse me?" Snoke retorts.

 _Really, that's the best you can do?_ Poe snorts.

Mr. Skywalker grabs the edge of his desk. Maz drops her files and Ms. Organa—she's so still, not even breathing.

"That's a lie!" Snoke defends himself.

"I think it's not," Artoo's voice interrupts from the doorway. She holds up a small black piece of plastic and metal. A thumb drive. "Beebee-Ate just suggested I comb through your files, Snoke. I found all those receipts from the clinic—"

"Paying for the boy's gonorrhea treatment is hardly—"

" _And_ emails," Artoo cuts in. "I've already called the police."

"Emails from Rey?" Maz asks, her clipboard dropping to the floor, her tone suggesting that she knows they aren't about Rey, or from Rey. Not at all.

"No." Artoo shakes her head at Snoke.

The unspoken name slams into every one of them.

"You _piece of shit,"_ Artoo says, voice wobbling.

Snoke lunges at Artoo, but Lando leaps up and grabs him, holding him back. Poe's father helps Lando wrestle the principal against the wall.

"Want a stronger concussion?" Dad threatens. "Just give me a reason!"

Mr. Solo rises to his feet and takes a step closer to Snoke, shaking, lips bubbling with rage. He can barely spit out the words. _"Did you molest my son?"_

Snoke glares at him, and that's answer enough. His feeble protest comes and makes no difference. "I would hardly—"

Mr. Solo rushes at Snoke and slams his fist across his jaw. Ms. Organa leaps up and drags her husband back, only to deck Snoke herself.

"Wow," Poe gasps, impressed.

"Hey, hey!" Lando pulls Ms. Organa away from the disgraced principal. "You _asshole_ ," he snarls at Snoke.

Police come in and handcuffs snap, rights are read, and Poe backs away, his hand grappling for Finn's. Beebee-Ate saved the day. Poe needs to thank the little guy.

They march Snoke away, and as he goes, Mr. Skywalker covers his face. When he lifts his hands, Poe sees tears tracking down his cheeks.

* * *

"We'll decide in the morning," Ben promises as Rey rolls out of the bed.

She nods. If they do go back… she's afraid, but she also knows now that she's okay, whoever she is. She knows she doesn't want to hurt people. She knows she's not like her mother, or Unkar, or Snoke.

In some ways, she's like Ben, but in others, she's not. She's Rey, and Ben loves her and Finn and Poe care about her, and she's okay.

 _You didn't win, Unkar._

Snoke won't, either. Somehow.

Rey pulls on her athletic shorts and the same t-shirt. Ben pulls on his black outfit and heads to the bathroom as she traipses back over to the bed and flops down.

 _Knock, knock._

 _Did we order room service?_

 _Shit._

"Holy fuck," she says aloud, all of the bravery that washed over her in the shower dissipating in the air.

"Ben? Rey?"

"It's just us!"

 _Ms. Organa._

 _Mr. Solo._

A dog woofs. Her limbs feel heavy, as if she's not quite ready for this—but it's here anyways. Music time.

She unlocks the door, breath hitching.

"Rey." Ms. Organa wraps an arm around her, and Rey's so shocked she falls against the woman and hugs her back.

"May we come in?" Han asks, voice quiet.

Rey nods, pulling away and twisting her hair around her hand. She sees Han's eyes flicker to the one perfectly made bed and the one rumpled one.

 _Slut,_ Unkar's voice echoes.

 _I am not,_ Rey answers herself, straightening.

The bathroom door opens, and Ben emerges. His face drains.

"We're here to talk," Ms. Organa says.

"Not to turn me in?" Rey asks softly.

"For what?" Han asks, peering at her as Chewie rubs against her knees.

Rey scratches Chewie's ears. "I kicked Snoke. He hit his head."

" _You_ did?" Han's eyes widen. "Finn told us—"

"That I did it," Ben says quickly.

"You lied to Finn?" Rey's jaw drops.

He shrugs. "I was trying to protect you."

"I can take care of myself," Rey says, but her voice is quiet and profoundly grateful. Was it dumb of Ben? Yes.

But he cared enough to try for her.

"Do you want to have a seat?" Ms. Organa asks, waving her hand as she sits on the made bed, her husband beside her. Rey and Ben exchange a grimace and sit on the unmade one. Chewie crawls up behind them.

"I didn't know they allowed dogs," Ben comments.

"They do," Han says, jaw trembling. "Ben—Rey—"

"Snoke's been arrested," Ms. Organa interrupts.

 _They know. Oh God._ Rey turns to Ben, who stares at his black boots.

* * *

"We heard the allegations, and Artoo found some information on his computer," Mom continues. "Rey—Ben—did he touch you?"

"He tried," Rey says quickly. "He put his hand down my shirt. I kicked him, and he fell into the bookshelf." She fiddles with the edge of a sheet. "I thought I'd killed him at first."

"Wish you had," Dad grumbles.

Ben doesn't say anything. He's waiting for the arrows to fly.

Mom tries again. "Ben, Snoke's going to be charged with sexual assault based on, for starters, a few emails, as well as some doctor's bills."

"I'm _sorry_." The words emerge harsh and angry. Ben's last stand.

"It's not your—"

"Then whose fault is it?" Ben shouts. "Yours? He's been—touching—me for years. I never fought him. I _liked_ the attention, because at least he seemed like he _cared_. And then—and then—you never asked! You should have realized something was wrong!" He's crying. "I almost killed myself over Christmas break, do you know that? And you wouldn't have cared!" He can't stay sitting. He doesn't want to collapse. He doesn't want to stand, doesn't want to let them see him better. He wants to vanish.

And between every sob he buries in Chewie's fur, with Rey's hand on his back, is his real meaning: _tell me you love me._

 _Tell me it's going to be okay, even if it's not._

 _Tell me you don't think I'm disgusting._

" _No,"_ Mom says fiercely, and she's grabbing him, and his first instinct is to fight her but that's not what he really wants.

"I wanted to tell you or Uncle Luke, but I thought you'd be mad at me. I didn't fight him. Not once. Aren't you mad about that, Dad?" he asks, because he trusts his mother at least not to blame him for that.

"I'm mad at _me_ ," his father chokes out, and Ben lifts his face to see his father actually crying, _ugly_ crying, his lips coming apart.

"I just wanted you to _help_ me," Ben says, dragging the truth out from the darkest places of his mind and throwing it, naked and wailing, for them to have mercy on or trample.

"I am _so_ sorry," Mom says, her fingers combing his hair back from his temples. "I—I understand if you're angry at us."

"Snoke gave me an STD."

"We know."

"I was so scared."

"He's never going to hurt you or _anyone_ ever again," Mom vows.

" _Good_." Ben lifts his head and sees his father, the man everyone says he looks so much like, watching him and apparently that's all Dad needs, because he swoops in from the other side, sending Rey scooting backwards. He's hurt Ben and Ben's hurt him, but when his father's hands land on either side of his face, it bleeds away and leaves something more alive than ever in its place.

"I'm sorry I ran," Ben chokes out.

"I understand," Dad says, using his thumbs to wipe black, eyeliner-ridden tears from his son's face. "I'm sorry, Ben. I should have—"

"It's okay," Ben says, because now that he's gotten the _I'm sorry_ , that's all that matters. Now that he knows his parents aren't disgusted with him, that they don't blame him, not even the slightest, even though he's given them every reason to lash out at him.

"No, it's not," Mom manages to say

"It's not your fault," Dad says. "Not yours—or yours, Rey. Not what happened yesterday, not what he did to you, Ben. _None_ of it."

Ben tries to talk and chokes on his words. He sniffles and feels Rey's hand on his upper arm. "I—so you don't—you don't think I'm—that I deserve—or that I—"

" _No_ ," Mom insists. "I think you're—we think you're braver than you should have had to have been. Stronger, too. We _know_ that what Snoke did is entirely on his own fucking head, and not at all on yours."

Everything's leaking from him now. He can't hold anything in. "I know I'm not—who you ever wanted—for a son."

"All I ever wanted," Dad chokes out, lifting Ben's chin. "Is _you_. You're my son. I love you, I want you, and I wanted to _protect_ you, and I—I—"

"This," Mom says again. "Is not your fault. It doesn't change anything about my love for you, or my respect— _our_ respect for you."

Chewie licks Ben's face, and he laughs in spite of himself. Rey runs her hand down his back, and Ben's heart constricts as he realizes she never heard words like these from her mother.

 _She's heard them from you._

 _"Either_ of you," Dad adds, as if realizing exactly what Ben's thinking.

Rey wipes at her eyes, and Ben pulls away from his parents to wraps an arm around her. His father looks at him with an expression Ben's never seen, but one that melts away all of the dross still clinging to him. _They_ mean _it._

 _"_ So Luke won't think badly of me?" Rey asks. "He's not mad?"

" _Worried_ , not mad," Mom says. She hesitates, and reaches out to stroke Rey's hair. Rey's eyes widen, and she looks at Ben's mother like she's her own mother, and Ben tears up again.

 _We're just two scared kids,_ he thinks.

 _But they found us._


	21. I Know

"Are you going to make us go back?" Rey ventures after an hour or so of talking, all of them sitting on one of the beds.

Han exchanges a glance with his wife. "Legally," Leia says. "You're adults. We can't force you to do anything."

"But we'd like it if you would consider finishing your education," Han puts in. "But… I understand if you don't want to go back to Jedi Academy." He's not even sure he should have said the first part.

"Everyone will know, won't they?" Ben asks, and Han wants to swear, wants to pound something, because he can't believe he let that happen to his son.

"Luke's doing his best to keep it under wraps," Leia puts in.

 _But, it's high school._ And they all know it. Han hates it.

"They'll know about me, at least," Rey says. She glances at Ben.

"There are—" Han starts, about to launch into alternate options.

"I think I can handle it."

Ben's eyebrows rise. "Are you sure?"

Han's shocked. This girl—she's incredible. She's just like her grandfather, just like Ben's namesake. Brave as hell. A fighter in the best sense of the term.

She shrugs. "No. But I want to graduate. I want that diploma."

"If you go back, I'll go back," Ben says.

 _Oh, Lord._ Han isn't sure what he thinks about this, but if there's a way—and there might be. "If you do that," he says. "I will stay in town for the next month, until you graduate."

"You don't have to," Ben insists.

"Do you want me to?" Han sighs as he watches his son's face twist in confusion. "It's up to you, Ben. Whatever you want to decide. If you want me to stay in town, if you want to stay with me when I stay in town, that's fine. I'm more than happy to take a leave of absence from that menial job anyways, But if you want me to go back home and you want to stay in dorm, that is fine too. You get to choose."

Rey puts her hand on Ben's shoulder. Ben looks to her and then looks back. "I want you to stay."

Han's heart lifts. His son _wants_ him. He doesn't deserve it, but Ben still wants him.

Leia nods. "I'll spend as much time there as I can."

"Are we going back tonight?" Rey asks as she yawns.

"Well, Kes Dameron's credit card is paying for this room until morning, and until we reimburse him," Leia says. "It's two am. No. I say we get some sleep and then drive back."

Chewie snores as if he agrees.

Han, Ben, and Chewie take one bed, and Leia and Rey the other. Long after the lights go out, Han lies awake, listening to Chewie snore and everyone else breathe.

He should have been more concerned, followed his instincts when Ben began pushing him away. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point. Even now, there are so many fissures in their relationship, Han wonders how he can ever mend them.

He doesn't know, but he's got to try. He misses his son.

And Leia… all the times he's fought with her lately, Snoke tearing them apart by messing with their son. She still loves him, and Han still loves her. He needs to work this out.

Ben stirs in his sleep, and Han swallows. _Years_.

He was always so busy. He and Leia both.

 _We missed so much._

Maybe, Han hopes, they can forge a future.

Come morning, Han tries to shake Ben awake as everyone else gets up. Ben groans and curls into the pillow.

"Let me," Rey announces, grabbing her pillow as she slides off her bed. She whacks Ben with it. "Good morning!"

"Hey!" Ben's eyes snap open and he grabs Rey by her wrist, pulling her closer.

She giggles. "Time to get up, sleepyhead."

Han swallows as he watches them. Ben's grin is unlike anything he's ever seen on his son's face before.

"I love you," Ben tells her.

Rey cocks her head and smirks. "I know."

Han blows out his breath and looks at Leia, who shakes her head and smiles.

"What?" Rey asks.

"That's an old line Han and I use all the time," Leia informs her. "'I love you.' 'I know.'"

"Wait, really?" Rey turns back to Ben, whose face flushes. "You used your parents' line on me?"

He shrugs as if embarrassed, but Rey kisses him quickly. " _I_ think it's cute."

* * *

"Rey! Ben!"

They barely arrive on campus before their friends fly at them. Finn grabs Rey in a hug, and she sees Poe grabbing Ben. And then Jess, and Snap, and Beebee-Ate.

"How was the hotel?" Poe asks with a wink.

"Oh my God," Ben says, scowling at Poe.

Poe laughs. "We missed you. Seriously." He bites his lip. "I'm sorry I kind of got you caught, too."

"It turned out to be a good thing," Rey tells Poe.

"Rey," a voice says behind her. She turns around to see Mr. Skywalker standing there, and she gives him a hug.

"Oh, sorry," she says, stepping back.

He shakes his head. "Don't be. Rey—" He swallows. "I want you to know that I am—I am so sorry. I never would have—"

"I don't blame _you_ ," Rey says. She blames Snoke. "Really, I don't." And yet it's surreal to have an adult apologizing to her.

He nods. "That's very gracious of you." He clears his throat. "All of you can chat later. I need to see Rey and Ben in my office. Han, Leia, you can come, too."

Once inside, Mr. Skywalker explains that though they've told no one, not even the other teachers, the explicit reason for Snoke's arrest, it's fair to assume that they can guess, as can the students. "All of them have been threatened with expulsion if they say anything. But I don't think you have to worry so much."

"Okay," Rey says, nodding.

"I would also like to recommend that both of you see Maz Kanata. Ben, I understand you've already seen her a few times, yes?"

Ben nods. "I'll go back. I want to go back."

"I don't mind, either," Rey says. Actually, she thinks it's a good thing. Neither of them have anything to hide. And she'll need to. The idea of Mitaka spreading rumors... she wants to hurl. But she also wants this diploma. She won't let Snoke pry that opportunity, the chance to walk across a stage and hear her name called out and hear people _clapping_ for her—she's going to earn it, and Snoke can't stop her.

"And I understand that Han's staying at my house," Mr. Skywalker says, with a small smile. "Ben, you're welcome to stay as well, or to go back to Yavin 4."

"I'll stay in the dorm," Ben says. "I'll stop by after school though. Most days. And maybe for dinner."

"Can I get in on that?" Rey grouses. "At least sometimes?"

"Finally decided cafeteria food isn't all it's cracked up to be?" Ben jokes.

She shrugs.

"Fine." Mr. Skywalker taps his pen. "I already said this to Rey, but I'll say it again to both of you: I am _so_ sorry. Ben, you're my nephew—I should have—"

"I don't want to talk about it," Ben says. "I'm not—" He shakes his head, and Rey can tell he was about to offer some sort of absolution to his uncle, but can't quite do it. Not yet.

* * *

"I'm scared of what they'll say," Rey admits to Finn and Poe.

"That they won't believe you?" Poe questions. Ben's parents talk to him down the hall.

"Yeah... and afraid that they will. Really, there's no good option." Rey presses her hand against her eyes.

"We'll shut them down," Poe promises. "If they try to start anything."

"Don't get in more trouble, please." She rolls her eyes.

"I know how you feel," Finn says quietly. "Rumors suck. Especially when they're about things that should be your business only."

"Yeah, you _know_ , don't you? Not perfectly. But you understand, kind of." Rey looks to him with some kind of hope.

"Any advice?" Poe prompts. He feels so useless. There's nothing he can offer them. Except for his friendship.

"Just... it's lonely. It's scary. But you guys—you and Poe and Snap and Jess and Beebee-Ate—you kept me afloat. You helped me. You kept me going, because you cared and you loved me and you let me know. That's exactly what I needed." Finn smiles.

 _Oh._ Poe's chest lightens. Be a friend. _That_ , he can do.

* * *

Two weeks pass, during which Ben falls back in the rhythm of school. Police interviews kept him and Rey busy for the first few days, and whispers followed him and Rey through the halls, and he tried to ignore them but couldn't. Mr. San Tekka pulled him aside after he started shaking during history class and gave him some chocolate, telling him to take as much time as he needed before heading to his next class.

He, at least, doesn't see Ben and Rey as just victims, Ben knows. And they aren't.

Mitaka glares at Ben still, but the one time he came up to Rey to say something, Hux grabbed Mitaka by the shoulder and steered him away. Hux has been quiet and not in the room very much—out with Phasma, probably. Ben notices that Hux's books are crooked, but he hasn't even messed with them.

After a long session with Maz, Ben heads over to his uncle's house to visit his father. Mom's been coming up for weekends, and calling more frequently. Too frequently, really. Ben smirks.

He's already texted Rey about his decision, and she responded with a thumbs-up emoji.

"Hey, kid," Dad greets him. "You ready for your exams?"

"More or less." Ben drops onto his uncle's sofa and grabs a throw pillow. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Um—yeah. Yes. Absolutely." Dad drops the magazine he's been flipping through and scrambles over. Ben rolls his eyes.

"I want to take a gap year."

Dad blinks.

"I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to do bio engineering anymore. And I don't want to do political science."

"Your mom will be glad to hear that," Dad says, shaking his head.

"Really?" Ben gapes at him. "I thought she wanted me to—"

" _No_ , Ben. There's too much—too many dirty politicians politicking and playing games. You're better than that."

"Well, I was thinking about spending the next year interning… maybe doing a low-wage job, even, and applying to a different school."

Dad crosses his arms and leans back. "Is this school the one a certain young lady is going to?"

"Well—yes. It's a liberal arts school." The kinds of schools Snoke always scoffed at.

"Liberal arts, huh?" Dad shrugs. "Fine by me."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Han nods at Ben's fraying bag. "You seem to always be reading. Maybe you should look into literature."

"We'll see." Ben keeps his expression neutral, but he's actually already been thinking about that. Either way, he knows he needs a year off. "I'd probably have to live at home for a lot of the year."

"Your mom will be thrilled." Dad smirks. The late afternoon sunlight hits half his face, cloaking the other half in shadows that Ben can't see through, can't read.

"And you?"

"I'd be thrilled, too."

Ben bites his lips, scratches his nails against his palms as he dredges up the subject that still weighs heavy on his mind when he tries to sleep at night. "Dad—about leaking that to the press—"

"Was it Snoke?" Dad asks eagerly. Too eagerly.

Ben's heart tightens. "No. It really was me. I mean, Snoke might've been manipulating, I don't know, but I did it." He gulps, fiddling with a stray thread of the couch. "And I want you to know I don't regret anything more in my entire life. I am _sorry_."

"Hey." Dad wraps his arms around Ben, pulling him close. The thread slips out from his fingers. "I forgive you. I really do. Can you forgive me?"

He can hear his father's heartbeat, and it soothes him. "For _what?"_

"For failing you."

Ben pulls back and looks into his father's eyes. He nods.

"Good." Dad bounces his foot. "Your mother and I were talking, and if you're happy with this, we were thinking about asking a certain girlfriend of yours if she wanted to stay for the summer. You know. In the guestroom. Or in your room, if you'd both prefer that."

Ben's face burns. "I'd like that."

"Great. Ask her." Dad smiles at him.

* * *

"Well, obviously my answers is yes," Rey informs Ben.

"Not liking the strict rules and the thereby imposed celibacy?" teases Poe.

"Are you talking about us or yourself?" retorts Ben as he eats a spoonful of applesauce from his lunch tray.

Finn laughs. "Only a few more weeks."

"And then we'll be high school graduates," Jess sighs, sipping her milk from a straw. "Adults."

"Not that any of us will ever feel that way," Finn opines. "But actually."

"Hey, next year you'll have to visit," Poe tells Ben. "At school." He smiles, and Finn remembers how Poe's father has been calling him every other day now. A desperate gesture, but one appreciated nonetheless.

"I will." He grins. Rey winks.

"And then you can stay with Rey, without fear," Finn says.

"Are you and Poe rooming together?" Snap asks.

"We put in that request," Finn confirms. "No Threepio to ruin it this time."

Silence overtakes them. Finn spins an apple in his hands.

"When's You-Know-Who's first court date?" Jess asks softly.

Rey glances at Ben. "They already had an arraignment. There's another hearing in the fall. Unless he pleads guilty, I'll have to come for that."

"You know, if you want us to go with you to support both of you," Finn says, remembering his own court date when it was just him and Lando who knew the truth, when he waited to learn whether he'd go to juvie or not, and how isolated and terrified he felt. "We will. If you want us to stay away, that's fine, too."

"I'll let you know," Ben says, meeting Finn's eyes. "Thank you." The words come out quiet and throbbing with sincerity.

"Your family will probably go," Rey says. "Your parents and Luke."

"Probably." Ben sighs. "I don't really mind, to be honest. I know they care. I'm tired of keeping them away."

"We know that you all care too," Rey adds. "Thanks."

"No problem." Poe begins eating his plain yogurt coated with sugar.

"Do you even have yogurt with your sugar?" Beebee-Ate asks, nose wrinkling.

"Do we have to be adults yet?" Jess counters, leaning over and blowing bubbles in her milk.

* * *

Rey finishes her French final early and leaves the room, glancing over her shoulder to see Ben still working. Their teacher's confiscated their phones, but she texts Ben anyways, asking him how it went.

In the meantime, Rey climbs the stairs towards the dean's office, pausing to stare at the clouds and the sun. _I just took my last exam._

 _High school is over._

And her future—it's wide open.

She closes her eyes, the sun imprinting on her closed lids as she remembers the moments after Unkar hurt her, the next day, the terror in the six weeks afterwards when her body was too stressed to work right, when she was convinced her life was over and she was desperate to do anything, anything at all, to get her life back.

 _Thanks, Grandpa,_ she thinks. He took more care of her than her mother ever did, even though she's never met him.

And Ben—he has a second chance, just like her. Rey thinks of the summer ahead of them and grins to herself. She heads the rest of the way to Mr. Skywalker's office. He hasn't asked her to help him at all since they returned, and Rey hasn't pushed it. But she wants to see him.

Because, for all of his failings, he helped ground her.

"Rey!" squeals Artoo, wrapping her in a hug. "Exams finished?"

"Yup." Rey peers over Artoo's shoulder. "Is he around?"

"One second." Artoo knocks on Mr. Skywalker's door, and he calls for Rey to come in.

"How did your exams go?" he greets her.

"Pretty well." Rey wraps her arms around herself. He knew all along about Unkar. He doesn't see her as just a victim. She believes it. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I kind of miss helping—"

"You do?" His eyebrows fly up to his hairline. "Rey, I thought—after how I—"

 _He really does blame himself,_ Rey realizes. And she'd blamed him too, in the immediate aftermath. And she can't deny that he failed Ben in an enormous way. But—"I just wanted to say that I really appreciated all you did for me. Getting me here, with the scholarship. And mentoring me, this year. Even with all that happened. I appreciate it, and I wanted you to know."

"Oh, Rey." Mr. Skywalker's eyes tear up. "You really do remind me of your grandfather."

"Thanks, Mr. Skywalker."

"You're welcome." He clears his throat. "Now that you're officially done with school, you can call me Luke."

"Okay." Rey's not sure she'll ever get used to calling teachers and staff—except Artoo—by their first names. Although Han and Leia she doesn't mind.

"Hey, Rey?" Ben sticks his head in the door.

"You finished!" Rey throws her arms around his neck.

"Finn told me he saw you heading in here." Ben faces his uncle, squeezing Rey's hand. "And I wanted to talk to you."

"Of course." Mr. Skywalker— _Luke_ —nods.

"Mom told me you're thinking about resigning," Ben says, voice shaking.

"Well, I—"

"I don't think you should. Like maybe take a workshop on—on abuse prevention or something. But you've done a lot of good too. For Rey. For Finn." Ben swallowed. "And you helped find us."

Luke approaches, swallowing as he looks at his nephew with amazement.

Neither of them make a move. Rey sighs. "I know PDA isn't allowed, but hugging definitely is."

"Watch it," Luke warns her as she pushes Ben towards his uncle. It's an awkward hug, but Ben's face flushes and it's not from anger or embarrassment.

"So, Ben, did you pass?" Rey presses.

" _Oui, mademoiselle_." Ben winks and kisses her.

"No PDA!" Luke groans.

"Eh, we're done, aren't we, Luke?" Rey teases.

"Not until you have your diploma in your hand. Then you can do whatever you please."

"Poe's dad is coming up tonight and wants to take us all out to dinner," Rey reports to Ben as they leave the office.

"I know. Mom's coming up with him." Ben grins as they pass Phasma and Hux, entwined on a bench.

"It's over!" shrieks Finn, racing up to them and laughing with glee.

"Almost," Poe remarks, sauntering over as Mr. Ematt shouts at Hux and Phasma.

"What can they even do?" Rey wonders. "They can't suspend us or anything."

"Good point." Poe grabs Finn and kisses him far more passionately than Rey expected.

"Well then," observes Leia's voice.

Mr. Dameron beams.

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Poe asks Finn as he perches his cap on his head. Finn and Ben abandoned Hux to get ready with Poe and Snap.

"Don't worry. There will be hours of boring speeches before we actually get to walk across a stage," Ben deadpans.

"Wait, actually?" Finn questions.

"At least an hour and a half," Poe confirms.

"Swell," Snap says sarcastically.

"Seniors, gather in the courtyard!" Threepio squawks.

"I will not miss that man," Ben mutters.

"None of us will," Poe agrees.

Threepio ushers them to the cafeteria, where they're all supposed to line up. Hux glances in every window they pass, scowling as he repeatedly attempts to flatten a strand of hair already saturated with gel.

"Phasma will mess up your hair anyways," Poe comments.

Hux rolls his eyes, the sun beating down on them.

 _Someone else I won't necessarily miss,_ Finn thinks. Although everything else—the covered stone walkways, the brick buildings, the trees now finally blooming full and green and hosting chirping birds—he will miss. It's funny, he's only been here a year, and yet it's been more of a home to him than any house he stayed in his first seventeen years.

 _What if college isn't the same?_

 _It probably won't be._ But Poe will still be there, and Rey, and hopefully Ben eventually. And Lando's in the audience for him today.

 _That's home._ They're _home._

Rey rushes up to them, squealing. Jess follows.

"They told us not to wear heels because we might trip," Rey announces, sticking out her feet to reveal the same strappy shoes she wore for prom. "So we all wore them, of course. Even Phasma."

"Now she _really_ towers over Hux," Snap remarks, watching as Hux leans his head against her shoulder.

"Doesn't look like he minds," Finn says.

"Line up!" barks Mr. Ematt. "Alphabetically!"

"See you," Finn says to everyone but Ben, because he's directly behind him. He grins at his friend. He doesn't have to say anything. Ben grins back as they march out, Finn holding his head high because he's proud.

The speeches are indeed boring, but to Finn's relief, Mr. Skywalker does not touch at all on the scandal that deposed their previous principal. And then they're reading the names, and Finn hears his and walks across the stage, collects his diploma and a handshake from Mr. Skywalker, and caps fly in the air, and it's over.

"Yes!" Rey shrieks, racing to Ben and throwing her arms around him, and he lifts her up. Poe worms through the crowd to find Finn and kiss him. Jess starts dancing.

"Congratulations, kid."

Finn turns around to see Lando. Poe's dad wraps his arm around his son.

"Thanks," Finn says. "Seriously. Thank you." Because he wouldn't be here without Lando.

"You know you're welcome to stay with me over the summer. And come home on breaks," Lando adds.

"I know." Finn wraps Lando in a hug, and the man hesitates, and then gives in.

Finn lifts his head to see Poe smiling and posing for a photo with his father. At least they've finally worked that out, more or less. Or, really, they're _working_ it out.

Mr. Dameron did invite Finn to visit for a few weeks, and Finn's agreed. His eyes search through the crowd until he finds Leia, Han, Luke, Ben, and Rey all posing together, like they're a family. And then Ben moves aside and gestures as if asking his parents to take a picture of just him and Luke.

"Well," Poe drawls, coming up beside him and slinging an arm around Finn. "We survived."

Finn lifts his head. "We _excelled_." He catches sight of Hux breaking away from his parents and taking Phasma's hand. She towers over him, but Hux beams up at her.

"Speak for yourself. I don't want to think about how I did on that math final." Poe winks.

"Nah, you didn't just excel," Beebee-Ate interrupts. "You guys kicked some ass."


End file.
